The divorce rate for second marriages is 33% higher than the divorce rate for marriages in general - so it's clear that many men do not learn from their marital mistakes the first time around.
Weddings on Female First
So why do men make these mistakes again and again?
1) Jumping in too soon.
I strongly believe that a significant contributing factor is that many men jump back in far too soon and then, without knowing, marry the same woman they have only just divorced. She just happens to be packaged in a different body.
You may have noticed a male friend doing just that - or perhaps you've noticed how some celebrity men step out with copies of their ex. Rod Stewart comes to mind here… (think Rachel Hunter and Penny Lancaster).
2) Lack of planning.
Too many men leave meeting their perfect partner to wishful thinking, and although they may consider what their new Mrs. Right might be like in theory, that's simply not good enough. They need to design the type of woman they would like to attract into their life.
They wouldn't go on a major holiday without planning in advance what they would like to experience: adventure, relaxation, city tours, beach, water sports, type of accommodation, etc. And they certainly wouldn't buy a car without considering looks, functionality, colour, additional options, etc. Many people would consider these things far less important than the type of person someone will spend the rest of their life with.
So if they want to attract Mrs. Right they have to decide what Mrs. Right will be like - what personality traits will she have?
Here are some areas to help them out:
* What she looks like physically - hair colour, height, size, shape, eye colour etc.
* How she sounds - tone of voice, volume, pitch etc.
* What she is like emotionally.
* What interests she has and what she likes doing.
* What beliefs and values she has.
* How you are physically together.
* Her temperament.
* Her spirituality.
Not all the areas above will be important to them and, of course, they will come up with some of their own. The man should be as detailed as they like and it may help if they review what went wrong with their previous relationship, as that is likely to give them insights about what they may need this time around in a new partner.
The good news is that the list they create does not have to be perfect. They just need to make a start and can add to it as they go along. If they get really stuck, they can just list out a female version of themselves. Seriously, that may be a good place to start. They cannot go too far wrong if the woman they're with shares the same ideals, values, beliefs and interests.
Designing and planning end outcomes are common practice in business coaching and in sports psychology. And the mental mechanics used are no different when it comes to a man looking for Mrs. Right. Which brings us to point three…
3) Ignoring Science.
The Reticular Activating System (RAS), also known as the Extrathalamic Control Modulatory System, is a part of the brain that, amongst other things, is responsible for regulating arousal. It also oversees what we concentrate on and is the receiver for what we take in through our five senses. More importantly, it is the RAS that decides what we become cognitively aware of i.e. it works as a filter within our mind.
Studies, including at McGill University in Montreal, show that we have neurons at the front of our brains that act as filters for information, letting in only the most important of the trillions of signals that we receive and that constantly battle for our attention. Research shows that the average person does not have enough capacity to process all the information that bombards our senses. We therefore need 'gatekeepers', such as the RAS, to stop us overloading on data and to bring our attention to what we deem to be important.
So how do our minds decide on what data is important enough to filter? Other than some of the fundamentals that we appear to have hard-wired into us already (Central Governor Theory by Archibald Hill), we can 'programme' our mental filters with what we would like to attract, so that the RAS can draw our attention to it. Just like programming a computer. That then becomes our important data. And this is why planning is so important. We need to tell our brains what to look for.
Doctor Sigmund Freud, the celebrated 'founding father' of psychoanalysis, suggested that we are all puppets of our unconscious minds. Over 100 years later, the latest neuroscience research agrees with his theories (Professor John A Bargh, Yale University, Professor Clinton Kilts, University of Emory, Georgia ; Professor Paul Whealan, University of Wisconscin ; Brown Foundation for Human Neuroimagery).
These neuroscientists suggest that our unconscious minds ultimately dictate our choices, behaviours and actions for at least 95% of the time. This is what is termed the 'autopilot response' and also includes the type of people we attract into our lives.
"It exerts a profound influence: shaping decisions, moulding behaviour and running our lives. To make our way in the world, we need to learn to come to terms with our unconscious self."
