I recently began talking openly about my experience of childhood sexual abuse. It was a hard topic to begin discussing and I have been totally overwhelmed with the response from so many.
The most interesting and quite scary part is the impact it has on so many people for their lives. This doesn’t just affect the person directly but also those around them. When I look back over my life since it happened when I was 13 I have acted in certain ways. Ways I couldn’t explain but now I am finally addressing these issues I am able to see the impact it had on me and my behaviours. I am not saying this is an excuse for how I acted and I am taking responsibility for it but I want to explain it so others can understand. By realising this it also allows me to change my destiny and take back that power and self-worth, and will allow me to stop beating myself up for what has happened.
So here goes…
I find it hard to be treated like a special person
When I write this it sounds silly what individual doesn’t like to be treated. And the fact is I love to be treated but I just find it so hard. There have been times in my life (a lot of them) where I have got overwhelmed with these feelings and it meant my guard shot back up. It isn’t that I don’t want to feel special I just needed to be reminded sometimes that it’s okay to be treated. Also for me, I need to know why someone wants to treat me. In the past I was treated because someone wanted something but now this isn’t the case people treat you because they love you, but sometimes please remind us this!
I get angry at times, but my anger isn't aimed at you
This is something that has happened a lot over the last year. I was angry at the justice system, angry at my abuser, I was angry that I didn’t feel able to express myself (and also felt guilty for feeling angry; an emotion we are often told not to have), but because I couldn’t show that anger I took it out on those closest to me. Sometimes this happens, and when it does, it is about accepting that however hard that feels (if you are the person getting angry do try and explain it; I used to always try and apologise after). What I wanted was to just be held, maybe taken for a walk and given the chance to vent; to find a way to express myself in a healthy way. (I am actually planning to go boxing this week to get that anger out.)
I am terrified of everyone leaving, so sometimes I self-destruct or self-sabotage
This is the frustrating thing with abuse is this complete lack of understanding of power, me hurting and then feeling terrified that someone will find out something and just leave. I spent so long feeling so disgusted about what happened to me, and still let it control me. I let the words he said, that guilt everything controls me so much so that I am waiting for people to leave. The fact is, I was hurt so badly through the abuse, and this year with the justice system all those wounds that I never tackled were re-opened. This meant I was just hurting so much and was so scared of people leaving. So I destruct. A rather frustrating self-fulfilling prophecy. Sometimes I need that reminder that someone is going anywhere however much I push them away. It is hard for that person who is being pushed but know that it does get better. I am living proof of that.
I act in ways to try and own my sexuality
Being sexualised at the aged of 13 in a really unsafe way has left so many scars. So to try and make me feel okay with it I find ways to feel power and to own it. But ironically I lose that power through the way I act. This was something that dominated my teens I would go out all the time underage drinking, spend nights with men (normally older), as a way to see if I felt anything. As a way to own who I was and to feel in control. But I didn’t feel in control instead it just opened more pain. What I should have done (which I do now) is have therapy to own myself and my self-worth.
When it all gets too much for me, I shut down and my guard goes up
When we put our guard up we aren’t trying to hurt you but protect you. We shut down our emotion to try and manage it because that’s all we know. I got told by my abuser that I couldn’t talk about this to anyone, and so that emotion gets so disjointed and sometimes we are so scared of being hurt and really afraid that shutting down seems the only solution. This was me this year, I shut down as a way to protect myself and everyone else. I never meant to hurt anyone around me but because I shut down it impacted others. If you are being shut out, please be patient, ask questions to try and understand this and reassure that individual that you are there.
I don't know how to be loved in a healthy way
Another long term outcome is not really knowing what a healthy relationship is or how to be loved. Then when I get something amazing I self-destruct. The main thing for me now is being aware of all this and realising why I act in certain ways.
I wish I had found a way to talk about it before now, before I lost people. I have realised so so much the last couple of months in my therapy. I have explored my behaviours and the way I am. It all makes sense. For so long I was trying to own my sexuality which led me to act in certain ways when I was teen. Then reopening the case brought this all back to the surface. All that pain, hate, hurt, shame and disgust at myself. Therapy helps me deal with this all and helps me free myself from what has happened. It will also equip me and those around me to understand why I might act in certain ways enabling that line of communication with others.
What I want to leave you with is this...
Communication through all of this is key! Some people won’t be able to support you through this and this is not your fault, but what I would say is talk, communicate and try your best to explain things.
If you are supporting someone through this be patient, be supportive, keep talking and share your worries. If you feel rejected or unloved because of their actions, try and talk. Make them feel wanted and loved unconditionally. We act in ways thinking we are protecting our love ones from these things so be aware of that.
Top Tip: Find your way to communicate whether it is through writing or talking with your eyes shut whatever it is. Find it, and know that it is okay.