By Dr. Andrea Pennington, Integrative Physician, TEDx speaker and bestselling author of I Love You, Me. www.realself.love
Dr Andrea Pennington
A few years ago, when I was facing severe depression, I never thought I could look in a mirror and say ‘I love you, me’ (and mean it). But a spiritual awakening and a deep work on my own treatment of myself has allowed me to reach real self-love. If you can’t imagine saying those four words to yourself just yet, stick with me. Some meditation techniques have helped me and many of my clients reach that level of self-acceptance, and have proved very useful to build confidence and self-love. With a bit of work and dedication to these exercises, you’ll soon be able to say those four words even on a bad hair day, when you mess up at work, or say the wrong things. Here are my favourite exercises to reach that empowered feeling of freedom and true self-love.
Write Your Personal Success Mantra
List your accomplishments, peak experiences, and your disappointments. Then summarise them into powerful, positive, personal belief statements that will serve as your guiding principles for living an awakened life. When you’re motivated to reach a goal or move to overcome an obstacle, returning to these statements of possibility will remind you of your source of power, and provide you with the mental outlook necessary for achievement that is in line with your highest sense of self. Look at the reasons you cited that explain why you were able to achieve those accomplishments and what made your peak experience possible. Look at the explanations of why your disappointments happened. Now summarise your capabilities into a powerful, positive statement about who you are, this is your Personal Success Mantra. To write yours, remember to include the baseline assumptions that were in place to make each of your achievements happen. It’s also a good idea to include the values or attitudes you possess along with any relevant character strengths and talents.
By repeating your Success Mantra from time to time during periods of stress or worry, you’ll remind yourself of your strengths and values. Over time you’ll find that your Success Mantra won’t need to be repeated very often; you’ll simply live your life in accordance with your deepest truth. Your Success Mantra should be stated in the present tense and as a positive statement. Bring your mantra to mind anytime you need to be reminded of your powerful focus and belief in your ability. Like a positive affirmation, your Personal Success Mantra can lift your spirits dramatically the more you repeat it, read it, or see it. (They make great inspirational postcards for social media, too!) Lastly, look back over the dreams, desires and longings you’ve felt for expressing your- self fully, pursuing a line of work or study, creating or launching a business or charity. Be bold and write down here some of the big dreams you’d love to explore in life.
Practice Mindfulness
Self-loathing, self-hatred, self-denial, and self-suppression are the opposite of healthy self-acceptance. The results of remaining in these self-deflating states include: low self-es- teem, depression, denying yourself pleasure, not engaging in certain activities, hiding your body, fear of freely expressing yourself, fear of rejection, not living authentically, being fake or trying to mold yourself into some imaginary ideal, and not speaking your truth. But learning to balance mindful awareness, self-compassion, and authentic living will help us overcome our tendency to feel self-conscious and self-critical.
Mindfulness involves a more flexible mental state where we draw new distinctions about the present situation and the current environment. When we are mindful, we are actively engaged in the present and sensitive to both context and perspective. From what perspective are you evaluating yourself? In the context of your current lifestyle and demands on your time, is it realistic to judge your life against some arbitrary ideal? Rather than remain in a mindless state of constant self-evaluation and self-criticism, mindfulness encompasses an attitude of self-acceptance as we are called to shift the focus of our attention to acceptance and exploration of present experience. Consider what is new and different about this time in your life that you can accept and appreciate.
There are several ways you can overcome the negativity of your own inner conversation to bring you more peace and set you on the road to greater success and happiness. These simple steps will put your body, brain, and mind into a more empowered state. First, become aware of the mental script in the background of your life: Which phrases do you hear most often rumbling through your mind? Do you engage in any self name calling? For instance calling yourself a dummy or an idiot? How about the tone of the voice in your head? Is the voice nasty and mean? Then, question and challenge the voices. Ask yourself: “Is it true?” And be honest with yourself! Third, disprove the inner commentary and expose the lies by finding evidence to the contrary. For example, if you hear an inner voice saying, “I always mess up!” Look for evidence in your life where you didn’t mess up. You can then replace the lies with truth. Remind yourself that you are competent, smart, helpful, and worthy of success. Look at the Personal Success Mantras you wrote down! Finally, take positive action to affirm your power. Go out and prove your case. Use your talents and abilities in a way that is meaningful and positive.
