Dolph Lundgren’s name is rarely shortened to the portmanteau ‘Dolphin’, and with good reason. As noble and intelligent a beast as the Dolphin is, it lacks the awe-inspiring menace of Dolph.
Dolphins can kill sharks, but Dolph can kill sharks, cyborgs and entire armies. There’s an argument to be made that Dolph could hold his own against an army of cyborg sharks if push came to shove.
Here are five reasons why you shouldn’t mess with the great man:
1) Dolph Lundgren is He-Man; a Master of the Universe. In Masters of the Universe, Frank Langella’s Skeletor did enough to scare the wits out of plenty of young children, but even he was no match for Dolph.
In the smallest pants you’ve ever seen, Dolph sends the ghostly, evil overlord tumbling into a giant pit of doom following an epic swordfight. Be warned: Dolph has the Power!
2) He killed Apollo Creed in Rocky IV, and Apollo Creed was no mug. Sure, the former Heavyweight Champion of the World’s vanity led to him getting into the ring and he was well past his prime, but Creed was still in great shape.
Dolph discarded him as casually as your or I might chuck a Kleenex in the bin. The ruthlessly efficient damage handed out by Dolph was as brutal as his post-match summary: 'If he dies, he dies'.
3) In Universal Soldier, Dolph wore a necklace. So far, so non-threatening. What’s that? The necklace was made from the ears of murdered Vietnamese villagers, you say. Oh, right.
As Sergeant Andrew Scott he was a mad, bad, nutjob who got shot to bits by Jean-Claude Van Damme for murdering innocent little kids.
But then the Universal Soldier programme brought Dolph back to life with heightened strength, speed and stamina twenty three years later. Nice work, brainiacs! Needless to say, a lot of people died horrible deaths.
4) In The Expendables, Dolph returned to the big screen after a prolonged absence. He played Gunnar Jensen, another loose canon with a penchant for blowing people in half.
In the movie, Dolph struggles with anger management issues and what appears to be a pretty destructive drug habit.
Nonetheless, he somehow maintains both the nicest set of teeth and biggest arms you’ve ever seen. Never underestimate his body’s magnificent ability to regenerate quickly.
5) In real life - not a movie - but an actual happening this one, Dolph managed to dissuade would-be burglars from robbing his house. And he wasn’t even present.
Three masked burglars broke into Dolph’s Marbella home in 2009 and threatened his wife, but fled when they spotted a family photo and realised whose home they had broken into.
Wise move, for nothing would panic you more than the prospect of an angry Dolph hunting you down.
Dolph Lundgren is back in new action-thriller Direct Contact, which is coming to DVD on June 13, courtesy of Lions Gate Home Entertainment.
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