The plastic bottle rattled as I tipped out two more pills onto my hand. Taking a deep breath, I knocked them back dry and scrutinized in the mirror. Straighten up, girl. Investigating further, my green eyes weren't bloodshot. Had to be careful at work not to take too many. I turned the bottle over in my palm and wondered why 'Evelyn White' didn't want or need her Tramadol. Maybe it was stolen. It didn't matter. I needed them, paid good money, too.
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Smoothing the lines of my perfect suit, I still couldn't believe how well the weight-loss was going. I looked almost normal now, and mocked the new attention I received from my colleagues. I hated shallow people. The door opened, and a dark-haired woman entered. I pocketed the pills and headed out before the door swung shut.
Stepping out, I squared my shoulders and strode round the corner and back into the open-plan office. The call floor rolled out like an eternity, the low rumble of hundreds of voices trying to sell insurance, double-glazing, whatever. If you aren't used to it, the atmosphere can be quite overwhelming. I loved it. The buzz from a sales environment was amazing with so many people together.
One day soon, this will all be mine. I'd been promoted to Floor Manager within three months of starting and enjoyed throwing myself into work. Everything was going well, but I just needed to keep the stress and anxiety in check. It was becoming difficult to contain myself at this level, what with the added burden of management and shady office politics. I felt useless, inadequate and buckled at the first sign of pressure. I wanted to feel worthwhile. Useful. I wanted people to see me as a good person. Deep down, I was. Despite my failures, I always tried hard. I just didn't want anyone thinking I'm a freak because I'm usually a bag of nerves.
Approaching my boss with a smile, I pulled up a chair and slid close to her. "Hey Andie, what have I missed?"
The petite woman swivelled round in her chair and threw down a bundle of paper. Her desk sat at the head of the floor, like a throne. "Aaah, the infamous Ruby. Wondered where your pretty little face had disappeared to. I've just been looking through the sales stats, and I have to say, you've outdone yourself yet again. Those extra hours of coaching you've done with the guys has paid off. Good feedback from them, too. If you're willing to put in some extra time, I think it's something we could do once a month?"
"Sounds great." I loved spending time with the teams on the floor, and we usually managed to have a good laugh while being productive.
"I've got some good news - we're getting another new 'un. Nina will be joining us later today as a trainee team manager. She's internal, so kind of knows what the score is. Her performance is very good, so I'm confident she'll cut it."
"Fab, we could be doing with an extra body around here. Too many Indians and not enough Chiefs."
Andie smirked. "Just remember who is Big Chief!" she prodded herself in the chest.
"Where is Nina coming from?" I asked. I was hoping I'd be asked to look after the new recruit to begin with, and readied myself so I could be as much help as possible.
"Collections."
My heart sank. Collections was the debt recovery department upstairs - meaning she would likely be rough, unprofessional, and take a lot of moulding. Damn. The Sales department looked down on Collections. I'm sure there was a joke in there somewhere. That's where you were transferred to if you couldn't sell. The guys two floors up used any tactics possible to get people to pay up. I scribbled in my notebook.
"Seeing as you are gunning to move up the food chain again, I thought it would be good for you to show her what's what. You know, show her what's different to upstairs." Ding ding. One point to Ruby. I knew helping a newbie out would affect my floor performance, and that was an instant worry. That was my actual job. I didn't want that to suffer.
Andie and I thought with the same mentality, so I was relieved when she added, "Don't worry, Ruby-Roo, I'll look after your precious floor performance until you get this girl up and running." My performance was in turn, after all, her performance. With a wink, she was up and sailing across the floor high-fiving call operators in rows as she went.
After a late lunch I hurried in and rounded the corner to the call floor. The afternoon rumble had already started, and the team managers were marking up sales on whiteboards and motivating the operatives. Standing with Andie must be Nina - the woman in the toilet I hadn't recognised. Small, slim and dark, maybe ten years older than me. Quite attractive, too. Her head was tipped back, howling with laughter and hanging on to Andie's arm. Of course, Nina was a transfer - Andie already knew her.
"Nina, this is Ruby, who'll help you out for the first few weeks." Andie steered the newcomer in my direction. I extended my hand, and as Nina shook it with a firm grip, I noticed the tight smile plastered across the new face.
