I was 21 when I had an incident at an overcrowded train station in London. Before this, I had never been a big fan of crowded places, although after the incident I became terrified of them. For years I didn’t travel on a train or venture into London. I was consumed by the fear.
Unfamiliar Underground
In my first year at university one of the modules we were given asked us to photograph London, but to take a different approach, see something different. At that point, the only thing I could think about was how to get past the fear of travelling into the city, let alone photograph it. For weeks I was stuck. Eventually, and I don’t know how, I made a short trip from university in Ealing into central London. Camera in hand, I just took photos. I wasn’t concentrating so much on the subject as I was the overwhelming anxiety of being somewhere I was frightened of. I did the best I could, hoping I would have some material my tutor would like. I was lucky because I had stumbled upon something – 2013 was the 150th anniversary of the tube. From that first, brief trip I had some photos of empty platforms and staircases. I focused my project on these and handed in 12 final photographs. I was proud of myself. I could relax as I didn’t have to do it again.
However, a couple of years later and lots of time on my hands, I wanted to continue a photographic project. Little did I realise that I was about to start something that became a love/hate relationship with photography and London. The London Underground is beautiful. It was the first subterranean railway in the world. I started out by wanting to photograph the old stations, the ones with history and style. Because of the anxiety of being in crowded places and on trains, I took my time and went in very early in the morning at weekends. In some ways I loved the challenge of capturing an empty station – they are amazing when empty, no distractions from the architecture and engineering. But I always had this shadow over me that would render me in a full blown panic attack at times. My friends and family have had many phone calls with me in tears, not knowing how I can get home because I can’t physically get onto a train. But I never gave up, even in those darkest moments.
Eventually, I decided to not do this project by halves, and go feet first in the hope of capturing all 270 stations empty. It was a mammoth task and I felt silly attempting it even. But nothing worth doing is going to be easy. I wanted to face my fear and give myself a challenge. I knew it was going to be tough, but the joy in getting home and looking at the photographs was worth it. For me, it was all about the image and the art of photography.
This project became not only a collection of photographs, but also a very personal journey battling anxiety and fear. I wouldn’t say I have won the battle, I still have an overwhelming fear of crowded spaces, but I have never given up. And I never will.