R: Oh, listen to that voice, it's all perky and I need a Kleenex! Can somebody get me a tissue? Hah can you believe it, I'm sitting here suffering and these people from Lemsip Max won't even get me a tissue!

T: Women are stealing everything from men at the moment. Why do you want to steal everything from us, you're stealing politics and fashion and now you want to steal man flu and reclaiming it as girly flu.

R: Ok, so I'll cut you a deal, we'll take the jobs and you can sit at hoe covered in your own mucus. There's my deal for you.

T: There's got to be a halfway house...

R: Did you never realise that women are ill also? Did you never think that when we're leaving the house, like I have this morning because my husband's too lazy to make a living, that we may be a little bit ill?

T: Well a little bit.

R: A little bit? Look at me. Look at what is coming out of my nose.

So what is the research all about?

T: Well it's basically a third of men have discovered by living with the women around them that they've taken over girly flu and are using our own tactics against us. Like saying "Oh I'm too ill to go out." But when their friends come round they're suddenly fine again.

R: It's like the male is too ill to do the housework but then he can manage to go down the pub to get a pint. It's a miracle. It's like Jesus lifting off and walking across the desert. He cant' answer the phone but he can play on his little - what's that thing called where you twiddle your thumbs around on that thing?

T: Oh, a games console?! I wondered where you were going with that one. What we're basically saying is it's not fair, you stealing our one make thing where we can lie there and suffer.

R: It's such self indulgence. "I can't get up! Get me the remote control! Please lower the lid of the toilet!" Like you've ever done that.

T: The hinge works both ways, you can lift it up yourself as well. It's not difficult.

R: Why would we want to lift it up to put our heads in it and kill ourselves by banging ourselves with the lid. That would be the only reason - there's nothing more naueseating than a man who's got the flu. Nothing is more grotesque. There must be research into why divorce happens, like when you move house and when you see a man who's got the flu.

T: You're picking on me! Why would you want to steal this from us and claim it as your own?

R: Do you see what we're talking about here? We're talking about a cold.

T: Oh we're talking about the flu here, it's very different. I mean, would it kill you when you're doing the shopping to buy tissues with nice soft balm on them? It wouldn't kill you.

R: Buy your own tissues! We're the woman, we hate you. You don't deserve the flu. Flus are going to go right over you now because even the viruses are grossed out by you.

Does that mean you get free Lemsip? Seems like you might need some!

R: I get free Lemsip - that's why I'm doing this gig!

T: That's the only reason she's in today.

R: Yeah but I think it was a fake one because I took it and nothing is happening. No no, that's a lie. But I do think they're giving me fake ones so I stick around.

Female First- Caz Moss

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