It's almost Valentine's Day which means that a lot of couples will be preparing to settle down in front of the TV with a bottle of wine, some candles and an old movie. The problem is, a lot of romantic classics are just not relatable, or downright unhealthy. Thus, we present some perfect swaps for such narratives; these epics are much more realistic, if not entertaining.
Instead of... Fifty Shades of Grey
Watch... Preaching to the Perverted
The Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy is probably the worst depiction of BDSM ever seen in mainstream culture. The levels of control and coercion are deeply unhealthy and seriously unromantic - and it's an insult to the fetish scene. Preaching to the Perverted delves even deeper into what BDSM is all about as a group of fetish artists fight to prevent their activities from being outlawed by the British government. It's also a powerful exploration of the importance of consent.
Instead of... Lolita
Watch... Hard Candy
Lolita, based on the Vladimir Nabokov novel of the same name, might be considered a classic, but for the most part it hugely romanticises hebephilia. It's all about a man who seduces and is seduced by his 12-year-old stepdaughter, and most find it an uncomfortable movie to watch.
Hard Candy, on the other hand, sees a 14-year-old girl ensnare an older man online, only to hold him hostage in his own home and get bloody revenge.
Instead of... Blue is the Warmest Colour
Watch... Freeheld
You can't help but have questions when a film about the romance between two women is both gratuitously graphic and also directed by a man, but there are more issues than that with this film. Working conditions for the crew were reportedly poor thanks to harassment and unpaid overtime among other things, and actresses Léa Seydoux and Adèle Exarchopoulos also complained about director Abdellatif Kechiche's behaviour, branding the experience "horrible". For such an intimate movie, you'd expect the stars to be made to feel as comfortable as possible.
If you want a romantic lesbian movie, opt for Freeheld; starring Ellen Page and Julianne Moore, it's the real story of a police detective (Moore) with terminal cancer who fights to have ownership of her assets legally transferred to her partner (Page) following her death.
Instead of... By The Sea
Watch... Hope Springs
We're far too accustomed to seeing Hollywood's most beautiful people playing the leads in romance films, and while Angelina Jolie's By the Sea was particularly visceral in that it reflected her marriage with former husband Brad Pitt, it's still just another movie about a hot couple with a fiery relationship.
We prefer Hope Springs, which follows an older couple (played by Meryl Streep and Tommy Lee Jones) who embark on a trip to seek intense marriage counselling after becoming complacent in their decades together. It's a film so many older couples can relate to, and an important commentary on marriage.
Instead of... Twilight
Watch... Bram Stoker's Dracula
Twilight is, by common acknowledgement, the fluffiest vampire story ever to have been written. Dracula, meanwhile, is the first and foremost vampire tale, and should always be considered on film night over its modern contemporaries. This Francis Ford Coppola re-telling starring Gary Oldman, Keanu Reeves and Winona Ryder is by far the best.
Not that there's anything wrong with Twilight, but if you're going to watch a film about an unhealthy relationship plagued by supernatural forces, at least go all out with the original Bram Stoker tale.
Instead of... Pretty Woman
Watch... Monster
No film glamorises prostitution quite like Pretty Woman. Vivian Ward is a remarkably clean-cut sex worker who has never taken drugs and has no dark backstory, and just happens upon true love with a business tycoon. If you go into such a business with this scenario in mind, you'll likely receive a very rude awakening.
Alternatively, Monster is the true story of Aileen Wuornos; a destitute prostitute with a history of neglect and sexual abuse who falls in love with a woman and ends up killing at least seven of her Johns. That's the brutal and terrible reality of the desperation that exists among street hookers.
Instead of... Romeo + Juliet
Watch... The Fault in Our Stars
If you're going to watch a tragic love story about star-cross'd lovers, you can do better than Shakespeare. It will always be a classic, but largely because it's so far-fetched. Instead of pre-determined double-suicide, opt for this more realistic and ultimately more romantic tale. Based on the John Greene novel, The Fault in Our Stars follows two teenagers with terminal cancer, who fall in love and make the most of their short time together in the best way they can.
Instead of... Pride and Prejudice
Watch... Bridget Jones's Diary
There isn't a lot of different between Mr. Fitzwilliam Darcy of the former and Mark Darcy of the latter, but we can definitely relate to Bridget Jones more than Elizabeth Bennett. She's curvy, clumsy, awkward and occasionally wears the wrong thing to the office, while Elizabeth is intelligent, haughty and bookish. Which is also fine... But few people are quite that sussed. Plus, we like Mark in his own awkwardness over the perfectly brooding Mr. Darcy.
Instead of... Brokeback Mountain
Watch... Call Me By Your Name
Violent macho altercations that turn into steamy romantic encounters by two people clearly uncomfortable with their sexualities is verging on cliche, and it's also not the best message to send to young men struggling with their sexual identity.
Call Me By Your Name, meanwhile, is one of the greatest queer movies of all time, and explores a relationship much more complex than a burning sexual desire. It's got understanding parents, moments of pure silliness, and an ending that might not be dramatic, but feels realistic and true to the story.
Tagged in romance Valentine's Day