Here I am and here it is… I had to see my GP earlier this year (January). I tell him my appetite has been a myth (which is strange for me as I eat like a true Saiyan), my sleep is worse than ever, my back and shoulders are tighter than Wenger in the transfer window (Just saying! Merci Arsene!) and I am having trouble concentrating like Jean Grey before she mastered her use of cerebro. He asks some questions surrounding my mood and I am both baffled and feeling slightly annoyed at this point as I have just told him the 4-1-1…
Author Jay Mullings returns with The Thought Book 2
He asks to check my blood pressure and I tell him what I always tell Doctors, “Stress doesn’t affect my blood pressure, the worse I feel the better it reads!” Low and behold it registers as normal. I side eye him; as far as I am concerned at this point we need to page House MD to solve this mystery…
He is talking again, without realising it I am now thinking about how long is left on the pay and display parking ticket I purchased? How much writing can I get done today? When was the last time I ate a proper meal? Is it healthy for me to have been up 23 hours straight by this point?
I catch myself with my nose pointed in the air like The Rock smelling what he has cooking. Chest all proud like Usain Bolt when he smashed the 100M records to smithereens. Then, I start hearing the Doc’s words again, “Your symptoms and even your demeanour tell me you’re depressed!” Wait…
I looked behind me so quickly it hurt a little bit! Who?!?! Someone else must be in this room.
He repeats half of his words, “Mr Mullings I think you’re depressed!” I retort, “Doc please you’re embarrassing me; call me Star Lord” He doesn’t laugh; personally I thought my timing and tone were both impeccable.
I shake off the lack of taste in comedy. Let us address his particular joke. Doc, run through my notes, I’ve gone through far worse, your diagnosis is only a few years late. Also, I’m an undiscovered Writer, my entire life is depressing. It doesn’t mean I’m depressed. “Yeah, combat that I thought…”
For some reason (yes I am a screenwriter) my mind goes straight to The Sopranos. All of a sudden I realise maybe I am the sad clown? I’m the one wondering what happened to the strong silent type? I’m asking about Gary Cooper types… Then I recall a line that tickled me, “Here we go, here comes the Prozac…”
I want to start you on a course of (I don’t care to remember the name) we will start on X dosage. Doc, you can stop right there! This is what I wanted to tell him in my Rock voice, "So let Jay get this right, you want Jay to take your pills and become a sleepy little shell of himself. You want to slow down The People’s brain? Well this is what you can do Doc. I bet you like pie, you look like you like pie Doc. I want you to get two of your favourite flavour pies, set them down on the table. Then I want you to take these pills, I want you to shine those pills. Shine them up real good put them in the pies, turn them sumbitch sideways and stick em straight up your candy ass!"
Perspective
I was sleep deprived so my ideas about what was appropriate to say and funny were probably off, but hey that was very funny to me at the time. So I smile. Doc, I don’t want your pills! I have a super-secret plan for getting better. Hear me out, I’m going to go to Amsterdam for like a week. I think their medicine might result in a substantial breakthrough. He laughed…
He gives me a number and suggests counselling/therapy. Don’t know how (I do) but I lost it… I had a course of CBT sessions which I had to fight for with my car accident last year, and as much as I would love to sing its praises, the absolute truth is this; I only made progress out of necessity.
When you’re a Black man in a country that has almost no empathy for you and what you’ve been through, you better pattern up (Organise yourself)! You don’t get to be on the injured reserve list. As so many of my Jamaican elders would say, “Yuh haffi carry yuhself laka solja! Caan mek babylon defeat yuh!” Translation: You have to carry yourself like a soldier! You can’t let evil defeat you…
Fight Off The Dementors… The evil in this case is melancholy. You can’t tunnel so far into your own head that you don’t recognise happiness or triumph. I’m not suggesting there is an easy off button that you press and reset. However, you had better have your own back and not trust anyone else to fix it for you. It’s a matter of retraining your mind to let you lead and not have your mind lead you. I know what you’re thinking, “Why are you talking as if your mind is controlled by anybody other than you?” Okay, my response to that is simple, where does this self limiting voice you hear inside (sometimes) come from? If you have absolute control over your thoughts, then why would you allow yourself to think of anything that would dissaude you against total belief in yourself? Okay good…
My counter attack against this new enemy? Write twice as much and be twice as honest. I will not stifle my voice or my genuine feelings on things. For instance a few of my friends have asked me what I thought of The Avengers Infinity Wars, the look of absolute horror I got each time when I calmly said 6/10 was priceless. Anyway back to the reasoning…
Useful Habits
The more I sat down and poured out the things that were weighing me down, the better I felt and the more I realised that people everywhere go through some form of this. Even the most mentally healthy. I poured this energy into everything. My T-shirt designs, my blogs, my interviews, my book (details to follow) and of course my screenplays. Each day I stood a little more upright, ate a little more, I slept a little better and I laughed a little harder.
Unrelenting
This is why I will not relent in my pursuit of true success and a positive impact. I won’t let false prophets discourage me and I definitely won’t let people go around me as if I am a fool for wanting a fair shake and mutual respect. The disrespect is definitely nothing compared to what I’ve been through and come back from.
You can’t push me off my path because my calling is hardwired into my entire being. Even if I stepped away I’d be pulled back in…
Found The Formula?
Does all of this mean I am cured? No I wouldn’t say completely! Each time I level up and come back stronger. I definitely don’t get into the ‘why me’ as much as I say ‘it has to be me’. Frustration is natural, as is a longing for the day when success is cemented. However, I intend to learn and enjoy as much as I can on this journey. If you’re still reading at this point, it is safe to say you share this notion on a spiritual level. For that, I salute you and my third eye recognises the realness in you.
The Thought Book 1 & 2 by Jay Mullings is out now, priced £8.99 for TTB1 and £11.99 for TTB2. For more information see https://writtenmirror.com/
Tagged in depression