My boyfriend slept with someone else because I have vaginismus, what should I do?

8 July 2020

Anonymous asks:

So I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years and during the course of our relationship I have found out that I have a medical condition called vaginismus which means that penetrative sex is so painful for me that it is near enough impossible.

We have managed to find ways around this and alternatives etc but we never ever really spoke about our sex life with each other.

I would always apologise to him and tell him I'm sorry but it didn’t seem to bother him that much.

I do however accept responsibility for not dealing with the issue sooner.

After 3 years together he went on holiday and got very drunk and found someone to sleep with- he describes it as an urge that came over him and that he wanted to have sex.

I feel so trapped at the moment as my condition is something only him and I know about and I am so embarassed, I try to talk about my sex life with friends as if it is normal.

I am scared to leave him and worried he will tell people that we didnt even have sex. I will be so embarrassed and I am so scared to be alone because i’m in my mid twenties and still havent had sex with my boyfriend which means I would be lonely forever. I am also so ashamed and embarrassed of my body that I think no one else will accept me. Please can you help?

Jessica Leoni, sex and relationship expert, said: “First of all, we should deal your vaginismus. This is a surprisingly common condition and one that is highly treatable. With the right help, there is no reason why you cannot overcome it and go on to enjoy penetrative sex. It is worth consulting your GP. I don’t doubt you have spoken previously with your doctor before about it - hence the diagnosis - but it is definitely worth seeking additional help. Experts can teach you how to touch your genitals without experiencing pain. By doing exercises you can progress to inserting the finger and, as your confidence builds, moving onwards to full intercourse. I have counselled several women with this problem over the years who have all been able to beat their fear of intercourse and go on to enjoy fulfilling sex lives. You do sound a little defeatist when talking about your condition and talk about it as though it can never be treated and you will ‘be lonely forever’ as a result. This is emphatically not the case. You are young and I can understand why you would find it embarrassing to seek help and properly address this problem, but it is definitely a step you should take.

Agony Aunts on Female First

“Now let’s move on to your boyfriend. Only you will know fully if you want to stay with him. Certainly his cheating is a huge black mark. It does happen a lot with couples in their 20s who go on holiday separately (I am assuming you weren’t on the holiday and he confessed to cheating on his return). If you really love him, then work together on seeking a ‘cure’ for your vaginismus with expert medical help. If his infidelity has made you realise he is not the one for you, then move on, but make sure you receive counselling for your condition before seeking someone new. You shouldn’t just be living with this condition year after year because I fear that, if you embark on a fresh relationship with the issue still not resolved, then this problem will come up again.

“I would not worry too much about your ‘secret getting out’ and other people finding out about your condition. As I explained at the top, it is quite common and nothing to be ashamed of. You certainly should not be staying with your boyfriend because you fear he will disclose it to others if you split. The fact that you fear that he may do this suggests to me that it might be better if you moved on. I am sure there is someone more caring and thoughtful out there who won’t cheat on you and can help you to sort out your vaginismus.”