"I've heard so much about you!" gushed Nina.
Fake, fake fake. Even through my cloud of prescription painkillers that had now kicked in and last night's stale vodka, I could still trust my gut on character. This was setting off alarm bells already. I just hoped she wasn't a kiss-ass. That was the worst.
*
"How's she getting on?" Dustin was the other floor manager, and we worked as a pair.
"Really good actually." I was observing her holding a performance meeting.
Between us, Dustin and I looked after sixteen team managers who in turn had twelve call operators each. It was a lot to deal with, but we meshed well, and he encouraged me any time he could. I was very lucky to have people like him and Andie. He liked to check in on me.
He stood for a moment, watching Nina. "God, she's good, isn't she?"
"Well, she's hardly asked any questions or pestered me at all."
He raised an impressed eyebrow and smiled. "Heard that she did well upstairs. Can be a bit sharp, but competent. Means you can get back to 'Operation Promotion-Again'."
I shoved him, grinning. He was always poking fun at me for being ambitious. An unsteady optimism washed over me. Maybe Dustin was right.
The afternoon became hot, the call floor was lethargic, and lacking the usual buzz of sales and success - like flowers wilting in the sun. Operatives lazed over desks and drank warm water out of plastic cups. I slouched at my desk on the periphery of the floor, surrounded by piles of monitoring sheets which were used to score the operator's calls.
Nina sat at the desk across from me, her sharp chin resting on her hand. "God, I'm so bored!"
I swivelled round and cocked my head. "If you want something to do, you could always help me with these monitoring forms? It would give you a bit of practice and help me out too."
In an instant, Nina's face transformed from boredom into an ugly, twisted sneer.
"And what makes you think I'd want to do anything to help you? I'm not your fucking slave." I sat back in my chair, taken aback at the outburst. Where the hell did that come from?
"Really? Next time I'll try a suggestion more to your liking. Here's one: you better find something else to do sharpish, Andie is on the prowl."
Our boss leant on my desk. "How do's my beautiful pumpkins?"
This was a typical greeting; Andie was one of those people who was either in a fabulous mood or angry enough to destroy a small country. "How are those monitoring sessions coming, Ruby-Roo?"
"Slow. I'm not going to get through them all today."
Nina leaned over, chin back in hand. "I'll help you!"
Andie beamed. "Perfect! I'll leave you ladies to it!" And she was gone.
I stared at her in disbelief. She had to be kidding. Did she just do that? It took a split second, but I managed to gather myself before the rage flared up. "Forget it. I'll do it myself."
Without missing a beat, and still with the same innocent face, Nina widened her smile to show her straight, even teeth. "I said I would help, didn't I? Don't be like that, Ruby-ROO!"
I threw the monitoring forms at her and stood up. "Do what you want."
So that was it. I'd known by the fakery of that first meeting that something was out of place. Now I knew. She was a kiss-ass, but it wasn't with me. Maybe she had a thing for Andie? Maybe she just wanted to do well? The thoughts turned over in my head. I was still incensed by the earlier reaction from Nina, unable to believe that someone could turn in such a short space of time.
*
The meeting room was quiet, away from the bustle of the call floor.
"Well, what's wrong?"
I sat side-by-side with Andie in big, leather chairs. I'd timed my pills so I felt relaxed and confident. "I need to speak to you about Nina."
Andie beamed. "I know! Isn't she doing well?"
The pit of my stomach dropped to the floor. Maybe I shouldn't bother. My conscience struggled. I decided that I deserved more self -respect, took a deep breath and recounted the incident from the other day.
"Are you being serious?" Andie asked, mouth open.
"Completely."
"I've never heard anything so pathetic in my life. Ruby, you're not a child. Do you feel like this woman is a threat? Is that what's bothering you?"
Talk about insult to injury. "I'm not 'bothered' about anything."
"You know everybody thinks you do an amazing job, and everyone out on that call floor respects you. Did anyone overhear her talking to you like that?"
I shook my head.
"I'm sorry, but I don't know what you want me to do. I can't reprimand her, it's a case of your-word-against-hers sort of thing. I find it hard to believe she'd be as childish as that anyway."
