Hayley Williams "didn't laugh for a long time" during battle with poor mental health.
Hayley Williams
The 29-year-old Paramore frontwoman has revealed she suffered with her mental health in 2015 after have recently married Chad Gilbert - whom she split with last year - just months after they had temporarily ended their engagement, and losing bass guitarist Jeremy Davis after he left the band.
In an essay penned for Paper magazine, Hayley admitted she struggled to eat, sleep, and laugh during that time in her life, although she is still "hesitant" to label the battle as "depression".
She wrote: "Imagine a little girl, dancing and twirling on a sidewalk in a loud, colorful dress. Eyes closed, laughing. 100 feet above her, someone's pushing a piano (just go with me, here) out of their apartment window and it's got nowhere to go but straight down. Well, I was the little girl.
"I woke up from that crash with one less bandmate... another fight about money and who wrote what songs. And I had a wedding ring on, despite breaking off the engagement only months before. A lot happened within a short time. But then I didn't eat, I didn't sleep, I didn't laugh... for a long time. I'm still hesitant to call it depression. Psychology is interesting. Depression is torment. (sic)"
The 'Misery Business' hitmaker admits writing was her outlet during her struggle, and says it helped "keep her alive", as well as make her realise she "shouldn't have ever married" Chad after their split.
She added: "But writing kept me alive. Forced me to be honest. Made me have empathy for Taylor in his struggles with mental health. It helped me understand that emotional wellness and physical health are actually related. It helped me realize that I shouldn't have ever married my ex and that love is not something we can just extract from one other."
Hayley closed her letter by admitted she was "afraid" to pen the document at first, but admits it did end up helping "a little bit".
She concluded: "But here's the thing: one hour ago I was afraid to write this for fear it wouldn't be 'enough.' All I could do was write about something I care about. Expression is survival. You can do it however you please. Write, draw, create something with your hands. Tell somebody you love them. Take a drive, roll down your windows and yell something like, 'MY LIFE IS SO S**T RIGHT NOW!' Or, 'WHAT DO YOU KNOW? I'M ACTUALLY FINE TODAY!'
"These are just things to try if the crying and dancing doesn't work.
"And so you can't say that my essay didn't help a little bit... and then I won't tell myself I'm worthless. (sic)"
Tagged in Hayley Williams