A breakup is never easy; it marks the end of a once loving relationship, inspires big changes in our lives and, generally speaking, isn’t a pleasant nor welcomed experience. Heartbreak is painful, meaning we often wrap up in our dressing gowns and indulge in our favourite comfort foods; no matter how cliché it might sound, this ‘Bridget Jones approach’ is completely understandable. We do whatever we can to ease ourselves through this period of transition, prioritising our wellbeing every step of the way. If that means duvet days and chocolate in abundance – so be it!
However, if you’re a parent your responsibilities don’t disappear and whilst you might be hurting post-breakup, your child – or children – comes first. With that in mind, Ben & Jerry’s can’t become an all-encompassing solution… Instead, we must consider their wellbeing, the example we’re setting and how best we can navigate this loss with our child’s health and happiness in mind. The key is balance and compassion; with a little help, positively overcoming a break-up whilst parenting can be achieved, all whilst nurturing your own wellbeing.
Nima Patel is a mindfulness expert, certified conscious parenting coach and the founder of Mindful Champs, a business committed to enhancing children’s wellbeing. To guide parents through this difficult process, and their children in turn, she’s sharing her expertise; highlighting the do’s, don’ts and essential things that every post-break-up parent needs to remember.
Take time to heal
When going through a break-up we often put ourselves under too much pressure; in a rush to ‘move on’ and win this figurative race, we may expect ourselves to bounce back much more quickly than we realistically should… We don’t allow ourselves sufficient time to heal and process our emotions, instead, we ignore or minimise them in an attempt to speed-up this difficult journey.
We all, whether you’re a parent or not, need to acknowledge and respect our emotions post-breakup. You must allow yourself sufficient time to heal and if you have children, this remains equally important. If you do not allow yourself time to process the situation, come to terms with the end of this chapter and develop inner strength, you will struggle more in the long-term. Meanwhile, your children won’t see you healthily processing this difficult period; instead, they will watch on as you deny your emotions and likely mirror this response themselves. Similarly, they’ll be witness to your buried emotions when they inevitably rear their head… Make time for yourself, invest in a little ‘me time’ and prioritise your own healing – your children will reap the rewards of this too.
Communicate and remember you’re only human
As a parent going through a break-up, it’s important that you maintain open communication with your children; recognising that you’re only human and that you respect your own emotions is an incredible life lesson for them. Discuss the situation and explain that whilst it has made you sad, this is only temporary. Emphasise that we can find strength in any situation and that your children will continue to be loved by everyone they’re surrounded by – it’s important they feel some sense of consistency during this period of change.
Shutting children out might feel like the right thing to do during a break-up, however this often leaves them feeling isolated and confused. Instead, warmly and openly reassure them. Similarly, cut yourself some slack! Some days will be better than others and that’s absolutely fine! Becoming a parent doesn’t mean your emotions are lessened, so be patient with yourself.
Spend time together as a unit
Following a break-up, it’s important that you spend time with your children as a unit. This will be beneficial not only for them, but you too; quality time together will remind you of your strength and solidarity, whilst allowing you to create happy memories as a new family dynamic.
Embrace all that your break-up teaches you
A break-up always teaches us important lessons, even if we don’t realise this, or want to realise this, at the time. As a parent, it’s especially helpful to recognise these lessons; has your break-up shown you that you’re more resilient than you ever realised? Did the break-down of your relationship highlight what you really want in a partner, for both yourself and your children? By taking all of these lessons into account, you can healthily process your break-up whilst strengthening and enriching your parenting.
Use the experience as a teaching opportunity
As a break-up teaches us invaluable life lessons, we can translate these into our parenting. For example, use this experience as an opportunity to teach your children about healthy relationships, self-worth and personal growth. I would personally recommend journaling when overcoming a break-up as this allows you to reflect and gain objectivity; this is also something you can share with your children. At Mindful Champs, we’ve created a powerful mindfulness journal for children which allows them to do just that. If you can use your break-up to introduce both yourself and your children to invaluable self-development tools, you’re off to a good start.
Don’t project
A break-up is always difficult, there’s no avoiding that. However, it’s important that you don’t project painful emotions and feelings onto your children; try to maintain a sense of self-awareness and take time to reflect, checking in with your own internal thermometer.
Empower your children, empower yourself
The most important thing you can gain through a break-up is self-love; losing a partner often forces us to develop independence, realise what we’re worth and subsequently feel empowered. Share this empowerment with your children; show them that you’re confident and facing all of life’s hurdles head-on. This will be a truly uplifting experience.
For more information about Mindful Champs visit, www.mindfulchamps.com