I was crushed.
I stood up, kicking my bag over by accident. The painkillers rolled out, and I ducked down to scoop them up.
"I didn't know you were poorly?" Andie was asking a question.
"I-I'm not. I mean I was. Just antibiotics." I turned to leave.
"Try and play nice with Nina, will you?"
*
As more time passed, underhand comments and bitchy asides had become Nina's forte, but were saved for when no other managers were around. My new colleague had something against me in particular and she wasn't just a spiteful person by nature. I had given her the benefit of the doubt. It must be personal, as she'd had no problems with any of her other colleagues before as far as I knew. Then again, she could have been pulling the sweetness-and-light act all along. As the summer wore on, I became more and more careful of what I did and said around Nina, and began avoiding her as much as possible to avoid confrontation. It was becoming a chore. I no longer had the motivation and drive I was used to; I began to struggle out of bed in the mornings, with no inclination to go to work and start this charade with her all over again.
Having an open-plan office and alternating overtime shifts meant, one Saturday, I ended up working directly with Nina as her superior, just the two of us. Saturday shifts were relaxed, with no businesswear, no higher management and no support staff. The call floor always had a laid-back feel because of the lowered noise level and small numbers of staff. Overtime was voluntary for call operatives. Managing was not.
I went about my duties, while Nina did nothing. I just wanted a quiet day, so kept the 'To Do' list for her to a minimum. However, every time I asked a question or made a suggestion, she rolled her eyes, sighed, or completely ignored me. Like a child, I thought. She was making me angrier and angrier, and I pulled her to one side, out of earshot of the operatives.
I hissed in her ear. "Listen, Nina, I don't know what it is I've done to you, or what your problem is, but try and at least maintain some professionalism on the call floor, and let's try and get through today, okay?"
Nina leaned in, sneering. "Look at you. You think you're it. You've lost a bit of weight and you think you are the best thing ever. Thinking all the men fancy you, walking around flicking your hair. You're just a stuck-up jobsworth little cow. I'm not being dictated to by a silly little slapper."
The smell hit me in the face. Nina was stinking of alcohol. She wasn't hung-over, she was still drunk. Jesus, she must be drunk if I could smell it - I'd sunk the best part of a full bottle the night before.
I turned to find several operatives had looked, sensing conflict. I brushed past, and busied myself with my notebook to distract me from exploding completely. How dare she? By this point, I was struggling to keep my composure. I felt the anger rising to a dangerous level and dug my nails into a tight fist. Nina stalked over, not finished with the conversation and thunder in her already dark features. As she raised her hand to point her finger in my face, she staggered and fell.
I pulled her up, asking if she was okay. Even in times of utter embarrassment, she was as venomous as ever. "What did you do that for, you stupid bitch? You did it on purpose!" she almost shouted, and the overtime team all snapped round as one.
I felt I shouldn't have been shocked by this, and berated myself for not expecting it. However, the whole call floor had heard her. I could feel my professionalism dissolving and the rage I'd tried so hard to contain boiling over. I was disappointed in myself, but I was no longer in control.
"Right, Nina. I don't care what you think of me or the way I do my job. You are going to sit there for the rest of the afternoon before you make any more of a fool of yourself, and sober up." I sounded like her mother. Before she had a chance to open her dirty little mouth again, I turned and walked away.
I had to: I could feel the panic rising up my gut, threatening to take control of my senses and my body. I could feel the tightening in the chest and throat, and the sweat beginning to stand out on my back.
I was having an anxiety attack.
There was no way I was letting that horrible woman see me in this state, I wasn't giving her any more ammunition. Grabbing my bag on the way past, I headed straight for the toilet. Taking a deep breath, I located the pills and dropped two straight into my mouth. Twenty minutes, Ruby. That was all I had to hold out for. My shirt was now stuck to my back, and my chest was still heaving. More deep breaths.
What the hell was I going to do? I knew I had to do something. Not only was Nina ridiculing me, but lying in front of her own team, and was now drunk on the job. Much as I'm far from perfect, I was always careful of making sure I was never drunk for coming to work. That was stepping over a line. These thoughts turning over were making me sweat more, so I decided to go outside for a cigarette.
