Knocked Up

Knocked Up

To celebrate the release of Knocked Up on DVD Female First bring you some top tips to avoid one night stand disaster

10 things you never want to hear from a one-night stand

  • 1. “I hate to rush out the door but I have another date tonight.”
  • 2. “It’s nice having sex with someone you don’t inflate.”
  • 3. “I’d love to stay for breakfast but I’ve an appointment at the clinic at nine.”
  • 4. “No I’m from a big family, my four brothers and daddy are all in the marines, but they’re very protective of me…”
  • 5. “Do you mind if we hurry this up, my husband/wife is waiting in the car outside.”
  • 6. “No, that’s not a smoke detector on the ceiling, it’s a web cam.”
  • 7. “Is that it? What am I supposed to do with that?!”
  • 8. “That’ll be £200.”
  • 9. “The boiler’s broken at my place, I haven’t washed for days.”
  • 10. “Can we go back to yours? I don’t want to wake my parents.”

10 tips to escape a one night stand

1. Be Prepared. It may sound obvious, but have a plan of escape in place. The last thing you want is to wake up with a loved-up hairy whale the next morning and be in your own bed. If he/she knows where you live, there’s simply no escape. Short of moving.

2. No matter how drunk you get, remember it’s not actually necessary (or big and clever) to do a runner out of the restaurant’s (or more likely pub’s) toilet window. At best you’ll be pointed and laughed at when you get stuck and the cops are called, at worst you’ll snag something that’ll put an end to your one night stand adventures for good. Nasty.

3. A simple one this, but turn up late to the date. It gives you a distinct advantage to check out the goods beforehand and not even go there should you be faced with a monster. If it’s a goer, the old ‘a funny thing happened on the way here…’ line usually keeps things sweet.

4. Give a friend the heads up and either get him/her to tag along surreptitiously or set up a dummy phone call as a get out clause. Don’t answer if you’re enjoying yourself, but should the thought of another few hours in your date’s company have you gnawing your own arm off in distress, the exit door is open.

5. Have a story ready – a get out clause should things turn nasty or, worse, serious. Tried, tested and almost always 100 per cent successful lines include, ‘The wife/husband is expecting me’, or, for the really persistent, ‘I’ve got to pick the kids up from the detention centre’.

6. Though this should never happen, if you find yourself ‘back at his or hers’ but change your mind, start scratching your nethers. A lot. Nothing kills the mood quicker than the impression you’ve got something to offer other than a whole lotta lovin’.

7. Worst case scenario – you wake up at your place with the creature of your nightmares. Good tip – keep a picture of someone of the opposite sex but similar generic build to you by your bed, and when the inevitable ‘who’s that’ question arises (no man or woman is trusting enough not to ask), a simple ‘me before the operation’ retort will have you kicking back en seule in record time.

8. When scarpering the ‘scene of the crime’ never to return, leave no evidence of your shaggathon (such as a drunkenly-proffered phone number) behind. If your prize pants or knickers have been flung out of reach in a lust-induced act of bravado, leave them as a trophy – unless your name and number is sewn into the lining.

9. If you can, get out while your date’s still sleeping – it’s clean, easy and once you’re out that door you’re home free. And all the wiser for your next encounter.

10. Use one of the lines from ‘ten things you never want to hear from a one night stand’. Success guaranteed (probably).

10 ways for a man to get ready for and survive a one night stand

1. Keep it clean. Your body that is. Shower like an Olympian and make sure you scrub in all those tough to reach crevices, then repeat, because you never know what kind of sex-crazed deviant you may luck into.

2. Think dirty. There’s nothing wrong with a little ‘pre-game warm up’ if you know what we mean – you’ll last longer later and probably drool less during dinner. The oldest trick in the book.

