Lena Dunham was left "broken" by her break-up with Jack Antonoff.
Lena Dunham
The 'Girls' creator and the 34-year-old musician went their separate ways in December last year after five years together, and whilst the decision to end their relationship was a mutual one, Lena has admitted the "finality" of their break-up conversation "nearly killed" her.
In an emotional essay about her love life which was penned for Vogue magazine, Lena wrote: "It was December when we broke up, that kind of confusing weather where glaring sunlight makes the cold air feel even colder. We sat in our shared kitchen of nearly four years and quietly faced each other, acknowledging what nobody wanted to say. That obsessive connection had turned to blind devotion, and the blinders were coming off to reveal that we had evolved separately (the least shocking reason of all and perhaps the most common). That anger wasn't sexy or sustainable. That our hearts were still broken from trying so hard to fix it but no longer uncertain about whether or not we could. The finality nearly killed me, and I remember muttering, 'But what if we still went on dates?' He laughed sadly. 'Whatever you want.'"
Lena, 31, also admitted she struggled to adjust to single life following their split, as she realised she hadn't been alone for many years.
She wrote: "So how do you get back your taste for solo life, overcome the fear of your own thoughts? Even when my partner was away for work, the house had always been full with his presence - a wayward red sock, a pile of used earplugs. A Batman watch bought on eBay but never worn.
"Finally, four months after the end, I found myself spending a weekend in the country, and I stepped outside and away from my companions, onto a gravel path, and in the dimming pink of the sunset I began along my way. It was simple - one foot in front of the other, hands swinging at my sides - but I thought, rather dramatically, I will remember this moment all my life. I had not, for once, succumbed to the numbing effect that sleep can have on the grieving. I had not demanded that my entire family join me in the TV room to rewatch a sitcom. I had made the choice to face the world - trees, sky, even a rude, shoe-thieving neighborhood dog named Rico - on my own, with the power and presence of someone who can tolerate herself."
But despite her best efforts, Lena noted she's still "aching" in the wake of her split.
She concluded in her essay: "Friends called and I started to feel like I could pick up without worrying about the hitch in my chest the moment they asked, 'How are you feeling about it all?' I had some answers now that they might actually buy, that sounded healthy and self-assured and like the woman of extreme independence I wanted to become again. 'I'm good, just chugging along.' But if I were being honest I'd answer them by saying that my heart could still ache for one home as I returned to myself in another."
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