The Art Of Getting In By Nimrod Kamer

19 April 2018

My name is Nimrod and I’m a sellout in a world full of sold-outs. A flaccid man trying to get access. An unfollower of old friends, a click farmer. The tips below will teach you how to inject yourself deep into other people’s calendars. Getting ahead in today’s egosystem requires you to develop a sense disesteem and disrepute. Dignity aside, allow yourself be blacklisted once in awhile. Social climbing isn’t crass or rude, it’s a form of class warfare and redistribution of likes.

Nimrod Kamer

Walk in backwards

Guest lists are hard to overcome - if the doorman can see your face. They will eject you faster than you can say ‘Jack Guinness’. Wait for a moment of disarray at reception and quickly moonwalk inside, smooth, like MJ, no one will notice you. Some may assume you’re coming back in reverse from the smoking area. Don’t look ahead until you are in. Turn your face forward - you lose. Carry on moving backwards and hit the bar. Slam your back on it. Order a drink without looking. When the drink arrives glance up and say thank you. If you hold a drink you’re safe. Keep your JOMO going - joy of missing out.

Till debt do us part

Members clubs have a soft spot for those who owe them money. Arrive in the morning with $250 in cash and demand entry to pay your bill from last night. There is no bill. You then insist, it’s at the bar upstairs. Last night was tumultuous. Tinder is the night. God is debt. When you’re upstairs keep on looking for your tab. Order sparkling water and allow them to check everywhere, no rush. On your way out leave a scarf in the cloakroom permanently. Use the cloakroom ticket to get in the following day. Now you’re pretty much a member. Start talking to various other members and offer them your services, such as Wikipedia editing and iCloud tips.

Mutual Friends

Go into any wedding if you have more than 20 mutual friends with the bride or groom. Present your social media accounts at the door. Show how much you have liked the couple’s posts over the years. Do not require a table, just a chair by the altar. When inside hit the dancefloor the hardest. If asked which side you’re on, return the question and say you’re from the opposite side. After five hours retire to the lavatory, leaving the booth’s door unlocked, so no one suspects you’re there. Just like on a train.

Click Farmers

Buy fake followers, fake comments, fake likes, fake dislikes (on Youtube). You’ll create much needed employment in Bangladesh. Most click farms are located in Asia. Why pay Facebook for an ad to promote your content when you can pay directly to farmers? Some of your real friends are fake anyway, so what’s the difference. Drop 1,000 followers on your loved one’s account as a gift.

Press Your Credentials

Live and eat out of PR gift bags. If you need more dog food: email a dog food PR company and ask to write about their dog food. They'll send you loads. If you need a place to stay try living in a sample flat to save rent. Sample flats are a façade of a flat in a newly built luxury apartment bloc. The coffee machine doesn’t really work and walls are made of wallpaper. Ethically you better not write about these products without declaring your writing is sponsored. It is okay to disappoint PR people and not deliver on the write up. The entire PR business is based on false promises.

Fashion Frow

Arrive early in fashion shows. Namedrop Vogue’s deputy editor at the door. Notable guests have their names printed on the bench at the front row. Sit next to a name you fancy. When the show is about to begin you’d be asked to move. Say there’s no time for you to move, because “the show is about to begin”. Talk to the person you chose to sit next to, mistaking them for another notable individual. Name-flopping is much more powerful than name-dropping. Getting a name wrong is a conversation upper mixed with durable shock. Get in with them in all the pictures. Wear pink Crocs and spread your legs forward. Hold scoreboards with numbers - rate the outfits 5.7, 7.9, 8.4 just like in the Olympics. When the show ends go to where the models came from and crash the backstage area.

Minus one

Throw your own party. Put everyone on the guest list as minus 1, minus 2, minus 3. Meaning: When they arrive someone has to leave for them to get in. This will create healthy tension and chaos at the door. Ask guests to show their Instagram profile to prove they have more followers than pictures. Ratios matter. If they post too many pics they should go back and delete a few, then try again to gain entry. The queue is more fun than any party. Design the interior of the club like a street. Tell the DJ to play car ambience. Usher everyone in to stand in an orderly line inside so they can leave.

Hotel Hiatus

Book an Airbnb opposite the resort in which the party is at. Arrive in a bathing suit and towel only. Dress codes do not apply to hotel guests. Check on Instagram: who’s sitting next you in the lobby or pool. People always upload. Refresh the feed. Do a location search to see everyone’s names. Approach them and offer your services. Ask the concierge to print some plane tickets and manuscripts. PDF your way in. High-end locations offer these services to anyone. They’re happy to provide umbrellas, pens and towels. When asked for a room number - say you checked out 5 minutes ago. An espresso would grant you an unlimited amount of cookies.

Art Ruzzle

Go to every Art Basel around the world. Hong Kong, Miami, Basel. You’re a collector, not a journalist. Arrive with a canvas of your own to make the impression that you just bought a work. No one is allowed to take their purchases home. Except you. Go into the UBS bank lounge using someone else’s guest pass. VIPs can get unlimited guest passes if they claim to have lost them. Ask to rent art rather than buying it. Art = Property. Say you have an art vault in Switzerland for tax purposes. Art is a commodity made of money. Some canvases have coins inside of them.

Share Your Receipts

The happiness effect. Everyone is posting sexy pictures relentlessly at any cost. Your body is your battleground. Your followers know every trench. Being naked isn’t risky anymore. Money is. Be brave and share all your dining receipts on Instagram. Don’t post a picture by a pool without showing the price, or the mental toll of sneaking in. Share all of your bills, overdraft and mortgage on Twitter. Happiness must be broken down to the invoice level otherwise it’s unaccountable joy.

Name Only

Business cards should contain your full name only. No email, no website, no address, no phone. Who’s gonna call? Nobody. Finding you should be a problem. An online escapade. When handing your card pull out scissors and cut it in two. Take the surname. Leave the first name. A name remembered is a job done. Anyone can use Messenger and direct message you. Carpe DM.