Dr. Harvey is an advocate for baby safety and has created the safest bed in the world — the SNOO Smart Sleeper. He has also shared advice on baby safety for a number topics, including sleep, swaddling, overheating, baby and toddler tantrums and baths. We caught up with him to discuss all things toddler!
Dr Harvey Karp
Many parents overload their toddlers with toys, screens and experiences to keep them entertained, so what basic things does a toddler need to be happy?
Of course, children need to feel loved, listened to, and safe to be happy… but beyond those basics, toddlers actually require far less than you’d think! When it comes to keeping little kids entertained, they simply need to play. In fact, play is a top toddler nutrient! A happy, healthy toddler’s days are filled with chasing, pretending, rolling, and tinkering. No fancy toys or screens are needed. Instead, give them a daily mix of outside play, creative activity, and reading.
If you think back, there’s a good chance some of your happiest childhood memories are of playing outside: rolling down grassy hills, kicking heaps of fallen leaves, making snowmen. Kids need fresh air, sunlight, and room to roam. After all, a 2-year-old cooped up inside all day may feel as trapped as Tarzan stuffed into a tight tuxedo!
Creative activity simply means play that requires imagination. Even Einstein noted that imagination is more important than knowledge! Help children tap into that part of themselves by offering up art supplies and sensory experiences, like a sand table, watering can, or swatches of different materials (such as satin, velvet, corduroy, or sandpaper). Creative play also abounds when you hand over household items, like pots, wooden spoons, or an old home phone. This invites toddlers to imitate you, and boy, do tots adore that kind of “monkey see, monkey do” play! And, yes, actual toys come into play, too…but nothing fancy or noisy or that requires batteries. Instead, lay out dolls and dollhouses, blocks, action figures, and toy animals. By age 3, you can add dress-up clothes to the mix. Toddlers love to try things on and create imaginary identities!
Finally: reading! The key to reading with toddlers is to do it with them. Reading makes kids smarter, and it’s a sweet opportunity to snuggle close and join your hearts. Plus it’s a perfect before bedtime activity.
What things/behaviours instantly make a toddler unhappy?
Beyond lacking the basics I mentioned before—feeling loved, listened to, and safe—there are a few universal circumstances that are guaranteed to make a toddler unhappy: feeling hungry, fatigued, or cooped up; experiencing unexpected changes; and feeling ignored. All of these are big time tantrum triggers—and most can be sidestepped with planning ahead and scheduling. And that goes for unexpected changes, too. Review your next day’s plan with your tot, mentioning any changes in routine that might occur. The head’s up really helps!
As far as “feeling ignored” goes…toddlers often act up when we ignore them for too long. That doesn’t mean you need to drop everything each time your tot tugs at your pant leg asking you to play. It means you should offer short periods of focused attention throughout the day. Even looking at them while you’re cooking dinner and making a silly face to garner a giggle counts! Pulling them in for a hug or a kiss counts, too. Offer a few encouraging words (“You did a great job putting your books away!”) and offer 5-minute play sessions when you can. Get down on the floor and let your tot direct play for 5 minutes. When time’s up, say, “We’ll play again soon! I just need to finish what I’m doing.” All these bite-size bits of attention work to fill your toddler’s happiness tank.
Why is there so much pressure on parents to be bigger and better than previous generations and what effect does this have on both the parents and the children?
What’s interesting is, these days, there’s so much more information available to parents than there was even one generation ago. Thanks to the Internet and now all these platforms like Instagram, TikTok, Facebook, etc., parents are not only in information overload, they can easily fall into the comparison trap. When you’re bombarded with snapshots of other people’s wins, highlights, and curated family lives, it can make parents feel less than…when the reality is, you’re all going through the same thing! (I often used to tell my wife and daughter, “The only family that’s perfect is the family you don’t know very well.”)
And, all the pressure parents put on themselves can take away from what’s actually going on in their lives—making them feel like failures and then making kids feel like they’re not living up to certain expectations.
For example, say you take the finger paints out for your child, and they don’t really like the sensory aspect of it, or they only smear a line on the page before getting bored. Instead of feeling satisfied that you offered your child a chance to be creative, you might view this as a failure. (Milo’s art doesn’t look anything like what so-and-so posted! Katy’s daughter loves to paint. Why did they give up, what am I doing wrong?) But you don’t need Pinterest-worthy craft—or anything close to perfection—to prove your value. All your child truly needs is to be offered the experience, the attention, and to spend that time together.
What is the best advice you can give to a parent whose child is heading towards the toddler stage?
Think of toddlers as cavemen! Just because your baby is blossoming into an amazing walking talking person, doesn’t mean they’re a tiny adult. Toddler brains are pretty immature, so logic and reason are still a ways away. Your long-winded explanations sound to them like Charlie Brown’s teacher (wah wah wah)! The best thing you can do for your toddler when they’re feeling big emotions is to speak their caveman language, which is what I call Toddler-ese.
It’s pretty simple. Here’s how:
First, use short phrases. The more upset toddlers get, the more the left (logic/reason) side of their brain gets drowned out by the right (impulsive/emotional), making it super-hard for them to listen to you. For young tots, or very angry older kids, start with one- to two-word phrases, focusing on key words. For example, for an upset 2-year-old, instead of: “I can see you felt so angry that I made you come inside,” try: “You’re mad! Mad! Mad!”
Next, repeat yourself. When toddlers are upset, words whiz by their brains at warp speed, making it hard to grab hold onto their meaning. That’s why you need to say the same short phrase three to eight times! Think of your upset toddler’s brain as a door that’s been slammed shut by their emotions. They may not hear you knock once—so you must knock several times to get them to let you in. To continue that example, keep going even if you thought it was already clear: “You’re mad! You don’t want inside. You don’t wanna go. No inside. No. Mad! So mad!”