Use the 3 Blessings Ritual
This is one of my favourite exercises, and it’s so easy to do! It is very important to do little exercises as you work on building your self-love even though you haven’t reached it completely yet.
To keep a positive vibe coursing through you as you prepare to move into deeper healing work, make this exercise your daily practice. Each evening write down three things for which you feel blessed, grateful or happy. These could be anything that went right in your day, people whose presence you truly appreciate or things about yourself for which you are proud. Expressing gratitude each day, in writing, creates new brain networks that will help you recognise and value the positive aspects of life, however small they may be.
While it is a natural human tendency to neurotically focus on negative things in life, we have the beautiful human capacity to build up positive brain networks and joyful energy just by focusing our attention on the good that happens every day.
Don’t neglect this deceptively simple ritual that can lead to joyful serenity day after day.
Wrap Yourself Up With a Self-Hug
In times of intense pain or shame, do you find that a big hug is what you crave? My daughter taught me how she provides self-nurturing hugs when she feels that she’s done something wrong or when she’s sad or scared. She rolls herself into a tight little ball, like the fetal position, and will sit on the bed, in a corner, or on the bathroom floor with the lights off. This self-hug is her own self-soothing tool that seems to work wonders.
Why does a hug make us feel better? Research shows that by being snuggled up in the fetal position and through the act of wrapping our arms around ourself (or someone else) we can trigger the release of oxytocin, the neurochemical that calms, relaxes, and makes us feel safe. While hugging and holding yourself, take deep slow breaths to help your brain recognise that you’re physically safe. This triggers the relaxation response and gets you out of the stressful flight or fight mode.
You may find the same comforting feeling comes from taking a hot bubble bath, where you caress and soothe yourself in a womb-like watery cocoon.
Mentally Retreat to a Safe Space
In this meditation you will safely connect to a place of protection, comfort, and healing. Think of it as a mental retreat to a place of renewal where you can allow your body and mind to calm down. You will imagine a place of pure love and compassion.
It’s helpful to find a photograph or painting of a place that you can easily imagine to be your own personal sanctuary for healing and relaxation. Would you feel most comfortable on a private beach? Perhaps a mountain cabin far from traffic noise or passersby would suit you. You may also choose to be in a mythical place, like in the clouds or on another planet. Wherever you imagine yourself to be safe, secure, and able to become relaxed and calm, bring this image to mind.
Begin by taking five deep, slow breaths to turn on your relaxation response. Breathe deeply enough to really fill your lungs to full capacity, then slowly release the air through your mouth, letting all of the air out gently and completely. It helps to make a sound as you exhale to fully release any tension or anxiety with your breath. Next imagine that you are comfortably sitting or lying down in your safe place. Are you in bed? On a comfy sofa? Wrapped in a blanket or sitting by a warm fire? Let your mind build a scene that is inviting, cozy, and warm, where you feel cared for and safe.
Decide what works best for you. Do this practice a few times to find out. This safe space/relaxation place can also be a special location that you visit mentally to connect with a compassionate caregiver, a wise advisor, or healer. Whatever works for you, make notes of it in your journal. You may even choose to save a photo of the location clipped from a travel magazine for your journal or as a screensaver or desktop photo on your computer.
Once you’re feeling calm, speak kind, compassionate words to yourself while still in your safe place/relaxation space.
The three keys to self-acceptance are mindfulness, self-compassion, and authentic living. Before you can reach a state of true self-love, you must focus on mindfulness first and changing your perspective. Non-judgment, acceptance and curiosity are the hallmarks of mindfulness. When you reach that point, you become aware of how you’ve been programmed or wounded, and can start healing and living your authentic self. Stop comparing yourself with anyone else, as you are perfect the way you are. And certainly give up on comparing yourself against a societal or imaginary ideal. You can’t ever become anyone other than who you are, so stop assessing your value, looks, or body against anyone else’s. Affirm your right to gracefully be you, and love yourself!