As I made my way down the flights of stairs, I found myself thinking about my daily drinking ritual. I was drinking more now. I needed it to squash the chaos and take the weighty, tight feelings I carried round with me. Start drinking as soon as you get home, cane the bottle as quick as you can without eating. It gets you drunk quicker. It helps numb you quicker. Eat once you are legless, drink two pints of water, get to bed early. Fresh as a daisy the next morning.
I exited the main doors, and an old colleague was standing on the steps, puffing away. Colvin was fifty-odd, with a mean disposition but a wicked sense of humour. He and I had gotten on well until he was promoted out of the department.
"Aye-Aye, Skinny Minnie!" Colvin's greeting eased the tension in me. I stopped beside him, lighting up.
"How are you, Col? Holding up in the heady heights of middle-management?" Col smiled, and gave me a knowing look.
"I'm fine m'dear, more to the point what's wrong with you? I never see you smoke at work." I sighed, knowing he wouldn't drop it until I explained myself in full.
"I have a problem, and it's called Nina."
"Oh, you mean the Poison Dwarf? Ahhh, now I understand why sweat is dripping from your forehead. Is she giving the old what-for?"
I stared wide-eyed. "You know what she's like? What the hell am I supposed to do with her?"
Col nodded, and told of a similar situation that had happened in a previous department. They had started as trainees at the same time; the poor victim had ended up quitting his job. It was all swept under the carpet because her target hadn't been the best attendee, and they were looking for an excuse to get rid of him anyway. What was even more frightening was that it went completely undetected by the upper levels of management. I felt the sweat in rivulets now, despite being in the cool air.
"Why is she like this do you think?"
"Simple," Colvin returned, "jealousy. The big emerald-eyed monster."
"Why in the name of God's green earth is she jealous of me?!"
"Younger, prettier, more successful. Better liked."
"Fatter," I interjected.
"Yes, but you've lost weight - another success. The Poison Dwarf doesn't like that either." "Col, I'm an overweight twenty-something whose husband has left her and has no life outside of work. I highly doubt it."
"If you ask me, it's because you've come in and been promoted within weeks. She's been here for years without any progression. She's sharp, and not everyone warms to her like they do to you."
"What was her excuse with the other guy?"
"Oh, he was just a lot better at the job than her. Direct competition, she was always second-best."
Bloody hell, she must be twisted - Nina would have had a lot going for her, especially if she ever bothered to crack a genuine smile. I didn't even know if she knew how to do that.
"So what am I supposed to do? I'm not a tell-tale, you know me Col, and I've already tried speaking to Andie. She basically told me to suck it up. The whole thing is making me miserable and interfering with my work. That woman is sitting upstairs still drunk, doing nothing and making a mockery of both of us in front of the staff. This is a multi-million-pound business for Christ's sake."
"The only thing you can do in these days of delicate office politics is to build up a case against her. If you go whining to Andie every five minutes, it's going to look poor on you and as if you are bullying her. Take a note of times of your little 'incidents', and once you have a few week's worth, take them to Andie or Human Resources and show Nina for what she is."
"What, a total arsehole, or just a jealous bitch?"
Col grinned. "Both."
I thanked Colvin and immediately returned upstairs to my desk, and finally felt my back drying off. Looking at my watch, it was almost twenty minutes exactly since my bathroom trip. Nina was nodding off in the corner. I got out my notebook, and started there and then.
As I added to the entries over the next few days, I felt childish and uncomfortable. How ridiculous was it that this grown woman of almost forty had reduced me to such a secret and pathetic activity? I struggled to comprehend how things had gotten to this point. This was a joke. Sitting at my desk, I sighed, and threw down my notebook. I'm above all this petty carry-on. I had a job to do and a promotion to get. At that moment, I decided I was going to rise above it and ignore her. Be the bigger person. The mature one.
But Nina began upping her game. She'd moved on from derogatory asides to sabotage.
Rifling through the papers on my desk, the one I needed was missing. I had it ten minutes before, I was sure of it. Spending four hours on a sales report was bad enough without losing it as well.
Andie was standing over me. "Well?"
"I-I had it a minute ago." Too many pills had left me struggling to concentrate.
"Ruby, I don't have time for this, the meeting starts in four minutes. Get your act together."
