How do you feel to be going back in?
Absolutely dreading it because I know how bad it is. Sleep deprivation, no food, ghastly people in there. I’m the only person who’s been in the Big Brother house who just wants to get out and I’m doing exactly the same here. I’m determined to be the first evicted and known as the Ultimate Big Brother tosser.
So why are you putting yourself through it then?
Only entirely for the money. I tried to bargain it up but I need the money. You can’t walk out and get paid. The only way to do it is antagonise the housemates which I’m going to do and the public hate me already. I’ve been voted the second most unpopular person in the country after Simon Cowell so there’s no way I will be kept in. Housemates won’t stand for me. My plan is far greater than anything Big Brother can do.
What if Big Brother decides they want to make you suffer?
There’s no chance, no chance. The public decide. I was virtually first out in my year and the plan was exactly the same then. I was unlucky that they parachuted in Jackie Stallone. I couldn’t stand the whole stay, I couldn’t do it. After 12 days last time I was nearly at the end then. It’s horrible in there.
But you are a Big Brother fan though?
Oh I love it, I love the mental challenge of Big Brother. 15 people have walked in it’s history, and imagine the hopes and dreams they had when they went in about how they’d make the public love them and they’d be employed for the rest of their lives and be superstars, and in the end they cracked. And it was a triumph for Big Brother. Every time somebody cries in the diary room, and virtually everyone of them has done it, it’s a triumph for Big Brother. Bruv is in charge.
What housemates from the past do you like that you might enjoy the company of?
I’m looking forward to Josie. Josie has been absolutely amazing in the house. For the first time on reality television it was the girl chasing the guy, panting and eager desperate to please. She’s so insecure the poor girl. And yet she’s a smashing girl. This is where the Big Brother audience is so good they go for decent people. Nobody who is a nasty piece of work gets anywhere. That’s why I’ll be voted out.
Josie has touched the nations hearts as she’s a girl full of insecurities and self degradation the way she runs herself down, and she thinks that that John James loves her which of course he doesn’t. I’ll be telling her in the house, there’s two reasons he’s after you dear, for one why we call you Bristols and the £100,000. So I’ll be telling her to make sure he doesn’t get a hold of any of that.
She’s a lovely, lovely girl she makes me laugh, and she spoke up for me in the pantomime horse task. Good old Josie speaking up for me then. She’s the nation’s favourite.
Unique I think in reality TV history is a girl lusting after a man so much, so badly, wanting it so much. She’s very much like my wife The Booby, she would do anything for John James absolutely anything, and so would the Booby with me. I think Josie is The Booby mark 2.
Who would you not want to see in the house with you?
David. Religious people like him. He said last November God told him he was going into the Big Brother house. First question I’d put to him is ‘how can he, God, with 7 billion people to listen to and all their problems, all their woes and he’s worried that you are going to go in the Big Brother house? Are you being real or are you not?’ It’s a fairy story! I’m disappointed he survived so long.
What about past contestants that you wouldn’t want to see?
Caprice would be absolutely awful to go in. Brigitte Neilson from my year I wouldn’t mind if she went in. I called her the meringue because she was so in love with herself she was practically eating herself every day. The bossy women, I don’t want bossy, domineering, intelligent women in there, none of those. Vanessa if she goes in there that will be really awful having to put up with her. She threw water over me on The Wright Stuff. Women can’t argue with me they get so infuriated they just throw things over me.
Who do you think is the Ultimate Big Brother housemate?
People like Nikki Graeme, although if she’s in as well I’ll tell her don’t mess around with me. I’m not putting up with her bloody nonsense. Makosi was good fun.
Tagged in Big Brother