As I write this, I am faced with the unthinkable: I have to kill someone. I don’t want to do it, but my hand has been forced. Someone must die, and probably for no greater crime than loving another.
Tracy St. John
I’m talking about a fictional character here. I hope that is obvious. So, no horrific loss. There is no reason to call the police on me. Everything is just fine.
Though there will be no real bloodshed, I find pretend people are hard to murder when you’ve grown attached to them. I’ve killed many times, in many books, and it never gets any easier. I suppose I should be glad my overactive conscience remains intact, but it would be nice to grow a little jaded about the matter. The sense of dread when I approach a life-ending scene hurts in a very real sense. I grieve in all sincerity when it happens.
It must seem strange to hear a romance writer talk death, but my stories take place in a science fiction setting full of turmoil. In Alien Salvation, the fourth book in my Clans of Kalquor series, the death of a beloved character is par for the course in a universe of struggle between two species, Earther and Kalquorian…two species that love each other sometimes as violently as they fight.
Even minor characters can make themselves grief-worthy. I’ve had people who appeared only for a few pages, characters I’ve killed off before I’ve truly gotten to know them. Yet somehow, I got too close to them, close enough that losing them has inspired an ache in my chest. It’s no fluke that a seemingly arbitrary character has set off emotion either; my readers have told me they were greatly affected by these same instances. Some have begged that the loved ones of the deceased be granted their own stories, so that they might find a true love to heal their grief.
It’s tough to kill those I love. The characters I write are just as alive to me as my family and friends. Yet I find love is made more poignant by the inevitability of death in the tumultuous universe in which my characters move. When circumstances dictate that the end of life could occur at any time, the people involved are more intent in their passion and love. They take nothing for granted. Their love is as fierce as the cosmos they inhabit.
It’s still hard to send them to their doom, even though I’m never truly given a choice in the matter. The story and even the characters themselves insist upon it. I often curse these tales that insist on having their way. I know better than to fight what must be, but it’s so hard to give in to the inevitable sometimes. The worst part of it all is that I’m the writer. I should be in control of this ride...right? Unfortunately, that’s never how it works. If I assert my will and go against what the story wants, I end up with a pile of refuse. I can write well and have hearts broken, or I can write something else, save us all from tears, and have the story broken. There is no middle ground, no compromise that will keep it from being one or the other. When the story dictates it, there must be sorrow.
When all is revealed and you learn who has passed on, remember I am sitting next to you at the funeral. I’m crying too. Yes, I am the one who killed that character. Their blood is on my hands. However, I am only the instrument of their destiny, one which vicious Fate wielded with no mercy.
Trust me when I say that the killer laments too.
Alien Salvation: https://www.totallybound.com/book/alien-salvation
Tracy St. John Bio
Tracy St. John lives in coastal Georgia with her husband and son. You'll often find her haunting train museums with her locomotive-loving son. Besides writing, she also works in video production both in front of and behind the camera. She's usually cast as the gun-toting bad gal, getting handcuffed in the end. She has no complaints.
Links:
Website: https://www.tracystjohn.com/
Blog: http://tracystjohn.blogspot.com/
Twitter: https://twitter.com/TracySaintJohn