Doctor John A Bargh - Professor of Psychology, Yale University
These autopilot responses are formed as part of, what psychology refers to as, our formative learnings.
Formative learnings are formed from past events and experiences and are stored as memories in our unconscious mind. They then go on to dictate the autopilot response. So our past relationships are part of our formative learnings - and these can then influence our subsequent relationships.
4) Holding on to baggage.
Any negative emotions and feelings men may be holding onto as a result of previous relationships will continue to reside in the autopilot and may help manifest similar situations again. They need to lose all of this unresourceful mental baggage; otherwise their past may equal their future.
The unresourceful baggage in this case equals what their mind predominately thinks about when considering their previous relationship. When asked about their previous marriage and their ex-wife, do they immediately think about the good times? The fun they had together? Do they remember her for the woman they fell in love with or for the 'evil' woman she became?
This baggage needs to be dropped - and it may take a conscious effort to re-programme their thinking in order to off load the baggage. But it can be done and it is well worth the effort.
5) Carrying on with the same programming.
There is no need to keep repeating the same mistakes. Men can purposefully re-programme their mind for those things they would like to attract into their life. This includes their next partner in life. What needs to be understood here is that this process is happening anyway and if a man does not 're-programme' what he would really like in the future, his mind will simply work off the same 'important data' that's already in there. In this case, the personality and attributes of his previous wife or partner(s).
The message therefore is that we all need to align with a life-forming process that is happening whether we like it or not. And if our predominant thinking at that deeper unconscious level is aligned with the goals we set (including the type of partner we wish to meet), our chances of happiness take a quantum leap in the right direction.
6) Not Reviewing Themselves
Once a man has designed his ideal partner he needs to ask himself, "What type of man do I need to be to attract a woman like that?" Then he needs to consider the changes that he needs to make. These may not be that daunting and some simple attention to certain areas such as shape, energy, grooming, image and dating skills may make all the difference. Remembering Point 1 - you do have some time.
Let's take body shape for example. A man doesn't necessarily have to turn himself into an Adonis. And many women who are in the over 40 age bracket I have spoken with, simply say that as long as he doesn't have a huge beer belly, they're not overly fussed. So men (if needed) should pinpoint a diet and exercise programme to that one particular area.
Another area men should target is grooming. One trip to a good salon and they can get all the advice they need - it's so easy! I also include hygiene in this area. Most women take considerable care and attention in preparing themselves when they go out on a date; especially a first date. How attractive is it to them if the man they are meeting turns up with dirty fingernails? Remember that first impressions last.
7) Not Getting Expert Help
Expert help from good trainers, consultants, mentors and coaches can really accelerate the entire process for men. Especially when someone hasn't had to attract and date a woman in over 20 years! A man may well, quite understandably, feel as though they have no idea where to start - in many ways they are learning a new skill.
For example, would they know what style of shirt or jacket helps to show them off in the best way? Maybe not, however a style and image consultant would. Do men know which colours make them look more energetic and which colours dull them down? I would guess not, however a colour analysis consultant would.
60% of women are kinaesthetic, which means you are very interested in how a man makes you feel. Did the man make you laugh or you feel comfortable in their presence? If they can naturally do this, then great. If not, then they should get themselves a good coach that can help them.
So help from experts can make all the difference. It will also help to boost a man's confidence in other areas of his life, so they may find that not only do they attract Mrs. Right, life and business, in general, also get much better. That's what many of my clients have experienced.
By considering the advice above, and ensuring men don't make the same mistakes again and again - they'll have a much better chance of meeting Mrs. Right and making the next relationship the one that lasts.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Manj Weerasekera is an expert in personal communication and a Life Skills Mentor to high net worth individuals (including some honoured by her Majesty the Queen).
Manj has a world-class skills set that includes Humanistic Neuro-Linguistic Psychology, Performance Mindset Conditioning and the Psychology of Attention. He has worked with the House of Lords, co-produced a series of BBC audio books, and is author of the forthcoming book ' The Divorced Man's Guide to Finding Mrs. Right' and 'The Merlin Approach™ '.
Website http://www.freshstartguy.com/
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