Mother’s Day is here again so the mothers within the Female First team have each written heartfelt words for their child/children to read in years to come. In the following letters they share their future hopes for their babies, how those early moments have shaped the way they feel about their children and just how complex parenting in today's world can be.
Image courtesy of Unsplash
Written by Holly Mosley, Features Writer
Dear Beatrix,
I often feel like I’m in a parallel universe. Or as though you and all the paraphernalia that comes with you are some kind of holographic overlay over my real life. When you’re not there, I feel almost normal, and when you are there… Let’s just say that I can’t quite get used to the idea of being a mother of a 1-year-old.
In those first few months with you I wished I was your sister or your best friend. Being your mother was a responsibility that terrified me beyond anything I’d known before. I still feel like a child. A 5-year-old girl blinking timidly at the faces of busy adults easily ordering coffee, making appointments and driving their cars while I wish my mother was still holding my hand and murmuring words of comfort in my ear.
The first time you cried after your long post-birth nap, I panicked. I had no idea what to do. I didn’t know how to pick you up. How to hold you. How to change you. How to feed you. Suddenly, I realised that caring for you was not as instinctual as I’d hoped. I cried over breast-feeding, I wept over not knowing how many layers to dress you in, I sobbed that it hurt my body to carry you.
But here’s what I knew for sure. I loved you with every particle of my being. I never laughed more in a day than I have since having you. My jaw has never hurt so much from smiling. I’ve never felt more overwhelmed with love, never melted more over a kiss than when you press your lips to mine. My eyes are permanently wet with emotion, and I sigh often as though suffocating under this blanket of love. And if I’ve learned anything from you, it’s that we were made for each other. That I ought to trust myself like you trust me with every fibre of your being. That feeling like a child has only brought us closer. That I am not only a good mother, but the best in your eyes.
Many times have I felt guilt over bringing you into a world full of cruelty and pain, but already I see in you a fearlessness that I never had. A determination and a drive that will take you so far, and an individuality that I hope you’ll never surrender.
I often wonder what you’re going to do with your life. You walked early, your motor skills are apparently leagues better than my own were at your age. I hope that means that I haven’t passed my dyspraxia on to you. Perhaps you’ll be a musician; you love making noise. Or a dancer; there isn’t a TV theme song you can’t dance to. You can dribble a football like that’s what your feet were made for, but you’re fascinated by how things work. An athlete or an engineer? I’ve pondered everything.
I don’t mind what you do with your life. I wish for your happiness. I’ll support you no matter what you choose to do, but I’ll always pray you stay close to me. The biggest paradox of all is that your future happiness relies on my sadness. Sadness in that I know that the person I love most in the world cannot possibly love me the same, and that one day the metaphorical cord that connects us will be severed for good. You’ll leave me. But I will never, ever leave you.
Love forever,
Mum
By Parenting Writer, Laura Cummins
Mother’s Day 2022: A letter to my darling son
Noah – you are more than I ever thought you could be.
Your mischievous smile, your witty ways, and the fine stubbornness you’ve obtained (sorry about that!) makes you, you, and I’ll forever be proud of you, my little peanut.
To say you had an ‘odd’ start to your life is an understatement. As you were growing with love, you were oblivious to the craziness of the outside world.
Four months before you would make my world perfect: the outside world was anything but.
The country was put into lockdown as we were hit with the virus; ‘Covid-19’ - The pandemic had turned all we knew upside down.
I’ll admit this was a very scary and peculiar time for everyone. We were in constant limbo. Bringing an innocent baby into this disaster felt cruel. The ever-growing guilt was paramount – the future was vulnerable and so were you.
The day you came into my life will forever remain in my core memory– in that moment when you lay on my chest – was the first time I experienced true love.
I promised I would protect you at all costs and make you see the world in all its beauty, despite the opposing portrayals.
I was compelled to be the best mother I could be and give you the best start in life, no matter the obstacles that we faced.
All you knew was me – you couldn’t meet family, friends, anyone – it felt extremely lonely. Just the two of us. But this would only cement our bond which will be rooted for life.
As the world began to ‘normalise,’ I was extremely conscious of your surroundings. Looking back, maybe too much? You didn’t enjoy being around people and different environments. This was understandable, you’d gone from a quiet, mundane, you and I life, to the world back at a hundred miles an hour.
