For too long, miscarriage has been one of those ‘private’ topics – as if there’s an expectation to keep silent, indeed keep mum, about it. I remember one school-mum evening in the pub (one of those where you’re the last group to leave), when one of the mums raised her glass to her son that we didn’t know about; a baby she’d lost through miscarriage several years before. Slowly, one by one, every member of the five-strong group opened up about their own miscarriages. We’d known each other for years, and knew so much about everyone’s children – or thought we did - but that night we learnt things we’d never heard before. You could feel the weight of silence lifted and the talk and shared experiences continued long after we were finally turfed out of the pub.
Parenting on Female First
But things are starting to change. As MadeForMums turns 10 years old, we’ve looked at how parenting has changed over the past decade and our research shows a marked increase in openness about miscarriage, with miscarriage news being discussed more widely and much more information and stories being shared in the media and on social channels.
It’s about time, because miscarriage is an important taboo to break. But we need to do it carefully and with hope, for all these reasons:
Miscarriage has a life-long impact
That miraculous feeling of creating new life, well, there’s nothing like it. Elation, excitement, trepidation and dream-building. As one mum told us, “As soon as you are pregnant you build a life for this little one in your heart.” We need to acknowledge the effect of a miscarriage (or stillbirth) at whatever stage of pregnancy. Life moves on, but the memories and the future that didn’t happen stay with us forever.
Miscarriage is, sadly, part of life
The statistics suggest that 1 in 4 pregnancies will end in miscarriage. That’s a significant number and there will be a lot of people you know who’ve been affected.
Miscarriage is so often hidden
The highest risk of miscarriage is in the first six weeks of pregnancy – before many expectant parents have shared their news beyond very close family. How hard it is to reveal you’ve had a miscarriage when you haven’t even told people you were pregnant?
Sharing stories of hope REALLY helps
This is the bit where it’s important to think about how we talk about miscarriage – and how we change and broaden the conversation. Our research shows that while over 50% of expectant parents feel more anxious when they see miscarriage stories in the media or on social, 33% actually feel LESS anxious when those stories are about babies born after previously miscarrying. There’s an affectionate name for these babies that’s grown over social media – Rainbow Babies. One mum we heard from was delighted when she discovered the term. “I’d not heard of Rainbow Babies before. Thrilled to find out I have one 😀”
Having a miscarriage affects how you cope with subsequent pregnancies
Not surprisingly, we found higher levels of anxiety about miscarriage during pregnancy if you’d already experienced one. Let’s face it, there’s enough hormonal chaos going on during pregnancy, if we can reduce added stress by being able to voice those miscarriage fears to friends and family, that’s got to be good.
You’ll probably need to tell someone at work – so let’s make it easier
You’ll need lots of support and understanding at home and work following a miscarriage, and potentially some time off. The taboo around miscarriage has made those conversations so awkward in the past, just when you’re feeling most vulnerable.
We can support each other – but only if we know
If you’ve experienced a miscarriage, you’re not alone, you’re so not alone – but all too often you wouldn’t know it. Who better to understand and give support than someone who’s been through it themselves? And to show you there is life and hope after miscarriage.
So let’s keep talking and supporting each other – and sharing those stories of rainbow babies.
Tagged in Miscarriage