How to handle your monster-in-law

27 October 2019

When we embark on a new relationship, amongst the many things that make us nervous, impressing our partner’s friends and family is certainly one of them. Our potential future mother-in-law is often the most nerve wracking of all. It’s natural to want to make a good impression, from choosing the right outfit, getting the inside scoop about their interests and hobbies and maybe even taking something freshly baked when you first meet them.

Relationships on Female First

All the while, we assure ourselves they should love us, if their child does, why shouldn’t their parents?

Unfortunately, this is a relationship that doesn’t always flourish as well as we hoped. The parenting website NetMums recently found that one in four women despise their partner’s mother, with her controlling nature ranking as the number one reason why.

As many are aware, there are also plenty of other reasons why bonding with a mother-in-law can be particularly challenging. Reasons can range from disagreeing on parenting and marriage skills to feeling they compete for your partner’s attention. Whether she undermines your appearance, job, or life choices, the monster-in-law can not only test relationships, but how we feel about ourselves.

To help with addressing the issue, Ben Edwards, a relationship coach and self-confidence expert, has some invaluable tips for how to handle your monster-in-law.

Her actions aren’t a reflection on you

Quite often, a difficult mother-in-law often acts in a certain way because of some misdirected anger. For example, she might be frustrated with her own relationship with her son/daughter and takes it out on you, or perhaps she is unsatisfied with something in her own life and therefore resents how happy you and her son/daughter are. While it’s not right that you receive the brunt of this, it’s important to remember for you own well-being that if this is the case, it isn’t a reflection on you as a person.

Don’t compare yourself to others

Some friends will have brilliant relationships with their mother-in-law and they’ll happily talk about family holidays, organising their child’s birthday party with their mother-in-law or describing her as someone they can always seek advice from. This simply isn’t the case for everyone and accepting that your situation is different will stop you comparing yourself to others. This will only lead to growing frustrated that things aren’t exactly how you want them.

Communicate with your partner

Although this can be a sensitive topic, if your mother-in-law is really becoming an issue, it’s essential you talk to your partner about it. Avoiding the subject could only lead to you resenting your partner as well or avoiding seeing their family, as a result your relationship could suffer if they don’t know the reasons why. If you have clear evidence and explain how certain actions make you feel, your partner is more likely to notice it next time and support you or call his/her mother out for her behaviour.

Be assertive

While you might be willing to tolerate a certain amount of negative behaviour to make things easier for your partner, it’s also important to be assertive if the behaviour starts to impact you in a bad way. For example, if your mother-in-law is constantly belittling you, you don’t have to put up with it just because you are in a relationship with their son/daughter. If they constantly try to get in the way of plans that you and your partner have or make them choose between you and them, be assertive in stating that you are busy at the weekend and she will have to arrange a more convenient time. This will help you to feel secure and will let your mother-in-law know what you will and won’t tolerate.

You don’t need to constantly try to impress

Unfortunately with the dreaded monster-in-law, it’s likely to be the case that whatever you do, their behaviour will be the same towards you. It’s tempting to do everything you can to win them over or impress them, but if this is constantly making you feel defeated or you are growing in frustration that things aren’t going your way, just be yourself. Your partner has chosen to be with you for a reason and if their parents can’t also see those reasons, realising there is nothing you can do can actually feel quite freeing.