Lewis Croft awoke that morning to the regular plummeting sensation in his stomach. A sensation he had been feeling for the last six months. A giant, sickening knot that was getting deeper and deeper. The sun was streaming into the bedroom through the huge bay window, and he could just about see the snow perched elegantly on the tree tops, melting slowly as the sun regained its power. The sky was clear and blue and the birds were singing their usual morning song. It was a beautiful day. And so it should be. It was December 25th. Christmas Day.
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He turned over to see his wife Ellen smiling affectionately at him. She leaned in to kiss him
‘Merry Christmas, darling’
‘You too, dear’ he replied, perhaps not quite as enthusiastically as he should have been.
He could hear the children outside the door, whispering, wondering whether to knock and come into the room. He knew they would be dying to open their presents. They would probably have been awake for hours, laughing and giggling, feeling the wrapping paper to try and find out what was inside. Ruby, the eldest at thirteen was best at this. She was a clever girl and usually guessed what some of the presents were, to the huge annoyance of her mother Ellen, whereas Jordan at eleven was a mischievous little boy, and last year Lewis had caught him slyly peeling back some of the wrapping paper to try and see what was underneath. He could only usually guess the ‘socks’ and this irritated him, especially as his sister was so good at it. It had become a running competition between the two.
There was a bang on the door, followed by a simultaneous giggle. Lewis looked over at Ellen who laughed and said,
‘I guess it’s time then, go on, let them in!’
Lewis took a deep breath and opened the door. His children flew at him, almost knocking him over. They were both chatting at the same time, barely taking a breath.
‘Merry Christmas Dad!...Santa’s been!... Do you know what we’ve got?... Can we open our presents?’
It was too much, and the knot in Lewis’ stomach dropped an inch deeper. He took a deep breath and made his way over to the bed where his children had climbed in next to Ellen. He sat on the end of the bed, watching his family. The children were snuggled against their mother, whilst she cradled them. His body shuddered as he thought back to all the good times they had had together. This was everything he had dreamed of, a beautiful wife and two great kids.
So why did his stomach lurch every time he thought of the future? Why did he feel numb when he was around them?
Lewis made his way downstairs to start preparing the Christmas dinner. This was the one thing he was good at and had complete control over. He was a good cook. Ellen and the kids loved his meals. When the children were younger, he cooked dinner for them, but made the food into their favourite cartoons. He would spend hours carving potatoes into ‘Teletubby’ faces, and arranging peas to look like Thomas the tank engine. Ellen had always laughed and told him to stop wasting time, but he enjoyed it. He loved seeing the amazed look on Ruby and Jordan’s face when they sat down for their meal. What he would give to experience that feeling one more time.
After some time, Ellen came into the room carrying a small gift. Lewis flinched, he knew what was coming. Quickly, he removed the uncomfortable look from his face.
‘Whilst we have a minute alone, I thought I would give you your present’ she said.
Lewis took another deep breath, and began unwrapping the present. He had a feeling this was something more than the box of chocolates he had got her. They had said they weren’t doing gifts this year. He tore the last piece of wrapping paper off to reveal a small black box. He looked at Ellen, who was grinning energetically at him, her eyes wide with anticipation. He pulled the box apart and there before him lay a huge clock face with a beautiful black leather strap attached either side. It was the Rolex watch he had been looking at a few months ago when they were shopping in town. Oh Ellen. She had such a good heart.
Thud. His stomach descended again...and again. He felt nothing. He wasn’t overcome with emotion for his wife, he wasn’t pleased she had been so thoughtful. He simply needed to get out of the room, he could feel his heart beating and his breath quickening.
‘Thanks love, that’s lovely. You really know how to spoil me’ he said hesitantly. She smiled, kissed him on the cheek and returned to the front room where the children were playing. Lewis placed the watch, in its box, on the kitchen worktop. He took a few moments to compose himself and carried on with the cooking.
Around four o’clock that day they sat down to eat their Christmas dinner. The children were very excited. Jordan had been talking to Ellen about his new football nets for the past ten minutes.
‘When can Dad put them in the garden Mum?...Do you think he will be able to put them up tomorrow and then we can play together Mum?’
Ellen laughed patiently and told Jordan that his father would put his nets up when the weather was better. She said the ground was too hard. Meanwhile, Ruby was asking her father about her new digital camera.
‘After dinner, will you set it up and show me how to use it please Dad? We can take pictures of our Christmas day together. It’s nice to take pictures isn’t it Dad?’
Lewis stared outside, giving the occasional ‘huh’ and grunt to his daughter. His mind was elsewhere. He was pre-occupied by a different world, a world outside of this family home.
‘Just going to get some more gravy’ he said to Ellen as he picked up the empty jug. He walked back into the kitchen, but instead of going to the hob to fill the jug, he went over to the window.
The sun was still streaming across the clear blue sky. It had almost melted the snow. There were a few droplets left on the tops of the trees and the shed roof still had a neat sheet of snow placed upon it. There was a light breeze causing the trees to sway gently in unison with one another. It looked cold outside. Although the sun was making an appearance Lewis could tell it was cold. That crisp, cold, winter sensation overcame him and he shuddered. There was a different world beyond the glass window.
He went to the kitchen door, passing the watch Ellen had bought him, and placed his hand on the cold door handle. Taking a deep breath, he opened the door and stepped outside. He closed the door cautiously, making sure he had not been heard.
Breathing in the cold fresh air, he made way for the gate down the side of the house, quickening his pace as he heard the children’s voices getting closer. He slowly closed it behind him.
For Victoria's full bio see her other story A Good Eye.