Relationship Psychologist, Mairead Molloy, gives her expert thoughts on the much discussed topic of science and love
Weddings on Female First
With the airing of the finale of Channel 4's 'Married at First Sight' last night, the idea that we can find our perfect partner through science and algorithms has been a hot topic as of late. After all, wouldn't it be excellent if all we had to do to find 'the one' was to carry out a few experiments and equations? Particularly, if this was to mean a guaranteed match…
Relationship Psychologist and founder of elite dating agency Berkeley International, Mairead Molloy, sheds light on the phenomenon of using science to find love and gives her top 10 thoughts on the results of the programme…
Jason and Kate
'Secure Attachment' -
" Jason and Kate both have 'secure attachment' which means that they are very emotionally invested people. As we saw from the honeymoon they appeared passionate, loved-up and very tactile. However, as these emotions are extreme they can often rose-tint the reality. Everything seemed so wonderful but when the honeymoon period was over (literally in this case!) there was no real substance left."
Communication
"People don't talk enough. Women often expect men to know what they're thinking, whereas men respond best to transparency, these differences can cause friction and frustration, so simple communication is key.
Jason and Kate failed at this too soon in the relationship. If you have issue or something that is bothering you, do not bottle it up. Instead talk about it with your partner and this will stop any unwanted tension developing between you both".
Busy Lives
"Jason and Kate were matched precisely because their work ethic was so compatible. They are both busy and ambitious people and aligned in the direction they envisage their life is going. However, they should have made more time for each other. This is particularly important in the early stages of any relationship. Although you cannot change work commitments, Jason should have offered to cook with Kate after their long days at work. Similarly when Jason offered Kate the champagne she should have recognised the gesture and accepted."
Early Stages
"This failing is down to the whole concept of the programme, particularly as Jason clearly sees himself as a dominant male. Men like the chase and as the couple's wedding day was the first meeting this instantly removed this element. Usually, before everyone gets into a relationship they at least experience a couple of dates which are just as important as the relationship and then the marriage itself."
The Modern World
"Although I believe that the social media world that we currently living is NOT an excuse for cheats, this proves that society today facilitates and makes it easier for couples to be led astray. If this experiment had been conducted 20 years ago the problem of Jason going on Tinder would never have happened. However, what Jason did was completely wrong and proves that commitment and dedication to one another will always be the ultimate foundation of a marriage or relationship."
James and Emma
Humour
"At Berkeley I often find 'humour' is on the wish list that people desire for their prospective partner. The importance of humour and fun cannot be overlooked and was a defining part of Emma and James' marriage. Sometimes this means couples fall into a trap of taking everything as a joke but here it cemented their relationship as they grew together."
Friendship
"The main concern I had for James and Emma was the apparent lack of spark. I felt there was a risk they would fall into friendship. However, relationships do not have to include instant attraction. This was definitely a slow burner but proves that you must be best friends with your spouse to really make the relationship last."
Two To Tango + Do Something Different
"James and Emma really immersed themselves into married life by doing domesticated chores like DIY and cooking together, but also by doing some more exciting activities. This combination is perfect. The everyday tasks showed how they worked together as a unit and the fun activities proved they wanted to keep the relationship fun, essential in the early stages and throughout."
Opposite Attract - Compromise
"James and Emma were part of different attachment theories. Although they were oft quoted as being the 'female/ male version' their differences in attachment were a classic case of opposites attract. James was very tactical and Emma found it difficult to let people in. Therefore both couples had to compromise to a happy medium as James learnt to be less pushy and Emma learnt to open up to James."
Friendship Circles
"Emma and James are sociable people and friendships are extremely important to them. They often enjoyed group activities and acceptance of the relationship by their friends helped them accept their relationship together."
Does Science Equal Love?
"All online dating agencies have a team of people using scientific techniques to match potential partners; however, I don't believe that you can use science or algorithms to predict a successful relationship. There is a difference between matching people with similar interests and values to taking it to the next level with the use of science. The tests used on the C4 programme, for example measuring Waist-to-Hip ratio and analysing salvia is utterly ridiculous. Yes, we must be physically attracted to a prospective partner but this does not mean we need an in-depth physical examination to prove this!
At Berkeley, we do things differently. Of course I match people based on interests, values and likes and dislikes but I also take the time to get to know members personally. This ensures I get a 'feel' for the relationship being successful by spending time with the prospective couple. I assess compatibility through an array of signs, for example body language and gestures, which you can only observe when meeting someone face-to -face."
Keep the Romance
"People always dream of meeting their partner in an unusual romantic situation, however, in the modern world, where we are all busy, this is quite frankly unlikely. Therefore, sometimes a little help is necessary. Matchmaking services have been berated as being too clinical a method for finding a partner, but the amount of success stories from Berkeley is astounding and disproves this theory. Regardless of how you meet your prospective partner, it is a couples' choice whether they make the dates and relationship romantic. The match-making that occurs pre-dating does not need to dampen the romance later on!"
'Ideal' Match Made in Heaven
"More than often we as humans want everything to be perfect - the perfect career, relationship and family to follow. This is probably why people are turning to science to help find them love. Everyone has a wish list for their perfect partner; however it is not a case of doing the sums and trying to find two wish lists that are 100% compatible. To turn back to the notion of science- consider all the complex equations we had to do at school and think about this complexity in relation to love! There are so many depths and layers to us as people and although a match may work perfectly on paper, there is a small percentage chance that the relationship will not be successful. People can be funny and unpredictable by nature so it is only to be expected that some of those who appear to be perfectly suited on paper may fail to get on in real life. I believe that we should have high-standards and not settle for anything less than we desire but be mindful of the length of your wish list. Of course we will never meet every single person on the planet and if we could there would be a whole host of ideal matches!"
Mairead Molloy is a relationship psychologist and founder and CEO of the world's most preeminent dating service, Berkeley International. www.berkeley-international.com