Discipline

22 December 2007

You may imagine that because your child now has a lot of language and increasing maturity, discipline matters can be talked through. You may think the influence of school will add another dimension to create a child who is self-controlled, listens to reason and generally presents very few problems.

To an extent this may be true, but as any parent of children in the middle childhood age group will tell you, this doesn't mean there are no problems, or that discipline isn't an issue at all!

Life is, in many ways, much harder for your school age child. Many adults no longer see them as 'cute' and expectations for your child to behave well are very powerful, both from you and teachers. There can also be criticism from friends, teachers and you when your child gets things wrong.

Your child may use more sophisticated language, not only to negotiate sensibly with you but to deceive you if she wishes, and to answer back defiantly or rebel against you!

Misbehaviour in school age children may also have a more complicated basis.

A seven-year-old may constantly break things because her co-ordination is still not perfect, but she may do it to attract your attention to the fact she's finding it tough to live up to all the complicated new rules in her life.

Too many orders such as: "Do this" and "Don't do that", and being quick to criticise: "How could you?" and "Don't be so stupid", can be very hard to take for a child.

Talk about independence issues, using explanations and reasoning - practise good communication and reflective listening. Communication is vital in the school age years as there's so much to discuss and negotiate when children are seeking new freedom. It's always a balance between independence and safety.

Reassure your school age child - she may sometimes act as if she doesn't need you and is very independent, but she still needs a lot of love and reassurance.

Regular routines are still important - set mealtimes and times for homework. Rules are still needed which are consistent and firm - it's important to keep reviewing rules throughout middle childhood, and changing them as your child becomes more competent.

Try not to give too many orders - describe what you want your child to do. Too many orders may overwhelm your child.

Make time to talk and listen carefully to your child about what's going on at school or with friends - keep an eye out for any worries that may make behaviour worse.

Try to use specific praise, describing exactly what it's being given for - "I like the way you cleared away all your books without being asked", not just "You're a good girl for tidying."

Let minor misbehaviour go - stay calm and avoid arguments as much as possible. Keep criticisms to a minimum - only criticise a behaviour, not your child. "That was a thoughtless thing to do" rather than "You're always so thoughtless."

A 'stuck record' approach can sometimes work well - calmly repeat what you expect your child to do. This avoids pointless arguments.

Consequences - if disappointment, mild disapproval or ignoring doesn't work to change a behaviour, relying on these can be useful, for example: if she doesn't hang up her coat, she probably won't be able to find it next time she's going out.

Distraction - when siblings argue you could say: "Why don't you both play that video game you like." If your child is in a bad mood, try something like: "Would you like to go swimming? We haven't been for a while".

Humour - can work well with school age children. If your child is whining, you could say in a silly and exaggerated voice: "I don't want to go to bed either - I want to stay up and party all night".

You may feel uncertain about how to handle giving rewards or privileges - "You can watch TV if you do your homework" or "I'll give you a treat if you clean out the garage." You might worry that your child will get to a point where she'll only behave well in order to receive something.

It's a difficult balance to strike between giving tangible rewards - for example, for doing chores - and expecting them to be done as part of a child's growing contribution to the family.

There's probably no clear-cut answer for every family and every situation. You need to work out the balance with individual children and according to the way your family is organised.

All school age children should be expected to do at least some small chores, even if it's only tidying away their own things. It will depend on your child's age and the amount of time left after school, homework and other activities. Chores could include emptying bins, hanging up washing or setting the table. If possible it's better to negotiate with your child what she might be happiest doing - this ensures having it done more cheerfully.

For extra tasks, additional to a child's regular jobs, you may want to offer some reward - this might be for cleaning the family car or weeding the garden. Just as we expect some reward for our efforts in the real world, there's nothing wrong with sometimes rewarding your child's efforts. Doing something together - a special outing, allowing a video rental, making a favourite meal - these are better rewards than money for most school age children. Make it clear this is an extra way of showing your appreciation, but that normal chores and good behaviour are still expected and not rewarded in this way. It motivates some children to clearly work towards a reward. Teachers use gold stars and point systems all the time. You could adapt this by giving tokens or completing starcharts. When a certain number are gained, a reward is earned. It might be that you want your child to go to bed at a certain time without an argument - each time she manages this, she gets a star. After an agreed number, you give a reward.