Lisa Snowdon feared she didn't "deserve" to have a baby after having a termination in her late 20s.
Lisa Snowdon had a termination in her 20s
The 51-year-old model admitted she put herself through "torture" about the fact she didn't go on to have children, even though she doesn't regret her decision not to go ahead with the pregnancy as she wasn't with the right partner.
She told the Daily Mail newspaper: "I'd think, 'Was that my chance and it's gone? Is this my punishment? Maybe I don't deserve to be a mother because I did that.'
"You do kind of put yourself through a bit of torture. I think we women have the capability to do that often to ourselves. We just try and add salt to the wound if we're feeling s*****.
"We're like, 'What else can I do in order to make myself feel even worse?' To blame ourselves and feel shame.
"I stand by the fact that it [the termination] was the right decision because I've always thought that if I'm going to have a family, I want a supportive partner — who's loving, who's there — and I was with a man who wasn't the right man to have in my life. He'd let me down, hugely, wasn't even there for the first doctor's appointment.
"If I'd had the baby, I'd have been connected to that man for the rest of my life."
The brunette can't help but think what her child would be like now if she'd gone through with the pregnancy.
She added: "But every now and then I'd think, 'Gosh he or she would be this or that age now'. You never forget."
During her 30s, Lisa wasn't looking to have a baby because she hadn't found the right man but was shocked to conceive when she was 41, and even though she was dating another "unsuitable" partner who she didn't see a future with, she was ready to have the child.
She said: "This time, even though the relationship wasn't perfect, I saw it as a sign from the universe — maybe from God — that I had been forgiven and I was finally going to have a baby. I was going to be a mum.
"I am not religious, but it was hard not to feel blessed at that moment, given the odds."
Tragically, Lisa - who is now in a relationship with George Smart - began to bleed just before she went on air for her LBC radio show and a scan confirmed she had miscarried.
She recalled: "I rushed to the bathroom, full of panic at seeing all that blood. I didn't know what to do. We'd only just gone on air, and I knew I had to keep working.
"I dug deep and tried to park the dread I felt in the pit of my stomach, praying that my baby would be OK. As soon as the show was finished and we were off air, I rushed to hospital and my worst fears were confirmed — the scan showed the heartbeat had stopped. My baby had died.
"To say I was devastated is an understatement; I was heartbroken, inconsolable."
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