The guilt continued – I wished so hard for it to be different – why did it have to be like this?
What was certain was, when you looked at me, I knew that the only thing that you cared about was me: Your mum. I had to stop dwelling on the ‘what ifs’ and live in the now, with you, as this was our only chance we’d get. You won’t stay small for long and already the last 20 months have gone by in a heartbeat.
You give me a purpose in life, Noah – watching you grow and build your own little personality is fascinating to witness and a joy to be a part of. You have the spirit of an older being, the way you deliver comedic timings and understand things that are beyond your years.
Yes, it can be hard, we are growing and learning together. But you never fail to amaze me and make me laugh harder than anyone has before. I love watching you play with your trains and toys and see your mind ticking over – I’d love to be able to know what you’re thinking.
As you get older, I hope that you are happy. It doesn’t matter what you decide as a career path, or where you decide to live, the choices you make I will fully support, as long as they bring you happiness. Remember to always be kind, caring and loving. I hope that I can lead by example and protect you as much as possible. I want you to know that I will always be here for you and I long for you to see me as your ‘go-to.’
If you do ever read this, I hope it brings a smile to your face, knowing that you are so loved and are the best thing to ever happen to me.
Love you forever,
Mummy xxx
Written by Lucy Walton Lange, Editor
Mother’s Day 2022: An letter to my beautiful girls
You both came into the world a blank canvas- knowing no judgement. You loved me from the moment they put you into my arms despite the fact I was completely unqualified for the job- but you didn’t care. You instinctively knew I would do my best for you.
You weren’t disgusted by my scars from where they took you from me, my messy hair or my face without make-up. It didn’t matter what I did for a living, what qualifications I had, what car I would drive you home in or the size of the house I would take you back to- you loved me purely, deeply and unconditionally. No one has ever looked at me the way you did when we first locked eyes.
Your happy place was on my chest where you could hear my heartbeat that had been the soundtrack to your world for the last nine months. You didn’t want to turn off the music and I was happy to oblige.
I envied you both in those first moments, those initial weeks and months- neither of you knew of pain, or loss or jealousy or any of the negative things that enter our world uninvited as time goes on.
All you wanted was love, rest, warmth and food. The basic necessities that we all forget as we get older. The things that really matter in life- those we all strive to get back as they escape our grasp as the years go by.
As you both grow, you will encounter the brutalities of the world, the nastiness and the cruelty of others. I can’t protect you from it all but I will do my upmost to shield you from it as much as I can. All any mother wants is the best for her children but I know that won’t always be so.
I feel a huge responsibility to ensure neither of you make the mistakes I have. I want you both to pave a path of joy and positivity not one of sadness or regret.
A mother’s love is like no other and a mother’s worry and guilt is sometimes overwhelming and suffocating but it’s proof of how important you both are to me.
While I may not have much to pass on to you, I have learned a few things about the world in my few decades that I want you to know.
Be whatever you want to be- not what someone else thinks you should be.
Love whoever you want to as long as they treat you well- if they don’t respect you, they aren’t worth your time.
Travel to the places you want to go, but if you don’t want to go far, that’s ok too.
Be kind to those who are kind to you but don’t be cruel to those who aren’t- they are fighting an internal battle of their own.
Be happy by doing things that fulfil you and by being grateful every day for what you have- not what you don’t.
Be healthy- treat your body with the respect it deserves- you only have the one so feed it well, clean it often, move it around and let your skin breathe.
Invest in things and people that will stand the test of time.
Tell yourself every day that you are beautiful- because you are.
Don’t compare yourself to others, there will always be someone with greener grass than you- concentrate on tending to your own patch of earth.
Don’t make money your only goal. Have enough to keep the wolf from the door and enjoy the experiences the rest can give you.
Material things don’t matter, so don’t spend your life accumulating stuff- collect memories of moments with people who deserve your time and attention.
Thank you for teaching me about the fascination in the small and simple things, for pushing me to get up and for loving me and my many, many imperfections.
You are my everything, my little sleep thieves. I love you purely, deeply and unconditionally... now and forever.
Mam xx
Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers out there- you are amazing!
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