Imagine you’re a small child who’s just done a poo on the floor. You know defecating on the new plush pile is bad but holy hell you needed to go and you just couldn’t get your tiny legs to the potty in time. You’re in big trouble, Mum is upset and Dad sticks you in the naughty corner. You cry like a banshee but you do your time, then you move on. You don’t wallow in your shame around being a human Mr Whippy—you just huff and puff for a few minutes and then get on with it.
As adults, we tend to punish ourselves harder. Delve into your secret chamber and fish something out for me. Maybe you fell over and landed on the wrong penis. Perhaps you never had a conversation you needed to have and then it was too late. Or maybe you didn’t treat someone fairly, and you know they deserved better. Now, let’s practise letting it go. Trust me when I say I know this is easier said than done. I still grapple with the idea of what people think of me for the dumb things I’ve done. While the person who made those decisions is completely different to the woman I am today, modern-day me still has to clean up my worst self’s mess—even if it’s just in my head.
I believe there are eight vital steps to moving past something you feel bad about.
1. Stop judging yourself so harshly.
Are you human? If you answered ‘yes’, then welcome to the world’s least exclusive club—the people-who-f*ck-things-up occasionally club. In here, you’ll find pretty much everyone you’ve ever met, so you’re in good company.
2. Separate what you’ve done from who you are.
Believe it or not, these two things are not the same. Who you are is your spirit, your resilience, your generosity—it can’t be taken away. What you’ve done is transient, like the clothes you wear. That was then and this is now.
3. Ask yourself: Is the punishment worth the crime?
In other words, do you think you’ve maybe tortured yourself enough? I’m going to guess you probably have, in which case, it’s time to let yourself off the hook.
4. Find the positive.
Maybe you learned something. Maybe it brought you empathy and understanding for other people who make mistakes, making you an excellent agony aunt for the fallen. Either way, there’s probably a silver lining if you look hard enough.
5. Rewrite the script.
Embrace the fact that you have the opportunity to change how you feel about your mistake moving forward. Just because you’ve spent a long time feeling a certain way about something (or talking to yourself in a certain way about it) doesn’t mean you don’t get to change.
6. Apologise.
First, apologise to yourself for doing something that has since caused you distress. You didn’t know then what you know now, and that’s worth acknowledging. Then, apologise to whomever you affected, even if it’s just putting it out to the universe rather than to them directly (because I know firsthand that some secrets have the capacity to blow up people’s lives). Say it out loud, write it down—just get it out of your head and your heart.
7. Lighten the load.
Talking it out with a professional or a trusted confidant who will listen and love you anyway is vital—because shame can’t survive empathy. Just know that sharing might also make you feel vulnerable and exposed, so choose the right person to share with. Then feel the weight lift off your shoulders.
8. Break the habit.
When the memory pops up again (and it will), acknowledge you can still feel bad about it, but remind yourself that you’ve done your time and that the only person you’re still hurting by holding on to it, is you, Just quietly, I think people who say they have ‘no regrets’ are liars. Everyone I know has regrets, even if they don’t lose sleep over them. What I want you to remember, though, is that you are not your mistakes. They are just things you’ve done, nestled in among all of the good things and the amazing things, the silly things and the dumb things. They are part of what make you who you are, and you learn more from them than you’ll ever learn from the things you get right.
Edited text from The ‘Bad’ Girl’s Guide to Better by Casey Beros. Murdoch Books RRP £14.85 available to buy from Amazon and other book stores.
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