Naomi Simmons, author of new parenting guide Raising Kids With Hidden Disabilities: Getting It, provides expert advice on how best to raise and nurture your child when they have a hidden disability.
By Naomi Simmons
As parents, we often receive friendly advice and wisdom about how to help raise our kids the ‘right’ way.
This is fine for most children, but not for those with conditions such as ADHD, ASD (autism spectrum disorder), dyslexia, or obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), warns the author of a unique new parenting handbook.
Naomi Simmons, author of Raising Kids with Hidden Disabilities: Getting It, says that ‘normal’ parenting guidance for youngsters with ‘hidden disabilities’ is, at best, “ill-suited and useless” and, at worst, can potentially harm a child’s development.
At least one in eight kids are reckoned to have one or more hidden disabilities, where their brain is wired slightly differently to others – affecting how they interact with the world.
But British mum-of-two Naomi – the world’s bestselling non-fiction author, whose books have sold more than 550million copies worldwide – says they and their families often face criticism because symptoms are mistakenly seen as bad behaviour.
Naomi, who spent seven years researching her new book, says it’s perfectly normal to feel “left at sea about what to do next” if a child is diagnosed with a hidden disability, or one is suspected.
With the right approach, however, children with hidden disabilities can thrive and flourish.
Here, exclusively for Female First, she explains how to rethink your parenting approach in six simple steps.
1. Throw Out The Rule Book
“Much ‘common sense’ parenting advice may not work for our children and, in fact, can make things worse.
“For example, we may be told to use rewards and consequences to change our children’s behaviours.
“But if the ‘behaviour’ is caused by extreme anxiety due to our child’s hidden disability, it’s not difficult to see how adding to this anxiety with a punishment or consequence is fuel to the fire.
“Our first job is to identify our child’s individual needs, which also helps us to see their strengths, gifts, and passions.
“Having walked this walk, and having spoken with hundreds of other families who’ve done the same, the good news is that once we rethink how we parent our children, we can see tremendous, and lasting, improvements.”
2. There Is Hope
“While researching Raising Kids with Hidden Disabilities, I couldn’t keep count of the stories of hope I heard.
“Children written off as ‘badly behaved’, ‘lazy’ or ‘low ability’ went on to achieve great things and live wonderful lives, going from anguish to being comfortable in their own skin.
“But it didn’t happen overnight and was usually two steps forward, one step back, so it’s important to stay hopeful.
“One thing all these stories had in common is that the child’s needs were recognised and addressed.
“Where needs were ignored or not seen, children typically fell into a downward spiral of believing they were bad, mad, or stupid, sadly resulting in a life of frustration and failure to meet their potential.
3. Schools Aren’t Built For Our Kids
“Schools and other organisations aren’t typically designed for children who are wired differently.
“This can make them very stressful places for our kids. Things that may seem straightforward to most people, like a noisy, crowded canteen, can send a child with autism into a tailspin of panic.
“For kids with ADHD, meanwhile, lack of proper stimulation can be unbearable as they try to sit still.
“Many parents aren’t aware that the Equality Act 2010 also applies to children with hidden disabilities, regardless of diagnosis.
“We can therefore ask schools and other organisations to make changes for our child so they’re better able to cope, thrive, and learn.
“Firstly, figure out what will make school work better for your child.
“Some may need a quiet place to cool down. Others need movement breaks to help them focus, or more time to finish tasks.
“A reduced school day can help kids who find being there too stressful, while most will benefit from being allowed to focus on their strengths and passions.”
4. Recognise The Signs Of Stress
“Our kids may bottle up their distress to ‘appear normal’ at school and get through the day.
“Then, back home, all hell may let loose when they’re no longer able to pretend they’re OK.
“Sometimes this happens at school, too, often resulting in punishments that can actually make the behaviour worse.
“Our child may show a lot of strange behaviours which could look like ‘naughtiness’ to someone who doesn’t understand they may actually be super stressed or have extreme anxiety.
“It can come across as shouting, or conversely being very quiet, locking themselves away, obsessing about things, or hurting themselves or others.
“Our job is to learn what ‘super stressed’ looks like for our child, and it may not be what we expect.
“To help them calm down, we first have to learn to read their body language.”
5. Turn Down The Heat
“If we can see that our child is super stressed, we need to help them calm down.
“Punishing them or trying to have a conversation is likely to stress them more and make the behaviour worse.
“Instead, figure out what helps them to relax. For some, it’s exercise; for others, it’s burying themselves in computer games or vegging out in front of the TV.
“Many will fall asleep after school, letting their bodies and minds recover.
“Allowing this doesn’t mean we’re letting them get away with bad behaviour.
“However, if this behaviour continues even when calm, it’s perfectly right to use consequences and explanations about what they’re doing wrong.
6. Choose Your Battles
“When our child is wired slightly differently, we can easily spend our whole life fighting battles for them.
“Our disputes may be with schools or other organisations which may not understand their needs, or with family members who don’t accept our child’s diagnosis.
“There may also be battles with our child to try to change behaviours we don’t find acceptable.
“It’s overwhelming, and if we try to fight them all, we might end up ill, physically and mentally.
“Choose your battles. Ask yourself, ‘How much strength do I have at the moment?’ and ‘Which battles are an absolute priority?’.
“Everything else, let go. We must give as much importance to self-care as to the care of our children, otherwise we’re of no use to anyone.
“Feel entitled to defend your right to a hot bath, a run, or whatever’s needed to stay sane!”
Raising Kids with Hidden Disabilities: Getting It by Naomi Simmons (Jessica Kingsley Publisher) is available now on Amazon in paperback, eBook, and audiobook formats, priced £16.99, £11.04, and £17.49 respectively. For more information, visit www.peaceandhappiness.info.
Tagged in Parenting