After enduring years of domestic violence, the acclaimed author and podcaster Elizabeth G. knows firsthand how easily relationship red flags can be missed. Here, she candidly shares her own experiences and the positive ‘green flag’ traits to look for in a new partner.
Author & Campaigner Elizabeth G
As a survivor of domestic violence, I have learnt to listen to my intuition when it comes to the warning signs, or red flags as we now call them, of toxic and potentially abusive relationships. I look back now on the young woman I was pre-domestic violence and I feel for the younger version of myself who had no idea of the signs, many of which are quite surprising.
The first red flag that I missed was that my abuser was so incredibly over-charming. He was the life and soul of the party, a true showman, who disguised his true character so well that no-one – me included – would ever believe he was anything but Prince Charming. This was all part of his act and a tactic to lure me in. Those who have not been in an abusive relationship may find it hard to understand why a person would stay. There are many reasons but for myself, aside from the psychological trap, I was hanging on to the good times. And believe it or not, those good times were some of the happiest moments of my life.
He promised me the world and showered me with compliments and extravagant, expensive gifts. His insistence to financially support me so that I could focus on my acting career was relentless. He believed, so he said, in my acting ability like no one had ever done. And he was persistent. It was exhausting. Eventually, I caved. I now understand that this was his way of exerting control over me – a common practice in toxic relationships.
He did everything he could to set the scene and paint a picture of a dream life. A fairytale. A life that was never going to happen with him but one that he so desperately, so convincingly, wanted me to believe. And I did.
Within the first month of dating, he was bombarding me with messages and phone calls. One day, I had fifteen missed calls from him when I came out of the theatre. Naively, I just assumed it showed that he was really interested in me. But now I understand this behaviour as ‘love bombing’ - another red flag that I didn’t recognise at the time. When a partner bombards you relentlessly, it shows that person has no respect for boundaries and is solely focused on feeding their own needs regardless of the other person’s need for space.
He wanted to know absolutely everything about me, every last detail, without giving anything about himself away. Early on in the relationship, he was showing signs of a lack of empathy; he would mock me for crying and called me ‘pathetic’ when I accidently knocked his drink over. He moved the relationship on at an extraordinarily fast pace and slowly began to isolate me from my friends and family. He repeatedly told me that I ‘wasn’t right in the head’ and needed to see a therapist.
He took responsibility for nothing and blamed all his problems on me. If I dared to stand up to him, he would either lash out or quickly play the victim. Classic narcissism. He just could not turn inwards and own his behaviour. He projected all of his hatred - everything that he despised about himself - onto me. Another big red flag: anyone who tries to project their negative emotions on to you and throws a pity party rather than taking responsibility for themselves, is showing potential signs of abuse.
He also turned out to be a persistent bragger and boaster. Constantly bigging himself up, giving himself a sense of entitlement, of grandeur above others. Everything about him was all about his wealth and achievements. Again, red flag. Another way of enticing me in. Turns out, it was all a fabricated lie.
But it was all so subtle and drawn out over a long period of time. There would be glimmers of abuse then everything would go back to rainbows and sunshine again, sometimes for months. Which is why abusive relationships can be so confusing. As a result, I began to doubt and question myself (gaslighting). I lost confidence and became a shadow of my former self.
My Three Green Flags
By contrast, my therapist has helped me to pinpoint my ‘must haves’ for the next relationship. At number one is: emotional intelligence. Someone who has enough awareness to understand when I’m having a bad day and in need of a hug and some reassurance, or a chat and to feel heard. Not someone who will run off and disappear down the pub to get pissed at the first sign of vulnerabilities.
A person who is content in their own space and OK with time on their own is another green flag to me. Someone who is needy, struggles to sit still, and is constantly out to impress makes me wonder what that person is really running from. Are they, for instance, seeking misplaced validation?
My third major green flag is a person who demonstrates consistency, stability and is respectful of boundaries. Someone who has confidence in themselves rather than someone who is full of insecurities and intent on dragging you down to their level. Someone who is kind, who cherishes you and appreciates you, and who takes good care of themselves and their health. Being self-aware and respectful as well as someone who is attentive and really ‘sees’ you are all foundations for a healthy relationship.
When it comes to seeking out solid relationships, my best advice is to always listen to your intuition (regular meditation is a great way of tuning in with that). If you get that ‘off’ feeling early on or something doesn’t feel quite right, listen to it. It may not make sense at the time but more than likely, it is your intuition talking to you, warning you about this person. If someone you have just met is a genuine person, then they will understand your need for space. Toxic people will not and will do everything they can to invade your personal space for their own validation. I have learnt to form an opinion on someone based on their energy and their behaviour. Not their income, social status or the car that they drive. Does their behaviour match their words? Are they consistent? are questions I now ask myself.
More importantly, I have spent the last couple of years working on myself. Therapy is, after all, an investment in oneself. I’ve been fortunate enough to find a therapist who has turned everything around for me. I can now establish healthy boundaries, be content in my own space and can care for and nurture myself (now three years sober). I’m at a place where I have worked hard on myself and my career with my goal being financial independence so that whoever comes into my life next is there because I want them there not because I have a need for them.
My focus now is to stay stable, centred, and well. Or to put it another way, to be the best version of myself that I can be. As Ram Dass, the late American spiritual teacher, guru of modern yoga, psychologist, and writer, said: “I can do nothing for you but work on myself. You can do nothing for me but work on yourself.”
Elizabeth G. is a British author and podcaster who campaigns for, and is a vocal advocate of, equality for sex workers. She is currently trying to expand the scope of The Equality Act 2010 to include the sex industry in order to protect those working within it from discrimination. Her candid memoir, ‘Unashamed: Why Do People Pay for Sex?’ is out now.