Human beings have a long, long history of taking time to collectively acknowledge and mark significant events. Funerals are certainly one such event and provide an opportunity to reflect, acknowledge any feelings of loss and grief and simultaneously give hope at a time when it is most needed. I became a funeral director because I believe that funerals are very important for most people, and I will endeavour to explain why.
When I think about funerals, I find it helpful to think of them in three parts. Firstly, there is the time between the death and the funeral, secondly there are the words spoken during a service, and thirdly there are the other choices that have been made (like coffins and flowers).
The time after the death and before the funeral is when the arrangements are being made. There are often a small number of people engaged in this process, with a wider network supporting more peripherally. If people are given the information and time that they need, then they will be able to take as much control as they want and create something which feels right for them. When someone dies, people often describe feeling like they have lost control and being enabled to regain some during this time can be very helpful.
If the person who has died has expressed their funeral wishes, then this is often hugely reassuring and being able to fulfil those wishes is of paramount importance.
Similarly, many describe that being also to perform some tasks or participate before the funeral was very meaningful and has allowed them to create some positive memories during an otherwise challenging time. Spending time with the person who has died, choosing photographs or clothes, preparing a written service sheet, deciding on flowers or table decorations can all feel like important acts of love, gifted to the person who has died.
For people who have a faith there are often important funeral rituals to be adhered to and these can provide structure, familiarity and great comfort. Similarly, people may have other personal, family or group rituals that are meaningful and can be included alongside, or instead of, belief-based practices. Identifying and engaging in any rituals can be helpful and reassuring for many people and the funeral provides the perfect opportunity for this to take place.
The funeral service itself, allows people to reflect on the life of the person who has died, and it creates a space for people to acknowledge the loss and express emotion, celebrate a life or do a combination of the two. The process of agreeing the words that will be spoken leads to a shared understanding of how the life and loss might be articulated and for many people contribution to, or delivery of, the eulogy is a very meaningful part of the funeral.
Other aspects of the funeral can be personalised and contribute to the day being memorable and something that will be remembered positively and fondly. For example, a Morris Minor hearse might be chosen for a classic car lover, favourite flowers woven into a wicker coffin, vegetables included in a flower arrangement for someone who loved their allotment, or a much-loved bicycle placed beside the coffin during the service.
Being invited to participate can be a huge privilege and an acknowledgement of the importance of the relationship with the person who has died. People have told me that being asked to carry the coffin, contribute some memories for the written service sheet, bake a cake for the refreshments or provide table decorations to personalise the venue were huge privileges. Again, these opportunities are created within the construct of a good funeral.
The time after the funeral can often be the opportunity for people to show their support and acknowledge the significance of the life of the person who has died. Sharing memories and hearing stories (old and new) can be a very special time for some people, enabling them start to develop a different, but often equally strong, bond with the person who has died.
A good funeral is one where people have been able to create an event which truly reflects the person who has died and is helpful to those attending. Inevitably there will be differing perspective about certain aspects of the funeral, but it is usually still possible to ensure that key people are able to find some meaning and be able to engage in a way which helps them.
Feeling in control, not being rushed, having the opportunity to participate and create something personal do not need to be expensive but can add huge value and I believe that a good funeral can therefore support people to have a healthier grief process and find the incredible resilience that is inside us all.
