Proper nutrition is more important than ever in today’s fast-paced, high-tech world. It takes a lot of energy to keep up with the demands of ungrateful teenagers, a self-absorbed husband, and a less-than-sympathetic employer.
Get Published on Female First
In Grandma’s day, stay-at-home moms fretted over the five basic food groups while darning socks or sewing a new apron for Aunt Jill’s birthday. The family gathered around the dining table for the evening meal where Dad, Junior, and Sissy would share exciting news of the day’s accomplishments while Mom stared wistfully into space, wishing she actually had a life.
No one seemed to care, or appreciate, that she’d sacrificed the best part of her afternoon (the half-hour between The Edge of Night and Queen for a Day), contemplating which fruits, veggies, and dairy products to incorporate into the family diet. They were too busy with their incessant babbling to notice the carefully measured portions and precise balance of carbohydrates to protein.
Working women in the twenty-first century don’t have the time or patience to pattern meals in accordance with an old-fashioned food pyramid. Pharaoh and the kids are lucky if they get a granola bar on the way out the door. After that, they’re on their own.
Between working late, soccer practice, and cheerleader tryouts, no one gathers round the dining table anymore. Burgers and pizza may be fine for the rest of the family, but fails miserably at providing the necessary energy and stamina for a hardworking career mother who doubles as a shuttle driver and family scheduling coordinator.
That’s why I invented the food triangle.
This simple, easy-to-follow, program is built upon the Three C’s—Caffeine, Chocolate, and Cocktails. Here’s how it works.
For breakfast, jumpstart your morning with large Mocha Espresso. For best results, I recommend a double-shot of espresso, four squares of chocolate, and two inches of whipped cream on top. This healthy meal provides all the vitamins and minerals necessary to keep you hopping around the office like a gray squirrel on meth. You’ll be amazed at how much you get done and that you were able to stay awake during that oh-so-boring presentation the VP of Finance gave on saving toilet tissue—the so called, ‘Charmin Sustainability Project.’
If you start to feel a mid-morning energy lag, as many of us do, reach for a Jolt. Jolt comes in three flavors; Cola, Red Eye, and my favorite, Electric Blue. If not available in your area, chug a couple of Mountain Dews with a few chocolate donuts from the vending machine. When lunch time comes, you won’t be hungry and your co-workers will be envious of your self-discipline and willpower in staying with that new diet.
By mid-afternoon it’s back to the vending machine. Treat yourself to a Hershey bar and find a pot where the coffee has been cooked down to the consistency of mud. Break the candy into chunks and dissolve in the “Black Gold.” Stir vigorously. Be sure to use a metal spoon and ceramic mug for this step. Otherwise, the cleaning people will be all over you when the mixture eats through the Styrofoam and chews through all seven layers of floor polish.
By five o’clock the edge is starting to wear off and you need a little pick-me-up. A large sweet tea with extra sugar will help you navigate through the maze of idiots on the highway. I like the real syrupy kind that’s sticky enough to form a permanent bond when you need to repair a dangling fingernail or reattach the heel of your shoe.
After three hours of zig-zagging a van full of demanding, smartass teenagers from one unknown location to another, Happy Hour finally arrives.
Cocktails are the most important and, by far, the most nutritional block of the food triangle. Bourbon is derived from corn, vodka from potatoes, and if you’re feeling particularly frisky, add a stalk of celery to your Bloody Mary.
If you have a taste for fruit, add a splash of cranberry, orange, or grapefruit juice to gin or spiced rum to ensure that you’re getting 100% of your daily requirement of vitamin C. Sometimes it takes two or three servings to get up to 100%. Don’t feel guilty. Staying healthy requires determination and sacrifice. You’re doing what’s best for your body.
Old-school nutritionalists may proclaim, “Everything in moderation.” But who are you going to listen to? Those who sit around munching dried figs and baled wheat, or someone who lives in the real world?
It’s your body. If you don’t take care of it, who will?
Bio -
Russell Gayer is a 4th generation Ozark native, residing on the original family homestead near Goshen, Arkansas. His award winning humorous short stories have been published in various anthologies, and on-line at frontiertales and femalefirst.