by Robert Eddison
Wisdom and Wordplay
In the Sudan, a woman gets thirty lashes if she is caught wearing trousers. Isis is STILL using kidnapped and groomed girls as sex slaves. In Britain – yes, Britain – thousands of young women currently remain in secret domestic and sexual servitude, with hundreds more still subjected to genital mutilation and forced marriage.
As a man, I am utterly appalled at the seemingly endless road that women still have to travel before they can claim true equality with men. Yes, Saudi women will soon be allowed to drive cars, not camels. Yes, the British government has promised to “do something” about domestic servitude and also, now that you mention it, about the rape pandemic. Thank God for Female First and likeminded oases of enlightenment in this rights-starved desert of male dominance.
Here are 24 fun aphorisms that celebrate women, in all their glory:
- It’s high time that Ladies First didn’t just apply to hotel doors
- Babies are the only strangers we live with from day one
- If men gave birth, they would know the meaning of stamina
- The first Minister for Peace should be a woman
- No ageing actress wants to be seen in a good light
- Rich women needn’t trade on their looks to sit pretty
- Beauty is in the eye of the make-up artist
- More boardroom equality would help fill its corporate intuition deficit
- If men are threatened by clever women, women are inspired by clever men
- The older a mature woman’s skin, the more comfortable she feels in it
- Dressing in a skirt shouldn’t stop you wearing the trousers
- In a well-cleaned home, no job bites the dust
- Men get needled when found knitting
- Beware the surgeon who asks for your hand
- Enjoy watching him propose to you on his knees; he won’t stay there for long
- Wash your net curtains too often and you could forfeit your privacy
- Get more me-time by turning your husband into a house-husband
- Never use the stick without a nearby carrot to butter him up
- If you don’t apologise first, you’ll be waiting forever
- Don’t just cook him what he wants; cook him what he needs and avoid having to let out his trousers
- If you’re thinking of a pre-nuptial agreement, don’t marry him
- Make sure you know the ropes before tying the knot
- Hit fifty and it’s time to put a weaker bulb into your bedside lamp
- If he’s hungry for your body, serve it up course by course
Robert Eddison is a national journalist, a playwright, and the author of the bestselling book Wisdom & Wordplay: 300 Original One-Liners to Enrich Your Day. For more information, visit www.roberteddison.com