I wasn't feeling too great. I was pretty sure my eyes were bloodshot. "Sorry. I'll find it and get it right over to you."
Andie bent in towards me. "Are you feeling alright? You look pale."
"I'm fine, I just need a minute."
"If you are fine, get a move on." She shot me a disapproving look, and stalked away.
Looking round, Nina was gloating from her desk.
A few days later, I found myself at Andie's desk poring over piles of statistics. My performance figures looked good but weren't adding up, and she was determined to find out why. After forty minutes and two cups of coffee, she pointed to the manual changes, and there was my name. I'd added in sales on the computer that hadn't happened.
Except I hadn't. I knew I was struggling, but my memory wasn't that bad. It dawned on me. I never locked my computer desktop - it took ages to log back on, so I always left it alone.
Nina had changed the sales figures, so Andie thought I was fiddling them, trying to make myself look good.
She must have a sad, sad life if she had to occupy herself thinking up things to do to me. All the while, she plastered the marvellous white smile on her face and continued to charm her way into Andie's good books. She'd made me look disorganized and incompetent. I felt it. The whole situation was getting completely out of hand. The bottle of painkillers was emptying at a frightening rate, and I no longer bothered checking my eyes in the mirror.
What a fucking bitch.
*
A week later, with no signs of improvement, Colvin had stuck his head in the door of the call floor and was waving at me, so I trotted over to greet him.
"What brings you to the sales floor?" I asked.
"Just thought I'd give you a heads up. There's a ripple of chat among Collections that Nina has filed a grievance against you." Col looked concerned. "She still talks to all her old friends upstairs. Thought you might want to know."
With that, he turned on his heel, and was gone.
I froze in shock. Then my stomach flip-flopped. A grievance. Against me? For what? How was that even possible? Regardless of the outcome, this would tarnish my HR record for promotion, and Nina knew it. Now I understood why she had gained the nickname 'Poison Dwarf'. She was an immoral, sly, jealous being that enjoyed watching people squirm before trying to ruin them. Talk about a green-eyed monster right enough. After an emergency trip to the toilet for a quick fix to steady me, I hurried down the stairs to the HR department. My chest and throat tight, I was staving off the impending attack.
The office door was open, and I arrived breathless, but relieved to see only Tom at his desk. The HR rep was a balding, friendly man who I'd dealt with before, and I liked him best out of the three that shared the office.
"Tom," I panted. "Have you got a minute?"
He looked up, concern creasing his face at my tone. "Of course, Ruby. Please come in and have a seat. What's the matter?"
"Do I have the right to know if someone has filed a grievance against me?" I hid my hands, they were starting to leave a wet mark on the desk. Was it nerves or pills?
"Of course you do. Why on earth are you asking that?"
"I think someone has. Tom, I swear I haven't upset anybody."
Back upstairs, Poison Dwarf was swanning around, laughing and joking with the call operatives, appropriately dressed in green. I couldn't even look at her. Conniving little witch. She was playing head games with me. Tom had checked my file for complaints, and there was nothing. She'd done it on purpose to get a rise out of me. And there I was, a sweating, nervous, nauseous mess.
*
On the way home, I stopped for my usual bottle of vodka - cheap, almost odourless and went with anything. I was barefoot in my plush flat with a glass in my hand by five-thirty-five. Ever since Gray had left me, I always put music on. It made the flat feel less empty. Then I would dance around a bit while I finished the bottle and go for a shower. That night I felt drained and stunk of stale sweat. I plonked down on my sofa and emptied out all the crap from my handbag and drank. As I crumpled up paper and brushed out crumbs, I came across the painkillers - there were only six left in the bottle. That means I'd been averaging eight a day the last few weeks. Holy crap.
The events of the day raced through my head as the vodka hit me. The edges of my world were beginning to get fuzzy, so I knew I had to eat and get in the shower. I drained the last of the vodka from the glass and made myself some pasta. By the time I turned the shower on, I couldn't see straight. Aaaah, that was better. I didn't give a flying monkeys about that day, work, Nina, anything. I sat down in the shower tray, eyes shut, letting the water wash over me.
