Tip 3: Get closer by reading body language signals more effectively.
If you want to tell if someone is sexually interested in you whist you are flirting with them, but you are overwhelmed by the sheer number of body language signals coming your way, then you need to learn to focus your attention more on some of the most relevant signals. Try to concentrate on their behaviour carefully during their periods of laughter. Laughter is an easy signal to spot, but because it is ambiguous (after all, we laugh both at and with others, it can be both a very bonding and a very divisive signal), it tends to be accompanied by a number of other body language signals which can be highly revealing.
These other nonverbal signals that accompany laughter essentially disambiguate it. The signals are different for men and women. Women who are sexually interested in a man tend to have more open arm and open leg positions, during laughter, than those who are not sexually interested. Men who are sexually interested in a woman tend to show more head tilts and forward leaning, during laughter, than those who are not.
So the next time you are flirting with someone, focus in on their behaviours when they are laughing and look out for these particular features.
Tip 4: Get closer to a work colleague by cheering them up in 5 seconds
Say a work colleague has just done badly in an interview, and they are feeling very unhappy. What can you do to cheer them up and at the same time get closer to them? Our level of happiness is determined chiefly by how we make ‘attributions’, or momentary explanations, for negative events.
If your colleague thinks that the interview went badly because of –
Internal characteristics -‘It’s all down to me’
Stable characteristics - ‘I’m just not clever enough’
Global characteristics - There are loads of things I’m not very good at,’
Then they will feel particularly unhappy. The most effective single sentence that you can say to them is one that will challenge these basic spontaneous assumptions. Say something like ‘Nobody ever does well with that interview panel, they are well known for creating an intimidating atmosphere.’ Say this forcefully and with conviction. This is essentially an attribution that runs counter to their natural style of making attributions and may get them to change their own attribution slightly. A small change here is sometimes all that is required.
Tip 5: Get closer to your partner by learning to forgive and forget.
Say your partner has done something to you that you find hard to forgive, but you still want to make a go of it. What should you do? Get a blank sheet of paper and write about what happened, focusing on the positive aspects.
Specifically, write about the ways in which this event has led to positive consequences for you. Has your life become better as a result of it? Have you learned anything about yourself because of it? Have you become better at communicating your feelings because of it? Has it allowed for new life experiences? Have you discovered unknown strengths? Have you learned to stand up for yourself?
The secret in writing about it is to really let go and to be totally honest, but focus not just on the event itself but on the positive effects on your own life. Focusing on the positive benefits of the event in this way leads to more insights about the event and it allows you to forgive. Writing about the event in this particular way, focusing on the positive benefits for yourself can have a major impact on how you feel and therefore can protect you to some extent from further harmful effects in the future. Remember that all experiences change us and ask yourself how this particular experience has changed your life for the good.
Tip 6: Get your partner to be more intimate in a relationship.
You can get your partner to be more psychologically intimate with you by deliberately sending signals that unconsciously and subtly remind them of sex. People want to disclose more to another person, they want to be more cooperative in terms of how they deal with conflict within the relationship and they are more ready to think about intimacy when they have been unconsciously exposed to sexual stimuli.
If you want your partner to be more intimate, take them to an art gallery, the works of art naturally stimulate our aesthetic values, but there may well be more than a hint of sex in a few of them. Flick through some glossy magazines together and look at the adverts, some of them may well contain sexual signals that unconsciously provoke our imagination. Or simply wear an item of clothing that you had on the last time you had sex, it will remind them unconsciously of that last moment together and it may well result in the stimulation of certain parts of the brain and a consequent increase in the desire to make the relationship closer.
The reason that this works is that oxytocin is secreted during sex, and this not only produces highly rewarding sensations and emotions, but it also activates neural or brain pathways which mediate social bonding and attachment. Unconsciously stimulating memories of sex seems to do the same thing.
Tip 7: Get someone to like you without them even noticing
If you want someone to like you when they first meet you, use a hint of perfume so subtle that they are not consciously aware of the smell. If the perfume is very subtle it will produce a positive response in the other person which bypasses all conscious processing. If people become consciously aware of the smell (‘that’s a very nice perfume you are wearing’) the smell doesn’t seem to have the same kind of effect.
So before you meet someone for the first time, dab a very small amount of perfume on, ask a friend to smell it and say ‘Have I forgotten to put on my perfume?’ If they say yes, then you know that you are wearing exactly the right amount to have the most impact on the person that you are just about to meet. This perfume works as an olfactory ‘prime’ which affects our evaluation of another person. This works because of the very close connection between the olfactory system and the limbic region in the brain which is the area responsible for emotional processing.
Tip 8: Get closer by making yourself more attractive to the opposite sex.
Women can make themselves more attractive to men by wearing the colour red, but it is not necessarily about putting on a red dress or a red blouse, it should be much more subtle than that. Men rate pictures of women as more ‘attractive’ and ‘sexually desirable’ when the photos are presented briefly on a red as opposed to a white background. In other words, brief exposure to the colour red, below the level of consciousness, seems to influence judgements of attractiveness. This may he hard-wired in the brain because the colour red in female primates represents a clear sexual signal to attract a mate.
So if you want to make yourself more sexually desirable display the colour red but briefly and subtly – a red watch strap, red shoes, a red scarf – the more subtle the better. Interestingly, brief flashes of the colour red do not affect women’s perceptions of the attractiveness of other women and also do not affect whether men view the women in the pictures as more ‘likeable’, ‘kind’, or intelligent’. In other words, brief flashes of the colour red just seem to affect sexual interest rather than positive judgments more generally.
Tip 9: Get closer in a long term relationship by avoiding certain behaviours.
In order to have a happy and successful long-term relationship, you have to be on your guard against certain behaviours that can predict the end of any relationship namely criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling. If you want your relationship to succeed, you need to be less critical, much less defensive, you need to engage in less stonewalling and you must avoid the display of contempt at all costs.
The display of contempt in a relationship would seem to be especially destructive and an effective predictor of whether the relationship will last.
If you are the female, and you want to criticize your partner then you need to introduce the criticism relatively gently and to reassure him during the criticism. If you are the male, when your partner criticises you, you need to listen and understand what she is saying rather than refusing to listen or blocking it.
Both partners need to avoid displaying contempt at all costs. Research has shown that in a marriage the display of contempt by the male actually results in an increase in infectious illness by the female. Contempt doesn’t just finish off the marriage, it goes some way to finishing off the female partner as well.
Tip 10: Get closer to your partner by making you both feel better.
To feel closer to your partner make sure that you leave time at the end of the day to ask them how their day went. Couples who talk about the most positive experience that they have had that day report much improved mood state as a result. And it makes both the person doing the telling feel good and the person hearing the good news feel good. So make sure that you find time each day to hear the good things that have happened to your partner. This will help you both.
Femalefirst Taryn Davies