Author Candice Derman has this week released her inspiring, important and harrowing memoir of sexual abuse, Indescribable. Following on from her publication day, she's also written up an exclusive piece for Female First, detailing 10 facts about her life that she'd like readers to know about her.
Candice Derman writes for Female First
I love the beginning of a moment
The first sip of a latte, the start of dinner, the beginning of a TV series. I always feel a little pull in my heart when a moment is over, a hint of sadness that it’s slipped away and that time has moved on.
My husband and I got married after a week of knowing each other
I felt an instant connection to this spectacular man. The night we first met I asked him if he wanted to go dancing. I felt like I knew him better then anyone I’d ever known. Time moved in fast forward, and two days later, after a lot of conversation and kissing, he asked me to be his wife. I said yes, and we eloped to Mauritius. We have been married almost 19 years, and he is still the love of my life.
I’ve never been drunk
I’m terrified of being out of control, of my mind going somewhere I don’t want it to go. I never want my body to feel like it doesn’t belong to me. Maybe it was the abuse I describe in my book, not being able to take charge of my body or perhaps it is just my character. Being out of control is a destructive feeling for me. I want my body to always work with me, and if I feel it is not, I get afraid.
Jungle, my British short-haired cat keeps me calm at night
I wake a lot, my mind likes playing non-sleeping games, there is a dark silence at night that can make me feel vulnerable and trapped. Jungle is always ready for midnight love. Petting him while he purrs is very soothing to me, he calms me and helps me drift back to sleep. This happens several times a night. In this way, he is like a service cat helping me shift my state of mind.
I forgave my mom
Truly. She didn’t know about the abuse even though it was happening in her home. She lives with terrible guilt. That’s the ‘sentence’ I believe is imposed on parent’s when something terrible take’s place under their watch. I’ve never blamed my mother. Her handling of the aftermath was awful, but she didn’t know any better. It took me time to forgive her for my ‘lost’ teenage years but never once have I ever felt the need to forgive her for what my stepfather did to me.
I’m terrified of social media
I know many people use it for good, but it also gives angry people a platform to be hateful and cruel. I think people who use social media and expose themselves and their vulnerabilities are incredibly brave. I'm not so brave. I have written a book about something harrowing and important, but I still like my privacy. Writing a book seems safer to me.
Jonathan and I decided to have a child after fifteen years of marriage
Before we had Summer, I wore many different coloured heels, dressed up, ate too much sushi, drank sake, travelled, laughed and chatted until the early hours of the morning. Now I’m never out of my trainers, I dress down, we eat too little sushi and go to bed early. But being parents is magical. We are softer and stronger and more vulnerable. We laugh in new ways and are joyful in the extraordinary, ordinary moments of being parents. Summer is part of our love story, and I feel blessed knowing she is growing because of this love, and more of course.
I love children’s books
The simplicity of the message, the innocence within the pictures and the journey of the characters make me feel hopeful. This snow globe moment before my daughter goes to bed is startling, everything is calm and quiet, Summer’s cosy in her grow bag, and we are about to adventure with animals, bugs, or fairies. Reading before bed is essential for Summer but I think it might even be more important for me, it’s a time where I’m entirely present, there are no whispers in my head.
I love living in London
Most of all I love the freedom of walking. I grew up in Johannesburg where everybody drives. Walking for me is like meditation. I walk to most of my destinations without even hopping on a bus or tube, and I find that liberating.
New York’s Central Park is my favourite place in the world
I’ve spent many romantic days walking there with Jonathan, it’s an enchanting place especially in the spring when the tulips bloom. These walks inspired me to start writing a children’s book, called Summer in Central Park, about a little girl who lives inside a tulip. When I have tulips in a vase, I feel like I have a small piece of Central Park at home.
Candice Derman's memoir Indescribable is available now.