By Dr Esther Ramsay-Jones, author of Holding Time: Human Need and Relationships in Dementia care (Free Association Books, September 30th 2019)
Holding Time
Esther Ramsay-Jones lectures on ‘Death, Dying and Bereavement’ at the Open University. She has presented her work at various locations around the world and her papers have been published in academic journals and anthologies. She practises as a specialist psychotherapist in palliative care, working with people with long-term conditions and their families. Her book, Holding Time, is out in September 2019, available online and in all good bookshops.
Losing someone we love often changes us. Though each person is likely to experience grief differently, from stunned denial, deep sadness to overwhelming anxiety or rage, grief is an emotionally intense experience.
If your partner is grieving for a loved one - a parent, sibling, best friend or, devastatingly, a child – you might be able to offer comfort by the way you respond. Here’s how:
Grief can leave people feeling vulnerable and fragile. The death of someone we have loved, with whom we have formed attachments, upends our certainties. So be patient: it can be difficult for a partner to acknowledge this vulnerability, and even harder if he or she has always been the outwardly resilient one in the partnership. If he/she is someone who avoids thinking about his or her feelings, tell him/her it’s okay not to be strong sometimes.
People can withdraw and pull away: a partner might need to spend more time alone. It’s easy to think this might be about something you have done or said. It probably isn’t, so try to develop your own emotional strength in the face of his/her pain. Try to allow him/her the space that he/she needs to sit with their thoughts and feelings, without thinking it’s about you.
In a partnership, grief can cause conflict because a partner can be angry in response to the sense of injustice that someone has died. Anger is often a disguise for deep hurt, so acknowledge the pain and hurt your partner is experiencing. Be curious about everyday anger and why someone might be starting rows, without retaliating – as hard as that can be! (Of course, don’t tolerate any abusive behaviour and set boundaries accordingly.)
Helping someone through the grieving process can be a very unsteady road to walk down. So be kind to yourself and ask for help when you need it. Isolating yourself can make it harder still, so find someone you trust with whom you can share your own experience. Try not to feel guilty for wanting a rest from time to time.
Grief can take people to dark places: following the death of a loved one, some people may put their own life on hold, unable to see the value in the life they currently have. Remind your partner of what he/she does have, and what there is to be grateful for. Do this gently and sensitively.
Adapt to change. Grief forces some to reassess who they are and what their lives mean. Be open to exploring these changes: sometimes people are able to reclaim parts of their identity that had remained hidden, and this makes for positive transformations. It just means that you might have to get to know them a second time around.
Get outside in nature and take up exercise together. We know that grief can at times feel paralysing. Movement allows for shifts, and nature has a way of taking us outside ourselves and our whirring thoughts. It’s a good way of showing someone, without words, that you want to be with them, even in their pain, and that grief states aren’t static. It’s important for both of you to take a break from grieving.