The problem…
I lost my temper and now my girlfriend has left
"I am really ashamed of myself and I'm feeling terrible at the moment because I have driven my girlfriend and our four-month-old son away. She has gone back to her parents after we had a stupid row.
"Things are very tight financially for me right now – I've been furloughed, and I suppose I'm very stressed and anxious about the future. That doesn't excuse what I did though. I found her online, buying something on the internet and I just lost it. I got really angry and locked her in the bedroom. I didn't attack her or do anything to her physically, but I did shout at her and hit the wall with my fists. I suppose I frightened her, because when I got back from a walk she'd left, taking our baby with her.
"I have begged her to come back to me, but she just cuts me off – now she's blocked my calls completely. I've sent her text messages but I don't know if they're getting through or not; I've promised her I'll never do anything like it again.
"I am desperate for her to come back to me – do you think, once she has had a chance to think things over, that she will? I am sure she isn't happy living in just one room at her parents' house, so surely she'll see eventually that she'd be better off with me.
Fiona says…
"If your girlfriend were writing to me, I'd be suggesting to her that the best place for her right now is with her parents. I'm sorry if that's not what you wanted to hear but domestic abuse has increased enormously and has been described as a 'shadow pandemic' alongside Covid-19.
"As well as making things much harder for people already in abusive relationships, the lockdown measures have created extra stress for many people who would normally not feel the need to resort to anger or aggression. Like you, many people are having to deal with more anger than they might usually feel. On top of things like money worries, being cooped up together 24-hours a day can create huge strain, especially without access to usual support systems and activities. But while a rise in frustration may be explainable, that doesn't make it OK.
"Your girlfriend needed support and understanding from you, especially with a baby of only four months old. What she got from you was abuse and fear. Whilst you may not have physically hit her, make no mistake, your behaviour was abuse so I'm not surprised she feels safer back at her parents' house, even if it is cramped and not ideal. You have let her down badly and I am sure she needs space to come to terms with your behaviour, and what she wants to do for the future.
"If you try to force her in any way now, it will only serve to enforce her view of you as an aggressive bully. You've tried the phone and text messaging without success, so I suggest you write to her and explain, honestly, how you feel about her and about the way you behaved. Telling her to return home because she'd be 'better off' isn't really the issue here.
"Learning to control your aggressive streak is important and you'll probably need professional help in learning how to do so. If your girlfriend knows you're seeking help and taking it seriously, she might have more confidence in you – but you can't expect anyone to take this lightly or be rushed into a quick decision.
"Many therapy services are now providing support through video calls, so that people can still access treatment during social distancing. The British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (bacp.co.uk) has an online search you can use to find a therapist – many of whom can offer help by phone or video. The 'find a therapist' button is on the front page. There is also a website called The Counselling Directory (counselling-directory.org.uk), which has information about practitioners you could talk to.
"Getting help and learning to manage your emotions in a more healthy way will be a really beneficial step. But whether your girlfriend wants to give you another chance is entirely her choice, and you will have to respect that."
If you have a problem you need help with, email Fiona by writing to [email protected] for advice. All letters are treated in complete confidence and, to protect this privacy, Fiona is unable to pass on your messages to other readers. Fiona regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence.