Amanda Holden still speaks to her stillborn son.
Amanda Holden
The 'Britain's Got Talent' judge tragically lost her baby Theo seven months into the pregnancy in 2011 and has admitted, although it took her a while to get her head around his passing, she now has little conversations with him in her head.
Speaking to the Daily Mirror newspaper, she said: "Theo is always here.
"I dream about him and sometimes I speak to him. Lots of moments, symbols, make me think of Theo and connect me to him. But I don't speak about them because I don't want the magic to go. It's weird... It almost feels as if he was never meant to be here. That's how I've got my head round it.
"I feel honoured to be the person that carried him that far on his journey. I think perhaps he chose me because I was strong enough to handle it. He just didn't need to continue his journey here. I think about him every day. And I look at Theo's photograph. I keep it in another box with our marriage certificate and the children's birth certificates as he's still a part of our family."
The 41-year-old actress initially blamed herself for Theo's passing, but a post-mortem carried out found no cause for his death - his heart just stopped beating.
She explained: "Was it mercury in my fillings, something in the water, something I ate, the way I slept? ... There was a tiny dent in one of the three arteries in the umbilical chord which could have cut his blood supply. It could never have been spotted. They couldn't have saved him."
Amanda gave birth to Theo via a C-Section but she was "terrified" of holding him because she was scared of what he may look like.
She said: "I wanted to be awake so I had an epidural. But I was absolutely terrified of holding him. I couldn't bear the thought of holding a dead baby. I was scared what he'd look like. But the minute he came out, Jackie took him and said 'He's beautiful'. So I said: 'Give him to me. I'm his mummy'.
"He had the most incredible eyebrows. And lots of thick dark hair. He was nearly 3lbs, so perfectly viable, and his little face and body were perfect."
Amanda also has Lexi, 12, and Hollie, six, with her husband Chris Hughes.
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