And I hate the way her face looks when she’s yabbering on about him. The white of her smile unnerves me as I avoid looking into her eyes; I don’t want the truth staring back at me. I bare my teeth at her as my lips refuse to arch. I can't even force a fake smile. Not today. She's ground me down. I wish I could freeze this moment for a little while, take a step back and admire the lines in her face as I pretend I'm the reason for the sparkle in her eyes. I’m not greedy. I’m not asking for forever; just the here and now. Just a little longer than a moment.
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As a tear trickles down her check, embedding footprints in her sandy skin, I fall for every empty word rolling off her tongue.
But now my bed feels warmer when I’m sleeping alone. Her touch bruises deeper than my skin. There is nothing left here. Not even the ashes of a ghost. All I taste is malicious intent lingering at the back of my throat. I swallow, but it’s the only thing left of her that wont disappear. I should never have let her suck me in. My thoughts are a tangle of everything she ever said to me. A flash of her animated face, interrupts my thoughts, as she's rambling on about him again.
“Did you do this to get back at him?”
“Is this all some kind of sick joke?”
Promises and lies knot together so tightly as though they were never separate to begin with. I don’t think my smile will ever remember me whilst she's not stopped grinning all day.
“Is this it?”
“Is this how it ends? With you spewing his name with a smile?”
And so once again, the sound of this beating has drowned out all my sense. Here we are pretending everything’s OK. Pretending we feel the same. I attempt a final smile but she looks down at the floor. She can tell. She knows what she's done. She looked beautiful when she was just in black and white. When she was just a thought. Just a fantasy. Things were simpler back then. Why didn’t I just leave this as nice thought? That first smile. That first kiss. A drizzle of colour and it all seems so much more real; an ugly shade of reality.
Why didn’t she keep her colours to herself? Only wear them for him? I was content just admiring her from afar and only dreaming in colour. I can’t bear to look and her. I switch off the lights. The butterflies in my stomach have made me feel sick. She’s my best friend’s girl. However much I thought I wanted this, I knew this would happen. This was never meant to be. We lay in comforting darkness. I sigh with relief as I can no longer make out her silhouette in the slightly moonlit room. I feel the bed move as she shuffles off to gather her things. Without even a goodbye, she opens the door and leaves, heading towards the light that shines into the room in a kaleidoscope of colours.