3. Go prepared. Just because it’s a one-nighter doesn’t mean you’re less likely to come back with some new friends in the undergrowth, just the opposite in fact. Worst-case scenario? Watch Knocked Up and see for yourself. Noooooo…

4. Set yourself a standard and stick to it. The traditional one to ten scale usually suffices, but for God’s sake don’t waver in the face of failure. There’s little sadder sight than a drunken, broken man skulking home safe in the knowledge he’s punching well below his weight to cries of ‘I’d give her one… out of ten!’ from strangers and friends alike.

5. Maintain your stealth levels. No blasé chat about where you work, where your mum lives, your home phone number… you get the idea. Keep it basic and your getaway will be all the easier. Engage in real conversation and you could lump yourself with a ‘thinker’. Disaster.

6. Don’t get too wasted. A subjective one this, depending on how wasted is too wasted in your Stella-soaked eyes. But while booze may lubricate the wheels of love, it will also blur the boundaries between a four and an eight on the Standard Scale (see tip 4) and that can only lead to disaster.

7. Remember: it’s all about quantity as well as quality. Despite what you may hope and expect, not every girl is bang and up for a strings-free night of secrete the salami with you, so get in your venue of choice and get chatting up fast. Every rejection will lead you one step closer to success – trust us, it’s scientific fact! (Disclaimer: okay, it’s not actually fact).

8. Don’t be stingy if you think you’re in. Buy drinks, treat her to a kebab, pay for the taxi (and if you’re lucky the motel room), because a little splashing of the greenbacks and a few hours overtime come Monday are small prices to pay for the potential treats in store.

9. Have a suitable abode prepped and ready for your night of ill repute, be it mate-on-holiday’s house (he never has to know), local motel where you have a standing arrangement or your pimped up motor (smooth). Do not, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, take them back to yours – it’s just not worth the risk. 10. If you can be civilised, do be – leave her hot, happy and breathing hard and maybe her friends will want a slice of your man love too. Form an orderly queue ladies…

10 ways for a woman to get ready for and survive a one night stand

1. Safety first. If you’re planning a night of pure carnal filth with some unknown lothario, then let a friend know where you’re going, when you’ll be back and have a check in time. Because alongside the studs of the world there are plenty of weirdos too.

2. Despite what neurotic singleton simpleton Bridget Jones claims, massive grey pants are not acceptable to any man, no matter how horny and drunk he may be. Matching thong and bra, boy pants and no bra, or better yet going commando are far more lucrative incentives.

3. The venue. The local meat market will be packed with sweat-soaked, tattoo-touting alpha males all vying for your attention with black Sambucas and halves of lager and lime. If you’re a Chanel and champers type, a more salubrious locale is a must.

4. Group tactics. While going it alone is fun, there are few things better than reliving your romping revelries in the cold light of day with your friends. This may scupper your claims of pulling a Clooney when he was more like a Rooney, but it could introduce a little quality control (see tip 6).

5. Be aware. Just because you’re up for a night of pure filth with a willing womaniser doesn’t mean you can open yourself up to anything. Set some boundaries early, never leave your drink unattended (date rape and a one night stand are definitely not the same thing) and keep that poor sucker guessing right ‘til the end.

6. Quality control. Your lady garden may well be hotter than the Beelzebub’s balls but don’t let that dictate your man choice. This isn’t a first come, first served situation!

7. If your prey has the trouser tackle of a small ferret, don’t just humiliate him and laugh (save that treat for later with your mates). Work around it or make a suitable excuse and leave him to a game of five against one.

8. Make sure you know where you’re going to do the deed. If he’s any sort of man he’s taking care of those details, but don’t just blindly wander into the middle of nowhere as your loins take control.

9. Safe sex. Because you know you can’t trust any man to have thought about it in advance, and who wants to get to the best bit only to be denied? Claims he may have of using a condom being ‘like eating a Mars bar with the wrapper on’ should be studiously ignored.

