How to handle a teenager is an ongoing problem. The world changes, behaviours evolve but the passage from childhood to adulthood is a perennial issue. Our children all go through a stage in their life which is critical and every parent is, one day or another, confronted with the problem of managing this troublesome period called adolescence. Studies have shown that young people today reach puberty much earlier and as socio-economic reasons push them to live at home over a longer period of time, the coexistence between parents and teens can last quite a few years.
Power, Beauty and the legitimacy of Adolescence
So how can one handle this challenge? Thorough understanding of teenagers’ behaviour requires a careful analysis of its motivations and complexity. Instead of just reacting or overreacting to teenagers’ conduct one has to adopt a philosophical approach to bring harmony back in the family. Obviously, one needs practical tools to achieve this but it is mainly about having a drastically different attitude.
COMMON MISTAKES PARENTS MAKE
The first great mistake is to consider adolescence as an isolated moment in the evolution of the individual, a critical period which would be completely different from previous ones. Not only do teenagers have a history which greatly determines their reactions to the events they are currently experiencing, but the period they are living is as outstanding as other stages of their childhood life, like weaning, autonomy in corporeal hygiene, walking, speaking or reading.
The expression teenage crisis is therefore a terminology which could be misleading because it seems to refer to something which is negative whereas it is a change towards something positive. Instead of saying my teen is going through a crisis one should say my teen is becoming an adult. The second wording is much more valorising and respectful. It should not be seen as a problematic period that literally hits a growing child and affects the whole family but as a normal and natural evolution of the individual that needs adequate response. This progression should not only be welcomed but embraced by all the members of the family.
The second great mistake that most parents make when confronted with an unmanageable teen is to assume that the only problem comes from the youth but never to consider their own behaviour and reactions. The focus must be on the parents’ flaws because it is their choice of response and way of being which will be crucial for a good interaction with their teens.
My approach is extremely simple and goes against educational systems based on authority or strict hierarchy. There are two preliminary conditions: firstly, a full understanding of what an adolescent is going through, not only physically but also psychologically, and secondly the unequivocal will on the parents’ side to have an adequate personal response. The final objective being to reconcile parents and teenagers and to restore the good relationship that existed previously between them.
THE WAY TO GO
Document yourself
Get the correct scientific information about what your teenager is going through both physically and mentally. The studies are available and every parent should be thoroughly updated on the subject. This goes well beyond hormonal changes. Studies made on teenage brain development, circadian cycles and behavioural control are highly informative. Although parents are obviously aware that changes are occurring in their children, many don’t realise how profound they are. Coping with their new identity will have tremendous emotional and cognitive impacts on them so adults have to consider the phenomenon as a whole.
Listen to you teenagers
This may seem paradoxical but parents should start listening to what their children are trying to tell them. Remember they are the ones who are going through chaos, so they need the attention, not you. Your teenager needs a non invasive guide or coach who respects his or her choices even if they don’t correspond to preconceived ideals. They need to be able to experiment, make mistakes and learn from them.
Avoid systematic criticism
Remember that in any conflictual relationship between a parent and a teenager, there are two entities. It is the alchemy between the two behaviours which poses a problem because not only does the parent find it difficult or sometimes impossible to put up with the youth’s conduct but the adolescent is at a stage in his life in which he can’t stand the ways of the parent either and of society itself to some degree. The behaviour of the adult must always be in tune to enable the youth to navigate safely his or her way out of this difficult period. This requires self-control on the part of the adults but also readiness to question the appropriateness of their responses, and this on a regular basis.
Give up power and control
One has to reverse the pyramidal structure of parents giving orders and teenagers obeying. Those who dare try to change this structure for a short period of time are all unanimous in saying that things seem to cool down miraculously. Being stuck in a rut of wanting to overpower unruly teens leads to nowhere. Stop trying to win an imaginary battle. The only objective is to establish a constructive relationship with your teenager and this is done through thoughtfully surrendering control. Parents will allow them to grow by letting them go. Françoise Dolto, the famous French paediatrician, put it all in a nutshell when she said: “you need great maturity to be capable of being a parent, because it implies being conscious that it is not a situation of power but a situation of duty and that we must not expect any kind of right in exchange.”
Build their self-concept and self esteem
The establishment of self-concept takes place very early in life. By the time children reach adolescence, they are weakened by the significant physical changes in conjunction with the psychological adaptations they have to make during this period. Self-concept is at its lowest in adolescents because they are struggling to understand what is actually happening to them.
What the parents imply or say about their young child and later about their teenager will have direct repercussions on the way they feel about themselves To build self-concept and consequently self-esteem in their children, parents have to provide both stated and unstated messages that show their unconditional love, support and trust. One has to formulate or imply notions like: I value you, you can think for yourself, you have control, you can own your decisions and I trust you.
Stop setting strict arbitrary limits
Most well-intentioned parents fail in their attempt to communicate with their teens because they don’t change anything in their own mind set. An authoritarian parent who has always imposed very strict limits to his children will try to do the same when they get older and the result is very often disastrous. Moreover, as the teenager’s behaviour is bound to get worse, the sanctions will very probably be reinforced. All this leads to failure and tension. It is wrong to think that the limits one had to give children at an early age have to be applied in the same manner to teenagers. There is a simple reason why this is a mistake. Thanks to Jean Piaget, famous Swiss psychologist, we know that teenagers start having a thinking ability, also called abstract thinking compared to children who have concrete thinking. Young children need limits because they are incapable of fixing them themselves. On the contrary, teens need to experience the consequences of their own decisions and do not want to accept ready made fix-its because this would imply that they are incapable of making their own mind about something.
De-dramatise objectionable teenage behaviour
Highly objectionable behaviour is often the only way teenagers have to put distance between their parents and themselves. Adolescence constitutes essentially a phase of self-government and of estrangement from old dependencies. On the cognitive level, it is about getting rid of old structures to experience new ones; on the affective level, it is about breaking from parents to engage with other people and creating new bonds. This means a total personal restructuring and moving away from parental identification. On the social level, the youth is looking for his or her own integration to social and economical life but not sieved through the family’s control. Foul speech, aggressiveness, indifference or withdrawal, are all provocative patterns of behaviour that have to be put into context. Parents have to hold back on reacting on the spur of the moment and need to delay their response.
CONCLUSION
Dealing with adolescence can be a rollercoaster but it is also a wonderful opportunity to do things right and to ensure a good and healthy relationship between two generations. Mothers and fathers should embrace this beautiful moment in life which is very often badly understood or handled and equally apprehended by the teenagers themselves. Ultimately it is about creating a lifelong relationship with maturing children based on love, respect, understanding and collaborative construction.
Susan Jane Broda Tamburi
Power, Beauty and Legitimacy of Adolescence. Understanding the teenage years. 2019.