Christina Blacklaws, Director of Policy at The Co-operative Legal Services, talks to us about the growing trend of divorcees having an impact on their friend’s relationships.
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Why do most divorces occur after an average of 11 and half years?
Every marriage is different, and so it’s difficult to say exactly why divorces happen after this length of time. After over a decade, however, the ‘honeymoon’ period is often long forgotten. Some couples feel that they have changed so much as individuals that they no longer feel the same way. Children may also be growing up and becoming less dependent on their parents, meaning that couples are spending more time in one another’s company, perhaps realising that they don’t have as much in common as they used to. Whatever the reason, it’s important not to rush into a decision to divorce. It may be that couples can work through challenging times in their relationship, and come out stronger on the other side.
How can cracks in other people’ relationships suddenly translate to your own?
Friends often look to one another for relationship advice. We have lots in common with our friends, so it’s no wonder that people realise they have similar relationship issues. Ultimately, no matter how closely you relate to your friends, it is important not to feel pressured to follow their lead when it comes to relationships. It might be hard to be the only single, married or cohabiting person in the group, but always consider what makes you happy, rather than what matches your friends’ lifestyles.
Why do big life decisions have a snowball effect on couple’s friends?
We often feel comforted by moving through life at the same pace as people we know. Big life decisions can often be daunting, so seeing other people experience them makes us realise that we are capable of experiencing them too. When it comes to divorce, some people may look to their divorced friends for guidance about legal proceedings. It is important to realise that every divorce process is different, however so people shouldn’t expect to have the same experience as their friends.
Why are men more likely to be influenced by their mates than women?
There could be many reasons behind men being more influenced by their friends when it comes to divorce decisions. Perhaps men take the advice of their friends more seriously, or perhaps women put more emphasis on their own feelings as an individual. We can’t be certain, but it is important first and foremost for couples to talk openly to one another about problems in the relationship. Organisations like Relate can provide a helpful forum for this.
Why is it important to remember that all marriages are unique?
Each and every couple will face their own unique challenges over the course of their marriage. It is important that people remember that what their friends view as a major issue or a negative characteristic in a partner may not be the same for them. Relationships are not directly comparable and simply because an issue has led to the breakdown of a friend’s marriage, that doesn’t necessarily mean that you should settle for the same outcome.
How important is it to have other’s reassurances when it comes to relationships?
It is human nature to seek reassurance from others and many couples feel under pressure to have the approval of friends and family. As much as it is important that you seek support from those you know, only you and your partner can judge whether your relationship is right for you and what needs to be done to remedy any problems.
Why do celebrities not have such an impact on us than we once thought?
Although we all love to have a chat about celebrity gossip, I think most people appreciate that the celebrity lifestyle is far removed from the realities of everyday life. We relate much more easily to the lives of people we know personally, and therefore base our expectations about relationships on those we come into contact with on a daily basis.