10.You’re a woman in control and you should let him know. This isn’t some prissy, pussyfooting ‘relationship’, so get in and get yours first! You know he’ll be trying to do the same and the last reward you want for a night tolerating his mind-numbing chat-up lines is a grunt, a fart and a snoring hairy back facing you after five minutes of fun

Knocked up is released on DVD on 26th December

To celebrate the release of Knocked Up on DVD Female First bring you some top tips to avoid one night stand disaster

10 things you never want to hear from a one-night stand

  • 1. “I hate to rush out the door but I have another date tonight.”
  • 2. “It’s nice having sex with someone you don’t inflate.”
  • 3. “I’d love to stay for breakfast but I’ve an appointment at the clinic at nine.”
  • 4. “No I’m from a big family, my four brothers and daddy are all in the marines, but they’re very protective of me…”
  • 5. “Do you mind if we hurry this up, my husband/wife is waiting in the car outside.”
  • 6. “No, that’s not a smoke detector on the ceiling, it’s a web cam.”
  • 7. “Is that it? What am I supposed to do with that?!”
  • 8. “That’ll be £200.”
  • 9. “The boiler’s broken at my place, I haven’t washed for days.”
  • 10. “Can we go back to yours? I don’t want to wake my parents.”

10 tips to escape a one night stand

1. Be Prepared. It may sound obvious, but have a plan of escape in place. The last thing you want is to wake up with a loved-up hairy whale the next morning and be in your own bed. If he/she knows where you live, there’s simply no escape. Short of moving.

2. No matter how drunk you get, remember it’s not actually necessary (or big and clever) to do a runner out of the restaurant’s (or more likely pub’s) toilet window. At best you’ll be pointed and laughed at when you get stuck and the cops are called, at worst you’ll snag something that’ll put an end to your one night stand adventures for good. Nasty.

3. A simple one this, but turn up late to the date. It gives you a distinct advantage to check out the goods beforehand and not even go there should you be faced with a monster. If it’s a goer, the old ‘a funny thing happened on the way here…’ line usually keeps things sweet.

4. Give a friend the heads up and either get him/her to tag along surreptitiously or set up a dummy phone call as a get out clause. Don’t answer if you’re enjoying yourself, but should the thought of another few hours in your date’s company have you gnawing your own arm off in distress, the exit door is open.

5. Have a story ready – a get out clause should things turn nasty or, worse, serious. Tried, tested and almost always 100 per cent successful lines include, ‘The wife/husband is expecting me’, or, for the really persistent, ‘I’ve got to pick the kids up from the detention centre’.

6. Though this should never happen, if you find yourself ‘back at his or hers’ but change your mind, start scratching your nethers. A lot. Nothing kills the mood quicker than the impression you’ve got something to offer other than a whole lotta lovin’.

7. Worst case scenario – you wake up at your place with the creature of your nightmares. Good tip – keep a picture of someone of the opposite sex but similar generic build to you by your bed, and when the inevitable ‘who’s that’ question arises (no man or woman is trusting enough not to ask), a simple ‘me before the operation’ retort will have you kicking back en seule in record time.

8. When scarpering the ‘scene of the crime’ never to return, leave no evidence of your shaggathon (such as a drunkenly-proffered phone number) behind. If your prize pants or knickers have been flung out of reach in a lust-induced act of bravado, leave them as a trophy – unless your name and number is sewn into the lining.

9. If you can, get out while your date’s still sleeping – it’s clean, easy and once you’re out that door you’re home free. And all the wiser for your next encounter.

10. Use one of the lines from ‘ten things you never want to hear from a one night stand’. Success guaranteed (probably).

10 ways for a man to get ready for and survive a one night stand

1. Keep it clean. Your body that is. Shower like an Olympian and make sure you scrub in all those tough to reach crevices, then repeat, because you never know what kind of sex-crazed deviant you may luck into.

2. Think dirty. There’s nothing wrong with a little ‘pre-game warm up’ if you know what we mean – you’ll last longer later and probably drool less during dinner. The oldest trick in the book.