Mothers
Someone who is always there for you, or were you fighting against your pen just scribbling your subconscious message: “Mum, will you just stop nagging me?!” Do you want to know how to get on better with her?
The relationship with mum can be one of the closest and most important in life but different stages in life bring potential for conflict, competition and even jealousy and, as we grow older, the bond can weaken. The relationship can become strained and scratchy; often starting with disapproval of the life choices or decisions we make – be it bras, boyfriends, haircuts, college courses, job and house moves or who we marry.
So if you’re struggling to find the right words or if you regret that you don’t share the kind of bond with your mum that you could, then look in the mirror – the answer will almost certainly be staring back at you. Relationship problems are rarely about the other person; they always start with you. This is about bringing it back to you.
Dr Lisa Turner, relationship expert and founder of Psycademy.co.uk asks:
Are there unresolved or painful memories from the past?
Even if your mum wasn’t the cause, the fact that she helped you through something traumatic and was there at the time can mean that she is an anchor now and can trigger those painful memories. It’s easy for counsellors and coaches to advise ‘letting go of the past’ but what does that really mean and what does it look like? A good place to start is to recognise where, in your life now, you are experiencing an emotional response to the past? What triggers unexpected reactions or behaviour in you? The ideal outcome is to remember the past but not to let it upset you.
Do you forget that your mum wants the best for you?
She just doesn’t always know the best way to get you to that point though, and the nagging causes you to drift apart. It’s rare though, even if you go ahead with a decision that your mum warns against, that she’ll turn around when it goes wrong and say “You made your bed, lie in it.” When she’s nagging you or going about it in the wrong way, meet her with a friendly “Yes, I love you too, Mum”. It’ll stop her in her tracks and make her see that she’s confusing her love for you with getting at you – whether she’s encouraging you to get a new boyfriend, move house or stick with your current job.
Do you feel that your mum isn’t there for you as much as she should be?
If you think you don’t get the support from your mum that should be there, it really boils down to what you make it mean for you. When you have a real emotional need for your mum’s support, the denial of that support can mean you have to find a way of helping yourself. Maybe that’s your mum’s idea – or maybe it’s just a way you have to find a positive. Ultimately, you’ll come out stronger if you find a way to make your self-support system adequate for getting through problems.
Do you always seek approval?
If you’re someone who always needs approval and who seeks acknowledgement, it might be best to look at this as an opportunity for some personal growth. When you feel your mum doesn’t give you what you need,
ask yourself what it is you aren’t approving of yourself, about your own life or behaviour. Consciously give yourself approval.
You can’t talk to her about problems between you without her crying
Chances are, if you have a need for her not to get overly emotional, she’ll be more likely to do that. Your only way around it is to really ask specific questions and to be clear, saying rational statements such as “That’s interesting you feel that way… “ Just don’t let the emotional response push your buttons. Humour can help here too. If she’s despairing about never seeing you, meet it with an exaggerating ‘pattern interrupt’ such as “No, you’re right, I’ll probably get fed up of visiting you soon. Can’t think of a reason to keep coming back, can you?” Inject some humour so that you can both see how to move forward.
Tagged in Parenting