My drunken brain took over and started to judge me . Look at you, sitting blind drunk in the shower at eight o'clock at night. Pathetic. In my head, it sounded like Nina's mocking voice. All because you can't get a hold of yourself. Letting some stupid comments tip you over the edge. Grow some balls, you pathetic excuse for a human. You couldn't keep your husband, and now your grip is slipping on your job….I realised there was water coming from more than the shower - heavy, hot tears joined in with the trickles that diverged across my face.
I couldn't let go. I needed Gray, but he didn't need me. The vodka and pills were a poor substitute for a soulmate.
For the second time that day, I felt my throat tighten, my chest heavy. But this time it was heavy with sadness. I let out a sob, and then another. I lost control completely and wailed for all the horrible feelings inside me that were rotting away the good, strong, hardworking person I used to be.
*
Jealousy did strange things to people. Nina had tried to tart herself up, and she was dressed far too young for her thirty-seven years. I noticed she was wearing a sort-of shimmery emerald eyeshadow that set off her dark eyes. She was flirting with Dustin and giggling away at some sort of private joke. Any time I looked at her, she looked as if she was smirking. I think it was just my imagination though. I'd already taken my first set of pills in the office toilet, and looked like shit when I'd caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I hadn't been sleeping, and the vodka was no longer helping. I'd also noticed my suit jacket hung over my un-ironed shirt, no longer skimming my curves. I didn't know whether I was imagining that or not either.
"Ruby." Andie's voice faded in to my concentration.
I looked, and she was in 'destroy-a-small-country' mode. I wasn't sure I could take much more verbal battering. I just wanted to curl into a ball.
"Will you get a move on and get those bloody stats done! Look at you… get a grip of yourself, and pay attention for Gawd sake!"
I didn't need to glance over to know Nina was looking pleased with herself at her desk. Andie stomped off across the call floor.
Once out of earshot, Nina leaned over and her lips drew back over her teeth, like a cartoon cat who got the cream. "You're fucked now. I'll have your job in three months."
I didn't even bother going to the toilet, I just necked the pills at my desk. In amongst my dancing nerves, I felt hot, and could feel the heat threatening to boil tears up over my eyelids. I stooped over my desk and ensconced myself in looking busy so no-one could see my face. My stomach churned and the familiar sweat started. I just wanted to be left alone. I ended up hiding in the corner of the call floor, in the photocopying cupboard. At least it was quiet in there.
It didn't last long. Andie approached me leaving the cupboard. She wasn't alone. She had an HR representative with her. It was Tom. My heart sank, and I saw Nina laughing on the way past as I was lead to a meeting room.
*
"We've brought you in to discuss some serious allegations," Tom began.
Andie sat to his left, across from me, her face stern.
"Nina has brought to our attention a case of harassment and bullying against you, as well as abuse of prescription painkillers."
My jaw dropped. In front of Andie were my bottle of pills and notebook. Not only had Nina taken the notebook and thumbed through, but she had gone into my bag, my personal belongings, without asking. And I was too out of it to notice. She must have seen me with the painkillers that first day in the toilet.
Andie cleared her throat. "We're not here reprimanding you, Ruby, but we need both sides of the story. I find this hard to believe, knowing you are of sound character, but this isn't looking good."
"Would you like to explain to us, in your own words about this?" Tom held up the notebook.
Feeling uncomfortable, I recounted the incidents of writing about Collections staff, incidents with Nina, the conversation with Colvin, and my decision to abandon the record of events. I was overheating, and could feel myself slurring words. I fought it. "You'll see from the entries that there's only one or two over a few days, and the last one I didn't even complete. This is ridiculous. This woman has something against me, and I have no idea why," I could feel myself getting upset, and the last thing I wanted to do was cry - I was supposed to be a strong woman. "More to the point, she has taken that notebook from my desk without permission."
"And what about tripping her up in front of half the staff? You can't deny that. Would you like me to add the lack of support to a new team member as per your job role too? You haven't coached her at all since she joined the Sales floor."
Sighing, all my concentration was going on not crying and controlling my composure.
Tom set down the notebook. "Very well. Andie?"
"I'm more concerned that you are popping painkillers like sweets. I don't even want to know how these came into your possession. Constant trips to the bathroom, sweats, poor performance, now I realise why you seemed distant - you were out of it. That's a dismissible offence. What do you have to say for yourself?"
