Argh! What's that awful squealing? Nails down a blackboard? A pterodactyl in a lit furnace? Posh Spice without the autotune? Nope. It's Colleen's return to Summer Bay, and her blast of "Yoo hoo everyone!" nearly makes our picture cut out. We almost wish it did, too, as she looks like Vivienne Westwood's Christmas tree might if she'd dressed it during a panic attack. Naturally, while she was away, Alf and Irene did sweet nothing with regard to her beloved Christmas pageant - and now she's on the warpath. "Roll up your sleeves!" she hoots, as people nationwide turn the sound down. "The show will go on!"Alf is promptly cast as Santa; Irene is the Angel Gabriel; Belle the Virgin Mary (we guess it would have been funnier had it been Amanda); and Lucas is asked to step in as Joseph. Strangely enough, he's not that keen on the idea. "Me, on stage?" he says. "Acting?" Yeah, we see your point mate. However, Drew - who has been busy suckling a baby doll in the background - swiftly relieves him of his duties. Hmmm. Anyway, it's not just the casting that's all wrong - the script stinks to high heaven too. "Colleen," honks Alf, "since when were there box jellyfish and seagulls at the birth of Jesus Christ?" Good question mate. But more to the point - when was Father Christmas there?It's no wonder that Johnny's gang wants to do a bank job. Many of the members can't even afford shirts. Rocco, though, would rather spend the rest of his life in a hessian sack than play along. This is why he's spilling the details to Constable Ash, even though it's a high-risk strategy. You see, should Johnny find out that he's been betrayed, the only thing Rocco will be wearing is a body bag. Ash insists that they won’t let that happen, before telling Rocco to get as much solid information on the night's crime spree as possible. Johnny, though, starts to get suspicious of all the questioning - especially when Rocco demands to know the exact time it will all be kicking off. He fobs him off with no answer before telling him to drain some more funds from Sally's bank account. What's a boy to do? Well, Ash thinks that Rocco should do as he's told. If he carries on playing the game then he'll avoid detection and, besides, it'll all be over soon. That afternoon, Rocco goes online and does the deed. Although Morag is haunting the kitchen behind him, he manages to make the transfer before she can arch an eyebrow. Drew has already slipped into Lucas's shoes for the play, but it's quite obvious that he'd like to slip into a relationship with his girlfriend too. As he probes for information on their affair, Luc admits that he doesn't think it's serious yet. However, Belle - who is standing well within earshot - was under the impression that she should start thinking about what colour napkins they should have for the sit-down meal at the wedding reception. Voices are raised and tears are shed, but the two of them soon make amends - much to Drew's chagrin. He later confronts Belle and asks her to get back with him, but she gives this idea short shrift. A crushed and embarrassed Drew hopes he hasn’t ruined their friendship, but Belle assures him that this isn't the case. The only problem remaining is that they're going to be starring opposite each other in the pageant - and the script includes the kind of kissing scene that would make your mum have a funny turn...Oh ho. We saw this one coming. As soon as Martha starts suggesting interesting plans to her man, Ash goes a bit green around the gills and starts dishing out feeble excuses. The reason he can't take a trip up north with Martha is that he's already booked in to see his parents in their country pile. "You're playing right into my auntie's hands with all these mysterious trips away", Martha smiles, and she's right too. Morag still isn’t convinced that the town's new copper is squeaky clean. Rocco overhears and probes Morag for further information. "Instinct tells me he is up to something", Morag growls, while pouring herself a large scotch and letting her eyes roll back in her head. So, with this in mind, can Rocco really trust him? Well, Ash assures him that he isn't about to drop him in it with his brother. Once they’ve busted the gang - and they will - Rocco will be off the hook. However, what they don't know is that Johnny is listening to every word of their frank little exchange. And, ooh, he's dead narked about it too...

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