Love follows a formula: MY STUFF + YOUR STUFF = OUR STUFF. Sounds simple enough, right? The problem is that when it comes to intimate relationships, most of us find it hella easier to focus on the other guy’s screw-ups and short-comings and hella harder to look at our own contribution to relationship patterns and challenges. My years as a couple therapist, a professor, and an intimate partner have taught me that relational self-awareness-- your ongoing commitment to a curious and compassionate relationship with yourself-- is the secret to creating and maintaining a happy and healthy romantic relationship. Loving bravely means practicing relational self-awareness whether you’re on your first date or in your 20th year of marriage!
Alexandra H. Solomon
Here are 10 tips that will put you on a path toward loving bravely.
Commit to emotional healing. Building an intimate relationship requires you to be emotional vulnerability to another person which means that your past (old wounds and core issues) is definitely going to get stirred up. The degree to which you can stand without shame in the truth of your life story is the degree to which you can feel empowered and connected in love.
Trust that you don’t have to be perfect in order to be loved! What a relief! But you do need to be willing to take responsibility for your “stuff” (chronic tardiness, a short fuse, a fear of abandonment, whatever). And you do need to find a partner who is willing to take responsibility for their stuff!
Ask for help. Never underestimate the power of a good therapist! Most of us need to do therapy at some point in time. And don’t forget about couple therapy. Most couples who work together with a therapist report improvements in relationship quality. Be proactive!
Listen to your gut. Make it a practice to turn your attention inward and listen to what is going on inside of you. Honoring your innate wisdom will help you make choices that are guided by integrity instead of guilt or a whole bunch of “shoulds.”
Live with passion. The happiest romantic relationships are the ones that are made up of two people who view life as an adventure. These folks know how to light themselves up rather than expecting their intimate partner to fulfill their every need.
Have self-aware sex. Sex is an important aspect of a romantic relationship. You deserve consensual and pleasurable sexual experiences in which you are able to advocate for what feels good to you. Be curious about what makes you tick… between the sheets… and settle for nothing less than a partner who is invested in your pleasure.
Learn how to press pause. Every romantic relationship has friction, disappointments, and power struggles. In the face of conflict, we are prone to knee-jerk fight or flight reactions-- attacking the other guy or retreating to our separate corners. Try pausing before you say something you will soon regret.
Be willing to say “I’m sorry.” You are imperfect. You are going to screw up. In order for a romantic relationship to thrive, you must be ready, willing, and able to offer a heartfelt apology.
Show up! We are loving in the digital age which means that we are more connected than ever and more distracted than ever. Loving bravely means being willing to put our smartphones down and connect face-to-face.
Be on your own team. Notice how you talk to yourself. If you are your own worst critic, it’s time to infuse some self-compassion into your life. The cliché is true-- “you really cannot love someone else if you don’t love yourself first.”
by Alexandra H. Solomon, PhD
Research indicates that the quality of your intimate relationships has a profound impact on your overall physical and emotional wellbeing, so doing what it takes to create a happy and healthy romantic relationship is worth the effort! If you want to dive more deeply into these tips and learn some more, check out Dr. Solomon’s new book, Loving Bravely: 20 Lessons of Self-Discovery to Help You Get the Love You Want (New Harbinger, 2017).