"I'm a man and love it. Yes I know. I've probably just offended a 'group' on Facebook. A shocking admission in this climate of social media gender espionage. I have a willy and I love watching Kung Fu movies, playing with expensive gadgets and violent video games in a dressing gown. I love cooking, skateboarding and doing stupid stuff, which often leads to broken bones and bleeding limbs. But what about my bleeding heart?
Simon Wan
Over the last three billion years the realm of finding that special someone has been largely ruled by women. Endless movies and TV shows that show the defiant, newly single, young lady, surrounded by her well-wishing clique, all filling her glass with wine and her face with salty tear soaked chocolates. Telling her that it's 'his' loss and that 'he's' an idiot. It's important. It means something. A woman has to find 'Mr Perfect' or her life is doomed. Okay, so I know that this is a massive cliché, but Adele has certainly made a few quid out of the subject.
But what about 'Mrs Perfect?' Where is my 'Knightess' in shining armour? When a man gets dumped or loses his future 'Princess' to some millionaire football player, the most he gets is a hard thump on the back and that awful throw away statement about seas and fish. My retort as always, 'If I wanted to shag a mermaid I'd become a sailor.'
I blame Disney. The Prince always coming to the rescue of the poor little woman. Unluckily, we don't live in a cartoon world. If we did, I'd have left England with my talking cat and spent my life singing songs as I travelled around the world with a pair of crystal Charlotte Olympia heels and a hot water bottle looking for the perfect feet.
Finding love is just as important to men. It really is. It should be. Even if they don't talk about is as much. Finding your soulmate and eventually getting married, hitched, having babies and all that goes with it is a milestone. It means that no matter how old they are when they find that special someone, they are no longer that little boy with a pocket full of bullets. It's time to grow up and this is almost certainly the hardest thing a man can do.
'Mrs Perfect' has to be a warped mix of your Mum when you were five, your first peck on the cheek when you were eight, your first crush when you were ten and your favourite pin up in the magazine you found in your best mates garage when you were thirteen. And, most importantly, a female version of your best mate who you know will always make you laugh at the worst possible times, like at a funeral or the clap clinic. It's a tough list and one that a lot of men throw away at the first sign of regular sex at twenty-one. For me, finding the perfect partner is important, it might be easy or a life-long brain melting disaster, either way, keep looking, good luck and look harder. There's seven billion people in the world. You only need to find one."
Simon's debut novel, Love and a Dozen Roast Potatoes , publishes June 9th with Urbane Publications and is priced at 8.99
