Kerry Katona will "never forgive" herself for exposing her kids to her abusive relationship with George Kay.
Kerry Katona with late husband George Kay in happier times
The 42-year-old star - who has children Molly, 21, Lilly-Sue, 19, with first husband Brian McFadden, Heidi, 15, and Max, 14, with second spouse Mark Croft and Dylan Jorge, eight, with George - was married to third husband George from 2014 until two years before he died in 2019 from an accidental drugs overdose at the age of 39.
Kerry admits she sometimes finds it hard to process the love she has for their daughter Dylan Jorge, and the fear she experienced when she lived with the former rugby league player.
She said: "The fear from George was so severe. Lilly and Molly would come home from school and I'd send them upstairs. I'll never forgive myself for that. The kids never witnessed anything but they knew what was going on. It's not about blame, it's a fear. It's so difficult. My mum said she was waiting for the police to knock on the door to say he had killed me. And what I struggled with is George is dead and I have his little girl."
The former Atomic Kitten singer - who is now engaged to fitness instructor Ryan Mahoney - regrets staying in the relationship for so long because of the impact it had on her children and now feels "guilty" that her youngest doesn't have a dad, even though she was not responsible for him overdosing on cocaine.
Speaking on UK TV show 'Loose Women', she said: "This isn't about badmouthing anyone because we all know how many times the police were called to my house and I remember one time George was covering up my bruises and my mum looked and asked where they were from. I said, 'Oh, we've been having rough sex, mum.' He knew that she knew. Molly gave me a look of pure weakness and I thought 'What am I teaching my kids?'
"It's such a shame that I held onto it for so long because I feel like I let my kids down because I know they're messed up as well because of it. As a mother, it is your job to protect your children. And he's not here. Lily and Molly can go to Brian any time they want. Max and Heidi, they've got that choice with Mark, even though they've not seen him in years. DJ's not got that choice and I feel guilty because of that."
However, Kerry - who has claimed to have made more than £1 million selling racy pictures on OnlyFans - explained that she "wouldn't change" her tumultuous past because it has made her who she is today.
She said: "On my kids' lives, I wouldn't change any of it. I wouldn't change the abuse, I wouldn't change the drink or the bankruptcy or the foster homes or anything because I am where I am supposed to be today. It's made me who I am and you can't live with regret because you become a very bitter person. I was blaming my mum, my accountant, it was Brian, it was Mark. I've got to take some kind of responsibility."
Meanwhile, Kerry revealed that she has frozen her eggs if her fiancé Ryan decides he wants to have children in the future but explained she would "never" carry a child herself again and would opt for a surrogate.
She added: "My other half is eight years younger than me. I can still pull them! He's eight years younger than me and he has no children of his own. Me and the kids are enough for him and he is happy with that but I also don't want to rob him of that option. So getting my eggs frozen, things might change in the future. I'm 42, I've not got that much time left. There might not be that many eggs left anyway. Boiled, scrambled, fried. I don't know! But I think getting them frozen and having that option there - I'd never carry a child again. I nearly died with DJ and DJ did die - she's alive now. I think that is my body saying 'Enough is enough!' but the option of having a surrogate - it's there."
Tagged in Brian McFadden Kerry Katona Mark Croft