Jane Robey, CEO, National Family Mediation
Parenting on Female First
Always put the child’s future first. Easy to say, harder to do. You’re hurting after what’s happened to your happy-ever-after. Human instinct can be to retreat, get mad, get even. No-one expects you to ditch your own emotions – that’s inhuman. Keeping a balanced approach to your feelings is incredibly tough. But think about the impact on your child’s future if the main takeaway they get in their early years is mum and dad’s anger, bitterness and hate at each other. Hardly an ideal introduction to the world of relationships they’ll themselves be navigating in just a decade or two.
Communication is key. The last thing you want to do is communicate with the person who’s become your ‘ex’. Like it or not you need to find a way to do this. Your child’s future depends on you both finding a way to co-parent, to get parenting, finance and property sorted. You don’t have to be best buddies, though, and you can get a family mediator to manage the conversations between you.
Sort the money. It’s fundamental. And it’s not solely in your own control. It’s one area where communication between the pair of you is vital. Few separated couples like talking about money arrangements – a lot of married ones don’t either! Your child needs financial support, and be aware you can get professional help to agree fair settlements that will ensure their secure future.
Accept it’s a different kind of relationship now. Okay, it’s no longer hearts and roses. But the two of you still have a relationship because you’re both parents to your baby. It sounds brutal, but what you now need with your ex is a business relationship – like you have with a dentist, plumber or GP. It’s parents who hold back the bitterness they feel, instead focusing on co-parenting, whose families flourish for years to come.
Avoid thinking the worst of your ex. Your ex won’t rank in your Top Ten Favourite People. But when you’re in touch, do so in a polite, business-like manner and don't think the worst of your them despite how upset you feel. It’s amazing how modelling decent behaviour can influence the other person’s response. Who benefits? You guessed it – your child.
Expect big bumps in the road. You’re not thinking of what happens a few years ahead, but be certain there will be bumps in the road. New partners, who may have kids of their own, new babies, new locations. All are perfectly normal, but cause anxiety and mistrust that is too easily conveyed to your child, causing instability. Mediation can help when these changes come. You can’t do anything about them right now … just be aware they will come.
Make the effort. Putting in the hard yards takes a super human effort. But as you observe a happy, contented child growing up, and as you enjoy sharing life with them, it will definitely be worth the effort.
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