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Managing MIL
‘Just want to let off steam here seems to be the place My in-laws2b are driving me crazy at their lack of interest in our wedding!
We saw the florist at the weekend and he wanted to know how many buttonholes, corsages etc. we wanted for the day. Ordered for mil2b & fil2b, when we told them they BOTH said, oh we can't be bothered with all that nonsense.
It really upset us and h2b was mad but didn't say anything. Do I now cancel them or leave it so if they want them on the day they are there?
This isn't the 1st time they have upset me with their lack of interest in our wedding
Anybody with the same problem and how are you dealing with it’
Discussion Board Member
Katy Rink, author of Managing MIL – a new book about handling mothers-in-law – says:
It is amazing that a wedding, which should be the most joyous occasion of all in family life, often causes so much upset (people aren’t so selfish at funerals!); in reality, weddings can be dangerous ground for mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law, in particular.
Remember, MIL is not your mother – you cannot expect her to get as excited about all the little details and pour over bridal magazines with you, in the same way.
Consider that this may be a very difficult occasion – even painful - for her to get her head round. She might well have dumped the whole notion of your big day in a box marked ‘DENIAL’; she’ll likely dress the part on the day, fixing her grin with a few stiff gins in the morning and just about get through it but she’s not in the least bit looking forward to it. Did I forget to mention the giant gorilla in the corner… you are stealing her son, after all! I have known mothers who rarely drink more than half a glass of wine before dinner hoover up every drop of booze in sight on their son’s wedding day and collapse in a heap; the effort of pretending to be happy about it proves too much.
I might be wrong here – perhaps your in-laws’ seeming disinterest in your buttonholes is merely a matter of being too busy? Or being too pragmatic and disinterested in fripperies? You may be prickling over nothing here; it could be that corsages are just not their thing – they might feel embarrassed at the showiness of wearing such decorations. They would not, for a moment have realised they were causing you offence. They merely gave an instinctive reaction.
Whatever the case, the thing to do might be to say, in a very factual and breezy manner: ‘You know those buttonholes I told you about? It would mean a lot to both of us if you wore them’; then without waiting for remonstrations, to launch into where and when they can collect them, as a fait accompli.
That way, you are making the point - in a subtle, polite but firm manner - that you and your husband-to-be are united in this; the subtext being that this is not you thrusting your vanities on them, this is as much his wish as it is yours and if they choose to flagrantly ignore it then they are dissing their own son!
If you still believe that they are genuinely disinterested in your wedding and it is upsetting you – talk it through with your partner. Ask him whether he has been feeling the same and if it bothers him in the same way. Could he perhaps involve them more in the planning? It may be that they are feeling left out, or nurturing a grievance on their side?
Keep them updated and give them a job, so that they feel they have an interest in the big day. If it’s a success they will feel all the more happy for you and if it’s a big flop, it will be their fault too!
Managing MIL – You and your Mother-in-Law, for better, or for worse? by Katy Rink, is available on amazon.co.uk or from peridot.co.uk
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