After two decades of numbing difficult emotions with alcohol and drugs, the critically acclaimed author and podcaster Elizabeth G. made the life-altering decision to get sober. But sobriety, she’s learned, isn’t a neat or linear process. In this honest and powerful reflection, Elizabeth opens up about the challenges of unlearning old habits, the reality of relapse, and the pressure to hold it all together when life feels overwhelming.
Sobriety image, courtesy Dominiquemel16 Ramos/Pexels
My sobriety journey began back in March 2022. I had no idea what the journey would entail. All I knew was that I was at a point in my life where I was determined to stop the cycle of totally obliterating myself every other week and being left to deal with the consequences, picking up a trail of destruction along the way: the bad decisions, unhealthy relationships and poor diet that would follow. Fast forward three years, and I have achieved exactly what I set out to do. Gone is the cycle of obliteration, and in its place is now a razor-sharp focus and ability to make better decisions. I have said no to drugs and alcohol many times over these past few years, sometimes in the most stressful and pressurised of situations. However, one thing I have learnt is that the journey to sobriety can be a bumpy one.
I’ve had ‘slip-ups’ as I like to call them, along the way. One thing I have really learned is that getting sober is not a linear process. Essentially, I have been undoing twenty years’ worth of habits. That is something that takes time and a little patience. But each slip-up has always come with valuable lessons, and I have used them to learn and grow.
My most recent slip-up was in February this year. It had been a very challenging winter for me. I had been struggling with a lack of routine since retiring from the sex industry and some days I found it difficult to just get myself out of bed at a decent hour. My social life, my sex life and the financial security that sex work brought me was all suddenly gone and it was as though I was learning to walk again. Sex work had been my identity for so long and then it was gone from my life and I really struggled with that. It’s almost as if I had to rediscover myself all over again. Feelings of overwhelm began to build over a prolonged period of time. And as the overwhelm grew stronger and stronger, my ability to cope with the challenges that life was throwing at me left, right and centre became unbearable. In all honesty, I was feeling the pressure and not knowing how to cope with it all, I wanted to forget.
These pressures became all-consuming. They were all I’d think about day in, day out. Last thing at night and first thing in the morning. I’d wake up gasping for air barely able to catch my breath. The pressure felt like a ten-tonne dark cloud hovering over me making me feel like I had failed miserably at life. I felt like there was no escape from the burden of my thoughts, of worry, and of anxiety. I was in a dark place. I felt like I was drowning. I was like a pressure cooker about to explode. Something had to give. Eventually, something snapped, and I got wasted. In struggling to deal with the burden of being human, I chose to numb myself with copious amounts of alcohol. I’d be lying if I said it made me feel worse. It didn’t. As much as I hate to admit it, it actually made me feel better.
The bottom line is that getting sober is not a perfect journey, it can feel messy and chaotic at times. Because life is messy. My sobriety journey has never been about never drinking again (I made that clear to myself from the very beginning) but more so about having a period in my life where I don’t drink so that I can focus, think more clearly, make better decisions and go on to achieve certain goals. I have achieved exactly what I set out to do. As a result, I got myself on the property ladder, wrote my first book and stayed away from toxic relationships.
I’ve gone from totally obliterating myself with drugs and alcohol practically every other week to having one, maybe two slip ups a year with alcohol. That to me, is huge progress and I feel immensely proud of how far I’ve come. I look at all the times I have said no – Christmas, New Years Eve, birthdays, holidays, stressful days, happy days, mundane days, sunny days, rainy days and even my own book launch party!
It got me thinking about the reasons why a lot of us do drink. As some may say, ‘we drink to cry’ or ‘we drink to forget.’ I certainly wanted to forget and to feel nothing just for that short period. I wanted escapism. Yes, I got what I wanted. But was it worth it? Obviously, the days that followed were pretty painful. My sparkle was gone and in its place was a tired and more sluggish version of myself. However, the next few days were not as painful as I thought they’d be. That is by no means my way of glamourising alcohol. There is nothing glam about putting a chemical into our bodies, yet I see it constantly over-glamourised on social media. Alcohol can be as ‘clean’ or as ‘organic’ as you like but ethanol is still ethanol, and our bodies do not want to consume such substances. The complexity of our minds, however, is a totally different ball game. There must be something so deep in our human psyche to be aware of how toxic alcohol is and to drink it anyway. What does that tell us about the condition of being human? That perhaps our minds and our thoughts can at times, become so overwhelming that we feel an unstoppable urge to blot them out even if just for a short period?
Naturally, I feel a little deflated from my recent slip-up, but I shall learn from it and move on. I feel like I’m getting to the stage now where I’m ready to drink once a year perhaps on my birthday or during Leo season. I have to entertain that idea in my head to take the pressure off. Because life can be full of surprises, and we never really know what is in store for us from one day to the next. My trigger in this instance was clearly stress and feeling like I couldn’t cope. I have since upped my gym classes to three times a week which seems to have made a huge difference. I feel like I can conquer the world every time I come out of a HIIT or Spin class. So, I have learnt to be more mindful when it comes to working my way through difficult times, to stop making excuses and get myself into the gym no matter what.
To anyone else on their sobriety journey who is struggling, take note of your triggers, don’t beat yourself up if you slip up. Dust yourself off, pick yourself back up and move on.
Elizabeth G. is a British author, podcaster, and equal rights activist who leverages her own experiences of the sex industry to affect societal and legislative change. With a university degree in marketing and a masters in acting, Elizabeth has drawn on her academic and life skills with the podcast, Unashamed: A Sexual Journey with Elizabeth G, and her acclaimed 2024 memoir, Unashamed: Why Do People Pay for Sex? Both serve to raise awareness of female empowerment, of body positivity, and of the need for legislative reform.
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