I became a stepmum to three children and not having any children of my own, it was a super swift learning curve! Throw in the mix, I trained and qualified as a counsellor and have done and still do, counsel the various members of a blended family. I have over 10 years both as a step parent and counsellor which enables my expertise in this area to be shared with you.
When Families End and Blend
I totally recognise the challenges a family brings when it is a ‘nuclear’ family and I am sure you could use some of these tips too – they are open to everyone.
If I could have had 5 tips before becoming a step-parent these would definitely be my top 5.
1) Pause: I cannot reiterate this enough. Whether it’s due to accommodation, finances or simply keenness to spend more time with your new partner. Do. Not. Rush. In.
Whilst on the surface it may make sense to join two incomes etc. together for example, use this ‘pausing’ time to take a ‘birds eye view’ of your two families.
For the children involved, they may well be playing ‘catch-up’. It could be getting used to the idea that their parents have separated or indeed now have a new partner. Look at the year ahead as well during your ‘pausing’ time. Do you have traditions or expectations at certain times of the year i.e. Christmas?
If possible, try to look the how the blended family might look from all parties in both of your soon-to-be blended families.
2) Communication: We can all too easily forget to communicate to the children what is happening or of the upcoming potential changes. However, whilst children do not need to know the finer details, keeping them in dark will not be helpful to anyone.
There are two parts to communication. One is what are you communicating and two, is how to communicate.
The first part is to be clear about what you are sharing with the children involved. Adults tend to pad out what they are saying, where as children do prefer facts – fact!
Secondly, how you communicate may differ from child to child. One may prefer to talk when out walking the dog with you. The other could prefer text, so that they have time to process, what you are saying and either or all, many not necessarily want to be told by both you and their soon to be step-parent.
3) Listen: Yes, I have just talked about communication, but this is the other side to it. There’s that great saying never to assume…. We might think we have heard what someone has said, but that is very, very different to what they may have actually said.
Listen. Listen to what the children are saying (or not saying). Listening also includes noticing their behaviour. We can too quickly write off their behaviour ‘due to their age’ or a friend says their child is quiet and moody too. In this instance it is not helpful to group other people’s children with yours.
If a child is being quiet, or choosing to eat their food in their room now, talk to them. Go back to point 2 and give them the tools to be able to communicate to what is going on for them. You may have to try different ways to communication, but I would always strongly say, even though they may say that they don’t want to talk about, be gentle, reassuring and supportive. Encourage them that they can say whatever is going on in their heads. (I appreciate you may not want to hear that which leads nicely to point 4).
4) Network: I appreciate you may want your new blended family to be like the Waltons © however like all families, there will be challenging times. People can fall over at this hurdle due to pride, or indeed feeling like a failure – to which you are not a failure.
Set up a Whatsapp © group. If you’re not on it, get on it - for this one group.
We all have friends with varying skills; the “you can cry on my shoulder friend”, the one that certainly doesn’t want to cry but is “the fixer who can knock up a spag bol before you’ve said yes or collected the dry cleaning for you”. Not forgetting “the I’ve got a bottle of wine, I’m on my way round friend’ who will help bring some laughter into what has been a difficult day.
Let each friend know their “responsibility”. (Make sure your wine friend knows the one you like. (They wouldn’t be my friend for long if they turned up with a bottle of Shiraz – just saying)!
Use the group to rant, vent or do whatever you need to do, when times are tough or when you need some “you-time”.
5) Being interdependent: You nervously and excitedly start to blend into your family, only too quickly and indeed forget who you are in the process. You may cancel yoga, or your Saturday morning catch-up coffee, because yes, it is all ‘shiny and new’.
Do. Not. Do. This. If anything, give this responsibility to one of your friends to ensure you don’t lose you in the process. It’s easier to keep doing what you have been doing, as opposed to you potentially “resent” your blended family for you not having any “you-time” in the future! To be fair, this applies to new relationships too.
Keep this check list in your bag or take a photo of it on your phone. Set a daily reminder to read through the list and to help see how you are doing. To be armed is to be forewarned.
You will be brilliant in your new role, but like everything, we are all novices in the beginning.
Instagram @yourspacetoday
RELATED: Seven tips for parents of multiples by Leonie Huie
When your children sleep you must try to sleep too. Sleep deprivation in the first few months of pregnancy can have a negative affect on our health and wellbeing. Everyone needs a decent amount of sleep to be able to function but that is non-existent with multiples. Avoid trying to tidy up, prepare feeds, cook dinner etc whilst babies are asleep. I felt like I had to try to cram all the jobs in while they were asleep when I was a new parent and felt the consequences and had to learn the hard way. Sleep whenever you get the chance to and you’ll feel much better for it... to read more click HERE