Finally, it’s important to mirror a tiny bit of your toddler’s intensity with your tone, expression, and body language. Little kids are excellent at reading non-verbal cues, so this really helps you get your message across loud and clear. To do this, reflect about a third of your toddler’s anger or frustration with your voice. (Speak with more oomph than usual, but at a lower volume than your child.) Be expressive with your face (furrow your brow or maybe shake your head) and use lots of gestures (stomp your foot or throw your hands up, for example). Just don’t overdo it! They’re smart, and want their feelings to be listened to and taken seriously, and hamming up your response too much could make your toddler feel like you’re mocking them.
Parental guilt is something that crops up with children of all ages, but what are the most common things parents feel guilty about at the toddler stage?
Parents feel guilty about so many things! One of the biggest is probably feeling guilty about screen time. You might have heard that from 2 to 5 years old, children should watch no more than 1 hour a day of high-quality, non-violent, preferably educational content a day, with that bumping up to no more than 2 hours for kids 6 and up. And, by now, most of us also know that a global pandemic can throw a big wrench in that plan! And, really, it’s okay. Parents were thrust into a situation that demanded survival mode and, with that, came a lot more Peppa Pig!
To tamp down guilt, I advise a few things. First, talk to your child about what they're watching. Whenever you can, watch programs together and use it as an opportunity to enrich the experience with a few questions and a bit of discussion. You can also lead by example and make sure you put away all your devices and shut off the TV during family time and meals. And pay attention to the three types of play toddlers need daily— outside play, creative activity, and reading. If they’re getting all of that and you need some time to make dinner or just sit, know that a little bit of PBS Kids is a-okay!
Why do toddlers have such a bad rep?
Remember, toddlers are cavemen. They can be hard to understand and hard to communicate with if you don’t know their “secret” language of Toddler-ese. So, it takes some trial and error—and patience—to understand a toddler. But once you get it, toddlers are really fantastic!
Does spoiling a toddler have a detrimental effect on how they feel about material possessions in the future?
Honestly, a child doesn’t need to have a lot of things to be considered spoiled. Being “spoiled” has a lot more to do with behavior than toys. Active, engaged parenting in the toddler years—regardless of material possessions—is what sets your child up for a happier, more successful future. If you don’t want to raise a spoiled child, teach them how to be respectful and be consistent with rules so your tot doesn’t push until the rule changes. Also, instead of buying little trinkets and toys every time your child begs, reward your kids with a present when they’ve been cooperative and respectful. Explain that you are giving them a gift because you appreciate their good behavior. But when your child makes a pouty face or tells you that you’re the worst, don’t give in! Buying a toy out of guilt actually diminishes the joy and excitement of the gift because your child knows you didn’t really mean it.
Why is it important for parents to read around topics they are concerned about as a parent rather than relying on advice from other people?
I think parents should gather information from a variety of sources. For instance, you can surely read a book about potty-training, but connecting with parents who’ve been-there-done-that can be very helpful. The key, of course, is knowing what advice to keep and use and what advice belongs in the nappy bin! To help you figure out what’s what, research topics from reputable sources—that means books by respected doctors, websites that are .org, and .gov, and looking for cited studies when reading news articles. And, please, be your own fact-checker when it comes to important topics, like children’s health! Just because your pal posted something on social media about, say, vaccines or a miracle cure, does not mean it’s true!
What is next for you?
Hospitals and clinicians all over the world have been researching the use of SNOO in the prevention of SUDI and Postnatal Depression, so we’re very excited for that to wrap up and get published. It will have huge implications for both babies and parents and we can’t wait to share our findings with the world.
We are also looking forward to launching our SNOO Rental program in Europe this year. Every new parent deserves help, so we look forward to making that ‘extra pair of hands’ that SNOO provides even more affordable. (Unfortunately, we have no timeline to share for a UK rental launch just yet, but that is definitely something we are working towards!)
However, we are looking forward to having SNOO in British hospitals in the near future (SNOO is used in 100+ hospitals in America, Australia, Holland, and Israel!) to help support nurses and help care for our tiniest, most vulnerable patients. Our 2021 hospital survey shows that SNOO saves nurses over 2 hours per shift, so upwards of 6 hours per day! SNOO is of critical service to these hospitals during the healthcare worker shortages and enables nurses to spend their time on important patient care.
About Dr. Harvey Karp, MD, FAAP, CEO of Happiest Baby Inc.
Dr. Harvey Karp is one of America's most-trusted pediatricians and child development experts. He is on the faculty of the USC School of Medicine and a fellow of the American Academy of Pediatrics. Dr. Karp practiced pediatrics in Los Angeles for over 25 years. His landmark discoveries and unique ability to translate complex science into effective techniques to empower parents have revolutionized our understanding of the needs of young children. He is the founder and CEO of Happiest Baby, a smart-tech and parenting solutions company that invented the SNOO Smart Sleeper, a responsive bassinet that mimics the sounds and motions of the womb to extend infant sleep by 1-3 hours.
Dr. Karp is also the best-selling author of The Happiest Baby on the Block and The Happiest Toddler on the Block. He is an advisor to Parents, Ser Padres and American Baby magazines and a pediatric expert on BabyCenter. He has appeared numerous times on Good Morning America, CNN, Today Show, The View, Dr. Oz, etc. His work has been featured in the New York Times, Time, Newsweek, LA Times, Parents, People Magazine, among others.