I thought the tears were going to come. I couldn't handle Andie saying things like that to me. I'd worked so hard to prove to her I was worthy of this job, and to hide my nervousness. Why was she doing this to me? I wasn't the one in the wrong! My face crumpled, my body buckled and I vomited right there on the table. It smelled of vodka. The panic and pills had taken over, and won.
Andie sighed. "Thank you, Ruby. I think that Tom and I both agree you should head home now, get yourself to a doctor, and sort yourself out. I'm officially suspending your employment indefinitely with immediate effect on the grounds of under-performance, substance abuse and harassment in the workplace."
Tom nodded in agreement. Filled with shame, I stood, turned and walked out the door, leaving the vomit right there on the table. I didn't even bother wiping my chin. Nina had won. I'd never be able to show my face in that office again.
*
After a visit to the doctor, and being diagnosed with severe anxiety, I spent almost three months in therapy, taking tablets and getting cared for. It wasn't easy. I didn't realise how hooked I was on those painkillers until I experienced the come-down. It's like your worst hangover threefold, spread over four days. I spoke to councillors about Gray and work, and doctors about dependency. Progress was slow, but little by little I began to put on weight, my skin became brighter and my appetite came back. I thought about Gray less, and I was beginning to feel as if I was on the mend. It was the biggest parts that were broken and still needed fixing. My confidence and my self-worth. That was going to be hardest of all.
Fresh and painkiller-free, I redecorated the flat. I made it my own. I was also ready look for a new job. Realistically, I knew there was no chance of going back. Even if I did, my painkiller addiction had been exposed and all the respect I'd worked hard to earn would be destroyed. No-one would trust me or take me seriously again. At least this way, I would be leaving on my own terms. I applied for a few jobs and waited to see if anybody would call and offer me a position.
The phone rang.
I jumped.
I answered.
It was Andie.
*
The old anxieties welled up as I mounted the steps to the familiar door. How was I going to handle Nina if I saw her? What the hell was everyone else going to think? Knowing call-centres, I'd have people talking about me all over. Andie had asked me to come in for a 'progress meeting'. That usually meant getting sacked. I fought hard with the breathing exercises I'd been taught, to try and overcome the nasty, well-known spread of panic. I climbed the stairs to the Sales floor.
As I opened the office door, a round of applause swept over the call floor. Hundreds of faces smiled at me and Andie bounced over.
"Hi girl! You look amazing! Everyone has missed you, Ruby!" I was stunned. I wasn't expecting that…..
Looking around at the sea of faces, I realised I'd been the only one putting pressure on myself, judging myself - these were my colleagues and friends, and nobody had wanted to see the Ruby I had become. They knew I was sick, not a drug addict. Relief, happiness and a tiny bit of pride washed over me.
As the floor staff turned back to what they were doing, I scanned over their heads, just an old habit that had kicked in. "Where's Nina?"
Andie smiled. "That's the reason I wanted you here. After your illness and suspension, the jungle drums were beating. Several people came forward regarding the situation with you and Nina," She guided me over to her desk, "and I want you to provide us with a statement. We've suspended her temporarily and Colvin Green has brought forward an earlier incident that we were unaware of. She's angling for a transfer back to Collections - I've just about got enough evidence to sack her, but your input would make it cut-and-dried. I'm not having her doing this to anyone else."
I became aware my mouth was hanging open. I closed it.
"I owe you an apology Ruby, and I'm so sorry. My judgement was miles off. I had no idea how bad it was until Colvin filled in the gaps. But my hands were tied at the time, especially since you threw up on my good meeting table."
I suppressed a smirk. "I bet there aren't many people who can claim to that."
Andie was smiling too. "I'd like to invite you to come back to work when you have recovered, if you would like to?"
"I'd love that."
"Good good Ruby-Roo, let's take a walk. She put her arm round my shoulder. "You and I have a promotion to work towards."
Gem Campagna lives deep in the Cambridgeshire Fens in England with three dogs and a farmer. She became interested in writing creatively as a child after winning local competitions and now uses it to escape the daily grind of scientific writing.