There are many reasons why we get angry as mums. However, much we wish to be calm and nurturing, this isn't always possible. Motherhood can bring stressful situations, and at the same time, mothers are often burnt out and in a place of lack; lack of sleep, self-care, and support. We must look at maternal anger, understand triggers, and understand how to diffuse our rage.
Cristalle Hayes
Here are the most common triggers and how you can diffuse your maternal anger.
1. Bedtime.
One of the hardest parts of the day for mothers. Everyone is tired, and no one is on their best form. It is easy to fall into feelings of resentment and frustration as we cajole our kids into bed so we can get some well-deserved rest ourselves.
What can mums do?
Be prepared for this end of day hurdle. Have a cup of tea, eat a snack, do a quick meditation, or watch a 60-second comedy clip. The daily marathon isn't quite over, so give yourself an energy boost before you tackle bedtime.
2. Siblings fighting.
This particular scenario can trigger feelings around safety and powerlessness. With younger kids, it may be wearing to hear your toddlers bickering over toys. With older children, we may worry that someone may get hurt.
What can mums do?
If everyone is safe, give some space to the fighting and squabbling. Fighting and squabbling are important for children to learn about boundaries and conflict. Try not to match the energy in the room; diffuse it instead with some humour and kindness.
3. Sensory overload.
Sometimes anger and rage can be triggered when our senses become overloaded. We can walk into a room and find the mess, the noise of the TV and the smells all unbearable.
What can mums do?
Does the mess mean you need to assert boundaries around screen time or kids helping out around the house? Or is it a sign you are burnt out and need a break? When overwhelmed in this way, take a walk outside in nature. A change of scene will give your mind some peace. Just remember to take the kids with you.
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4. Mealtimes.
Mealtimes can trigger our feelings around food and childhood. If mealtimes trigger you, then it may be worth exploring what is provoking these feelings.
What can mums do?
Self-reflection through journaling. Consider how your parents handled mealtimes? What worked for you and what didn't? What expectations or echoes from the past are lurking around? Maybe get some support or arm yourself with information at each mealtime so it doesn't become a battleground for control.
5. Public Tantrums.
Public tantrums are a common trigger for mums as this situation can trigger feelings of, I am not good enough. You may feel that you and your ability to parent your child is being judged. You may also be worried about safety and feel powerless.
What can mums do?
Diffuse your anger by letting go of the shame and expectations you are putting on yourself. People around you are probably on your side and thinking with much more empathy than you imagine. This situation is typical and temporary (albeit stressful) and does not reflect your parenting skills.
6. Homework.
Homework is another time when mothers find they lose their cool. Usually, this is because of the time of day - after school, when everyone is tired and needs rest. Is education a trigger for you? Does it trigger a more punitive side?
What can mums do?
When it all gets too much over homework, know when to take a break with your child. Do some dancing or run around the garden. Breaking the tension may allow them to refocus and can save your sanity.
Article by Cristalle Hayes, existential and trauma-based psychotherapist and author of Angry Mother Assertive Mother: From maternal anger to radical repair, published by Rethink, out now, available on Amazon
