I can't tell you how much I wish this article didn't need writing. I'd struggle to find anything similar about 'Entrepreneur Dads' - but, we are where we are, and the struggles are real. In my last 10 years as a business owner, and the last 7 as a Mum, here are my top 5 struggles that come from combining these parts of my life, and the coping strategies I've used.
Bryony Thomas
Identity Crisis
It's amazing how much two things often define us. The 'What do you do?' question is so often an opener, with 'do you have any children?' not too far off. I know that my sense of identity is, amongst other things, bound up in the answers to these questions. At networking events, I have to fight the urge to answer 'too much ironing' to the first question, and 'yes, my fist baby is called Watertight Marketing' to the latter at more social gatherings. For me, this is being yourself, but in context. I don't change much in work and play, I pretty much just show up, but with a bit more makeup at work. I would always advise against contriving any work persona or image you have to work at maintaining... being yourself is a whole lot easier.
Support Network
Oh my this is a big one. My husband has the 9 to 5, which tends to leave me on drop off and pick up duties. We also both travel a lot with our work. With no family within a 200-mile radius, we've had to seriously cultivate our support network. We've nurtured relationships with neighbours who have children, and we're always keen to get our daughter comfortable with the teenage children of friends to widen the babysitting pool. I've also had to really work on my playground small talk... this is not my strength, but it really is worth it!
Time
The thing I've had to accept as a Mum is that I will never be able to do what I think I can. My mind is set to the default assumption that my productivity is what is was 10 years ago. It hasn't caught up with the new reality of hard stops at 3.30pm, and precious family time at weekends. When I write my to-do lists, or make commitments, I always review to see if I can at least halve whatever I think I'll be able to manage... and even then I find myself dropping a few balls.
Guilt and Regret
The old chestnut of feeling guilty about family when at work, and about work when with family has been entirely borne out in my experience. The best way I have found to reduce this is journaling. I use the Six Minute Diary morning and night to keep myself centred and grateful. I also have a weekly ritual of listing all the things I got done... rather than regretting what I didn't get to.
Personal Wellbeing
This is my Achilles heel. My own health and happiness always seems to be the compromise I make. This is a long-time habit that I am working very hard to break. I recently landed in A&E following a mild form of a panic attack after a particularly stressful period at work. It was the wake up call I needed to take this seriously. I've now started working with a nutritionist and will soon be working with a wellbeing coach to retrain this engrained and totally unsustainable habit.
Before having kids, I'll admit that I was a bit dismissive of discussions of extra pressures on working Mums. I think this is because I was brought up by a Single Parent Father. So, as a closing comment, I think it is important not to make this too gendered a topic - I think these tensions exist for whomever has taken on a primary parenting role in a family. And, whilst there are cultural reasons why this more often lands more heavily with women, I do think that the path to a more conducive environment for these two important roles to co-exist lies in looking at parenting in the round... and not as a 'woman's issue'.
Bryony Thomas, one of the UK's foremost marketing thinkers and speakers, is the multi award-winning author and founder of Watertight Marketing. For more information about Bryony, her Masterplan programme and best-selling book please visit www.watertightmarketing.com
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